How to nicely communicate that we don't want anyone at the hospital for the delivery?

[Anonymous]

Don’t tell them until the baby is born.

[Anonymous]

DO NOT TELL THEM when you go to the hospital. Now that you are a mom, you will ahem many opportunities to stick up for yourself and your child. Set the boundary now. It will be good practice.

FWIW, I had my parents and my in-laws waiting at the hospital for my first. I didn’t let anyone in the labor room with me. They were all waiting in the waiting room. I pushed for four hours. After the third hour, I was crying for my mom. Sometimes moms can be helpful. Dad’s though, there’s just a ton of stuff going on that they don’t need to see.

[Anonymous]

Reading your post really reminded me of my mom. I told her very clearly before that I didn't want anyone in the delivery room except for my DH and she seemed to understand. They were coming from 6 hours away and we did call when I went into labor but told them not to rush and the labor would likely be long. Well, they rushed into the car right away and showed up at the hospital anyways. I ended up being in labor for 36 hours. I reluctantly let them in the delivery room for a couple minutes during that time and then they just sat at our house for a day and waited. Of course they pestered my DH for updates- so annoying.
In light of this I will echo PPs and say do not call them until after the baby is born! They sound like the type to show up anyways and just make it more stressful needing updates if they aren't there.

[Anonymous]

"Expecting" to be at the hospital? Op, you have got to be stronger than that. You are about to become someone's Mom, and you will be the GateKeeper. You have go to have more resolve than you are showing now.

That said. There is a chance you should remain open to the possibility that you might want your Mother. I didn't think I did. During labor in the hospital, however, I did -- calling her from the hospital and saying that IF she could come, I really wanted her to come. Two flights later she was there, in time for the birth. But I didn't want her to see the birth. But she was there for me prior, and there to hold the baby after.

[Anonymous]

Blame hospital rules / doctor's advice--hospital only allows one person in delivery/doctor not sure how the delivery will go so says to plan on no visitors for a bit / whatever. And big +1 to not calling. You might have to fib about due date (if you're lucky, your mom won't know that "they're not really sure about the due date" is pretty rare these days). Also you are going to have to start practicing sharing less NOW.

Congratulations and hope the rest of your pregnancy is smooth!

[Anonymous]

My mom felt the same too and wanted to take care of us. Dh and I both only wanted him to take care of us. (Nothing against my mom). I think it’s a new generation of men that want a role and see their role as the caretaker of their new family postpartum. I was surprised to see that tension there after birth and also that both their points were valid in my opinion. It was rational for a mother to care for her daughter and grandchild. But dh came first and it was him that I would be relying on for the rest of my life to be an involved parent.

We had our 4 parents visit us in the hospital the day following birth. Dhs parents never returned that first year (no clue why? They just hate traveling) but my parents helped us often and brought us dinners occasionally and kept me company.

[Anonymous]

Lol at these people saying not to call when you’re in labor. I was induced both times at 42 weeks. I got nagged incessantly for 5 weeks or so as to why the baby wasn’t coming. Everyone knew the date of my induction. Aren’t a majority of first time moms induced?

So maybe you should lie about your due date? After my due date passed we had parents camped out waiting. And calling daily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lol at these people saying not to call when you’re in labor. I was induced both times at 42 weeks. I got nagged incessantly for 5 weeks or so as to why the baby wasn’t coming. Everyone knew the date of my induction. Aren’t a majority of first time moms induced?

So maybe you should lie about your due date? After my due date passed we had parents camped out waiting. And calling daily.

Majority of first time moms are not induced. And you don't have to share the date of your induction either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Call them after the baby arrives, not when you're in labor.

This is the one and only answer. Turn off both of your phones on the way to the hospital.

Unless she is the type of Mom who would show up at the hospital if you didn’t respond in a certain amount of time.

Start now responding more slowly to texts and calls, responding with statements like “DH and I will think about that // ask our OB or pediatrician about that” when she offers advice.

Drop a few statements about hospitals limiting visitors during flu season, how you and DH are taking a birth class together to be a good team. Tell a few stories about “my friend who was so glad everyone just waited at home, because her labor was so long, and they got to call everyone once they’d had a little time enjoying their first moments as a new family.”

Etc, etc.

And come up with a few responses to, “But i’m Your mother, and i’m just so worried!” Things like, “Mom, you need to trust that I am an adult and can make my own decisions with my doctor.” Or, “Mom, I cant fix your anxiety for you, I need to focus on my own preparation for being a mother,” etc.

[Anonymous]

Don’t announce labor until after the baby is born. I only wanted DH and said so and my mom came anyway. Still hate her for it. She can only think of herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol at these people saying not to call when you’re in labor. I was induced both times at 42 weeks. I got nagged incessantly for 5 weeks or so as to why the baby wasn’t coming. Everyone knew the date of my induction. Aren’t a majority of first time moms induced?

So maybe you should lie about your due date? After my due date passed we had parents camped out waiting. And calling daily.

Majority of first time moms are not induced. And you don't have to share the date of your induction either.

Yeah, most aren't induced, and you don't have to share your due date nor your induction date. I posted earlier about not sharing the due date. We just gave a vague "mid February." Due date was Jan 29. I knew if I stayed low risk, I would be allowed to go 42 weeks. So when baby decided to show up a few days ahead of his due date (THANK GOODNESS, because I was so over being pregnant at that point!), my parents were not expecting the "Baby has been born!" call.

Ultimately, I think it all boils down to the sort of person you are and the kind of relationship would have with your mom (and/or MIL, as the case may be). Some people want to share all the information, want their mom every step of the way. Some are the opposite. Some don't really want their mom there but after a lifetime of their mom running roughshod over them, they can't imagine withholding information, even if it is what they want to do.

[Anonymous]

I'd frame it as "I only want DH in the room with me" and not "i don't want you there". Just tell her that's what makes you the most comfortable. Stand firm. It's not about her, remind her of that, it's about YOU. It's your medical procedure and you get to decide. End.

Personally I'd tell her this sooner than later so that she doesn't spend a lot of time fantasizing about being in there with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi everyone, OP here. I really appreciate the advice. I think I need to make sure I am not oversharing. It's just that my mom is so excited and she wants to know everything - and she's local. I feel bad not telling her, but I need to stop. My fear if I tell her that we want it to only be us is that she's going to say something like, "Well, when I was giving birth, no one was around to help me, so I don't understand why you wouldn't want all the help you can get," or something like, "Oh, am I not good enough to be there?" She makes everything about herself. It's also just difficult since her and my dad don't get along so she doesn't really comprehend the idea that you'd want to share something like this just with your spouse. It's like that concept does not make sense to her. But I know that I need to pull back on sharing and purposefully keep things vague.

These kinds of statements are tough and annoying. It boils down to a lack of insight on your mother's part, that a) people can be different and b) that her own daughter might have different preferences than she does.

So, you're going to have to spell some things out:

"Mom, I'm making the decision that works best for us in our situation right now, not the situation you were in then."

"Mom, different people have different preferences, remember?"

"Mom, even if you don't understand my preference, I need you to respect it. I'm the one who is going to be giving birth here, so I need you to back off."

[Anonymous]

"I only want DH in the room with me" and not "i don't want you there"

This. And stop worrying about how to nicely communicate. Your relationship has problems if your Mother won't respect your requests. Start now to change that.

[Anonymous]

OP here - thanks for the additional replies. I do think the biggest takeaway for me is that I really need to start focusing on what's best for my core family, i.e. me, DH and baby. Admittedly, it's been hard because I am the constant for my parents, my other siblings do their own thing, and I find that I am the one that picks up the slack on their care, etc. But I am absolutely dedicated to my growing family and they have to come first. It's been a battle to set boundaries. My mom and I used to speak every day, and now I have cut that down to 2-3 times a week. But I need to do better and this is a good start in setting even more firm boundaries.