Anyone skeptical of relying on spouse in old age? How do you cope?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, let me make sure I'm clear. You don't want her to care for you because she treats your special needs child terribly and your question is what you should do for yourself if/when you need care and no concern about the child being mistreated enough that it makes you not want this woman care for you later in life? Oh.

This x a million!!!

[Anonymous]

I was incapacitated for a while, and my parents had to come from Europe to care for the kids and house because was ADHD husband was so incompetent.
He was very unsympathetic during my illness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Think positive: maybe you'll get hit by a car and die on impact!

A blunt way to put it, but you don't know what will happen in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m counting on him getting me euthanized if my ass needs wiping from someone other than me.

Not in this area.

+1, I hope in our lifetime its allowed, especially after having to care for a loved one with dementia. It was a horrible death to suffer for years and the final few weeks were horrific.

[Anonymous]

My husband has ADHD, depression, executive function issues, and a number of health issues - some chronic and a never-ending series of smaller injuries or complaints. At times I have been sick everything goes to hell in a handbasket and I've been extremely stressed about that. I'm certain he won't know how to care for me if it comes down to it, but he's also six years older and so unhealthy it feels more likely I'll be taking care of him long term. I handle most things now and he's only in his mid 50s.

My biggest concern is that if I die or grow incapacitated due to some unexpected illness or injury too much will fall into my kids' laps. Or worse yet, if something happens to me before they go to college they will have very little care and guidance.

There's nothing I can do about that. We have very little family. I hold up the world in a lot of ways. I just hope to stay safe and healthy for the kids. My husband refuses to be more competent and is pretty limited. There's no one else to help.

I don't sleep very well at night.

[Anonymous]

I think very few women expect their husband to care for them in their old age, so welcome to our world. We generally outlive our husbands plus men are typically not great at care taking task (for cultural reasons—I’m not implying there is anything predetermined about this). If my husband is still alive when I am this way (doubtful), I’d trust him to drive me to doctors appointments and hire a caregiver but not much else. Daughters or long term care insurance is what most women plan for. Or a bottle of pills in the bathroom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can’t rely on him now- his ADD is something fierce and I pray all the time I don’t become physically or mentally I capacitated even for a week in the hospital.
Last kid to get into college and then I need to majorly evaluate why I’m here. It’s a real struggle.

I'm with you, OP. Let me guess? DH has a routine/act down so the ADD does not show to outsiders (or they have no idea from not having to live with it) - so DH looks "perfect", right? It is a special kind of hell.

[Anonymous]

Whew. My SO would be a better caretaker to me than I would be to him. I would pay someone to wipe his ass and make sure he was treated well and comfortable and would sit next to his bed day and night and maybe bathe him but overall, I am not built for hands-on nursing. He, on the other hand, is great at all of that and would take it on with gusto. I love him.

[Anonymous]

My friend’s father married a personality disordered woman. Their relationship was fine for decades. Then he lost his independence due to a stroke and a later infection. Now his child comes to visit from out-of-state when possible, but this man is basically stuck at home with his unempathetic wife.

Long story short, get out and have a plan for aging. Most of us, should we live long enough, will eventually become disabled to one extent or another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband has ADHD, depression, executive function issues, and a number of health issues - some chronic and a never-ending series of smaller injuries or complaints. At times I have been sick everything goes to hell in a handbasket and I've been extremely stressed about that. I'm certain he won't know how to care for me if it comes down to it, but he's also six years older and so unhealthy it feels more likely I'll be taking care of him long term. I handle most things now and he's only in his mid 50s.

My biggest concern is that if I die or grow incapacitated due to some unexpected illness or injury too much will fall into my kids' laps. Or worse yet, if something happens to me before they go to college they will have very little care and guidance.

There's nothing I can do about that. We have very little family. I hold up the world in a lot of ways. I just hope to stay safe and healthy for the kids. My husband refuses to be more competent and is pretty limited. There's no one else to help.

I don't sleep very well at night.

Put your energy into helping your kids become as competent as possible. The sad reality is, if most of us had a tragedy befall us no magical person would be swooping in to make it all o.k. for our kids.

If something happened to dh we would have some real problems to contend with. If something happened to me we would have another set of problems to contend with. The more capable your kids are of managing what they need to do, the better off they will be no matter what life brings.

[Anonymous]

Based on the number of times women have said they don't want to "take care of" a man in his old age, I'd say any man who relies on a woman to help him in his old age is foolhardy indeed.

[Anonymous]

Gosh.

My BIL was deeply involved in caregiving for my mom (his MIL) during many years when she lived with him and my sister and had a long string of medical issues--starting with knee surgery and moving along through TIA's, hip fracture, ruptured small intestine/ileostomy bag, 4 years of dialysis, Hoyer lift and hospital bed the final 5 years. His parents were kinda chilly and remote, there were 15 years between him and his next older sibling, and he always felt more like he was part of my sister's family than his own.

I do think that if you can't count on your spouse to be able to bathe you and wipe you if/when it comes to that, you don't have a spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gosh.

My BIL was deeply involved in caregiving for my mom (his MIL) during many years when she lived with him and my sister and had a long string of medical issues--starting with knee surgery and moving along through TIA's, hip fracture, ruptured small intestine/ileostomy bag, 4 years of dialysis, Hoyer lift and hospital bed the final 5 years. His parents were kinda chilly and remote, there were 15 years between him and his next older sibling, and he always felt more like he was part of my sister's family than his own.

I do think that if you can't count on your spouse to be able to bathe you and wipe you if/when it comes to that, you don't have a spouse.

Assisted living or home health aide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gosh.

My BIL was deeply involved in caregiving for my mom (his MIL) during many years when she lived with him and my sister and had a long string of medical issues--starting with knee surgery and moving along through TIA's, hip fracture, ruptured small intestine/ileostomy bag, 4 years of dialysis, Hoyer lift and hospital bed the final 5 years. His parents were kinda chilly and remote, there were 15 years between him and his next older sibling, and he always felt more like he was part of my sister's family than his own.

I do think that if you can't count on your spouse to be able to bathe you and wipe you if/when it comes to that, you don't have a spouse.

Does that mean that you are now on the hook to provide hands on eldercare for your BIL?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gosh.

My BIL was deeply involved in caregiving for my mom (his MIL) during many years when she lived with him and my sister and had a long string of medical issues--starting with knee surgery and moving along through TIA's, hip fracture, ruptured small intestine/ileostomy bag, 4 years of dialysis, Hoyer lift and hospital bed the final 5 years. His parents were kinda chilly and remote, there were 15 years between him and his next older sibling, and he always felt more like he was part of my sister's family than his own.

I do think that if you can't count on your spouse to be able to bathe you and wipe you if/when it comes to that, you don't have a spouse.

Do you supplement your sister and bil?