Anyone skeptical of relying on spouse in old age? How do you cope?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gosh.

My BIL was deeply involved in caregiving for my mom (his MIL) during many years when she lived with him and my sister and had a long string of medical issues--starting with knee surgery and moving along through TIA's, hip fracture, ruptured small intestine/ileostomy bag, 4 years of dialysis, Hoyer lift and hospital bed the final 5 years. His parents were kinda chilly and remote, there were 15 years between him and his next older sibling, and he always felt more like he was part of my sister's family than his own.

I do think that if you can't count on your spouse to be able to bathe you and wipe you if/when it comes to that, you don't have a spouse.

Do you supplement your sister and bil?

I'm curious to know this, too. Since BIL took such good care of your mom will you now allow your sister and your BIL to move in with you when their health goes seriously downhill?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Based on the number of times women have said they don't want to "take care of" a man in his old age, I'd say any man who relies on a woman to help him in his old age is foolhardy indeed.

#noliesdetected

[Anonymous]

Many women on DCUM suggest often that women should not be a SAHM because you can't count on your H to support the family by himself and should do your part in that regard from the beginning, despite the possibility that having a SAHM when they are very young could be the best care a child can get.

So I would also suggest that no wife should assume their husband will be around and will be willing to take care of them when they are elderly or infirm. Provide for yourself, make plans for yourself, whether it's an issue now or for later on.

Personally I'm 100% counting on my adult children to do whatever they can both financially and physically to care for me as I get older should the need arise. They have both assured me I have nothing to worry about in that regard.

Not only did they see me and my siblings care for our elderly mother until the day she died they also have vivid and happy memories of me caring for them when they were little, until they were both in school full time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many women on DCUM suggest often that women should not be a SAHM because you can't count on your H to support the family by himself and should do your part in that regard from the beginning, despite the possibility that having a SAHM when they are very young could be the best care a child can get.

So I would also suggest that no wife should assume their husband will be around and will be willing to take care of them when they are elderly or infirm. Provide for yourself, make plans for yourself, whether it's an issue now or for later on..

Visit an assisted living facility. It is usually 7 women per man. Assume your DH will predecease you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m counting on him getting me euthanized if my ass needs wiping from someone other than me.

Not in this area.

+1, I hope in our lifetime its allowed, especially after having to care for a loved one with dementia. It was a horrible death to suffer for years and the final few weeks were horrific.

Consider moving to one of those states that allow this. CA and Oregon come to mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many women on DCUM suggest often that women should not be a SAHM because you can't count on your H to support the family by himself and should do your part in that regard from the beginning, despite the possibility that having a SAHM when they are very young could be the best care a child can get.

So I would also suggest that no wife should assume their husband will be around and will be willing to take care of them when they are elderly or infirm. Provide for yourself, make plans for yourself, whether it's an issue now or for later on.

Personally I'm 100% counting on my adult children to do whatever they can both financially and physically to care for me as I get older should the need arise. They have both assured me I have nothing to worry about in that regard.

Not only did they see me and my siblings care for our elderly mother until the day she died they also have vivid and happy memories of me caring for them when they were little, until they were both in school full time.

I'm a SAHM and it is still my job and my husband's job to plan for our old age. I'm not putting that responsibility on my kids. No way will I do that. They need to be able to work and raise their own families. I am grateful that my own parents have felt the same way.

[Anonymous]

I’m a 69yo retired FED who married a 29yo foreign born spouse three years ago. She knows when I pass she gets my life insurance, $670k TSP, and half my pension for the rest of her life. She will take good care of me for the rest of my life and, in return, she will be financially secure for the rest of hers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m counting on him getting me euthanized if my ass needs wiping from someone other than me.

Not in this area.

+1, I hope in our lifetime its allowed, especially after having to care for a loved one with dementia. It was a horrible death to suffer for years and the final few weeks were horrific.

Consider moving to one of those states that allow this. CA and Oregon come to mind.

They are working to find a cure for diseases like Alzheimer's. Hopefully in 10 or 20 or 30 years there will be much better treatment available to those that need it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a 69yo retired FED who married a 29yo foreign born spouse three years ago. She knows when I pass she gets my life insurance, $670k TSP, and half my pension for the rest of her life. She will take good care of me for the rest of my life and, in return, she will be financially secure for the rest of hers.

Good thing she loves you because she is “set” already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a 69yo retired FED who married a 29yo foreign born spouse three years ago. She knows when I pass she gets my life insurance, $670k TSP, and half my pension for the rest of her life. She will take good care of me for the rest of my life and, in return, she will be financially secure for the rest of hers.

And if you are suffering from dementia, wandering 24 hours a day, confused and combative I hope that she will find a proper placement for you or her life will be pure, unadulterated hell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think very few women expect their husband to care for them in their old age, so welcome to our world. We generally outlive our husbands plus men are typically not great at care taking task (for cultural reasons—I’m not implying there is anything predetermined about this). If my husband is still alive when I am this way (doubtful), I’d trust him to drive me to doctors appointments and hire a caregiver but not much else. Daughters or long term care insurance is what most women plan for. Or a bottle of pills in the bathroom.

I’m with you. My FIL took care of my MIL for about five years at home when she had dementia until it wore him down and they finally got a full time caregiver. When she died he basically gave up on life and the caregiver took care of him for another three years until he died. My husband would be helpful but he would spend a great deal of money on 24/7 care. I’d likely do the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many women on DCUM suggest often that women should not be a SAHM because you can't count on your H to support the family by himself and should do your part in that regard from the beginning, despite the possibility that having a SAHM when they are very young could be the best care a child can get.

So I would also suggest that no wife should assume their husband will be around and will be willing to take care of them when they are elderly or infirm. Provide for yourself, make plans for yourself, whether it's an issue now or for later on.

Personally I'm 100% counting on my adult children to do whatever they can both financially and physically to care for me as I get older should the need arise. They have both assured me I have nothing to worry about in that regard.

Not only did they see me and my siblings care for our elderly mother until the day she died they also have vivid and happy memories of me caring for them when they were little, until they were both in school full time.

I'm a SAHM and it is still my job and my husband's job to plan for our old age. I'm not putting that responsibility on my kids. No way will I do that. They need to be able to work and raise their own families. I am grateful that my own parents have felt the same way.

My husband, who I am divorced from, and I also planned for our old age. Neither of us would have asked or told our kids that our old age care was their responsibility. And by the way, they are both middle aged, not young, so they are working and raising their own families. Yet, I am still 100% sure that if I need their help as I get older they will be there for me. So, my point is, you may not be able to count on your spouse but, at least in my case, with my children, I can count on them. It's comforting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can’t rely on him now- his ADD is something fierce and I pray all the time I don’t become physically or mentally I capacitated even for a week in the hospital.
Last kid to get into college and then I need to majorly evaluate why I’m here. It’s a real struggle.

I'm with you, OP. Let me guess? DH has a routine/act down so the ADD does not show to outsiders (or they have no idea from not having to live with it) - so DH looks "perfect", right? It is a special kind of hell.

absolutely. he has it well ingrained to hide and lie about any mistakes plus a suave speaker. a disaster at home and the kids realized it from age 5 onwards - no listening to them, does not even hear them, forgets stuff all the time, terrible driver, can't pack their backpacks correctly, forgets their appointments, doesn't know their teacher or friends, stares at smartphone 24/7. their uncles and grandfather are the complete opposite.

[Anonymous]

I trust my DH to take care of me if something happens. He’s a bit ADD, but a great medical doctor and husband. He took over the care of my mom in her last months of life, and his loving care and tireless effort to keep her comfortable, still brings me to tears. He is almost 9 years older than me, and if necessary, I will do everything in my power to take care of him.

Honestly, I don’t worry about it. Seeing my husband, siblings and their spouses, my children, nieces and nephews care for my mom and come together as a unit for her to leave this world in the best possible way, gives me security. Everyone was in charge of what they were comfortable with....even if it was just bringing hot meals over every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many women on DCUM suggest often that women should not be a SAHM because you can't count on your H to support the family by himself and should do your part in that regard from the beginning, despite the possibility that having a SAHM when they are very young could be the best care a child can get.

So I would also suggest that no wife should assume their husband will be around and will be willing to take care of them when they are elderly or infirm. Provide for yourself, make plans for yourself, whether it's an issue now or for later on.

Personally I'm 100% counting on my adult children to do whatever they can both financially and physically to care for me as I get older should the need arise. They have both assured me I have nothing to worry about in that regard.

Not only did they see me and my siblings care for our elderly mother until the day she died they also have vivid and happy memories of me caring for them when they were little, until they were both in school full time.

I'm a SAHM and it is still my job and my husband's job to plan for our old age. I'm not putting that responsibility on my kids. No way will I do that. They need to be able to work and raise their own families. I am grateful that my own parents have felt the same way.

It was an honor for my husband, siblings, children and other family to care for my mom. She raised me and my siblings and was always there to help everyone. No way would I have not been involved in her care. My dad died from cancer, so we all rallied around him and my mom then as well. It’s what family does.