Red flag or normal behavior?

[Anonymous]

It’s disrespectful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, this is a red flag. It’s disrespectful to you, and very immature. My college boyfriend did this and it affected me to the extent that any woman I saw or we encountered, I wonuld mentally calculate if he would find her attractive; It was very unhealthy, as was our relationship. We broke up 25 years ago and thankfully, I haven’t experienced it since.

One ex of mine did this as well. He did it to unnerve me and make me feel insecure. There's a difference between an occasional double take and a deliberate scanning of other women when you are out with him. The first is normal, the second is rude or worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost a year now. We’ve known each other since we were kids but we were more like friendly acquaintances throughout school. When I came back home from college, we ran into each other and he asked me out. It’s honestly the best relationship I’ve ever been in. Even though I know we are in a committed and respectful relationship it’s been bothering me that he looks at other women when we’re out. I get it, most guys look at other attractive women and studies say that they can’t “help it” but it’s starting to actually bug me. I’ve always been a confident person but when he does this it makes me feel insecure. I’m not sure if he thinks he’s sly and that I don’t notice (or maybe doesn’t care if I know) but I do. Last weekend we went on our first real vacation together and while walking through an aquarium he made a comment about a women’s boobs that walked past us but I hadn’t even noticed her. When I called him out on the comment he said that although he’s committed to me, “if it’s right in front of me I’m going to look.” Now, I see him doing this at most places we go. Another example is he kept looking behind him at this woman at Starbucks, then after he knows I’ve noticed he’ll try to get close to me and put his arm around me, which makes me feel weird. I don’t want to bring it up to him because I don’t want to come across as the extremely insecure girlfriend. I feel like I’m crazy for letting this bother me but it is. Is this a red flag or is it normal and I should let it go?

So you feel crazy about this? But the problem is you? Seems like he's got you trained really well to take all the responsibility for something he actually does. Sorry, OP, this in and of itself would not be a dealbreaker....except that it makes you feel crazy! And feeling crazy is the dealbreaker. Maybe it wouldn't bother another woman. But you're not another woman. You're you. Even if he is a perfect partner who will never stray - how much time do you have to waste feeling crazy because you can never be sure?

So sorry, but this is a big red flag. I know this is the best relationship you have ever had but, not trying to be patronizing here, you're still quite young and people change a lot in their 20s. My guess is that you can break up with him and there will be other good relationships out there. Good luck to you.

I wasted so much of my 20's trying not to be "crazy". Turns out, it was their behavior that made me crazy. Not saying I don't have issues. But the good guys and certainly DH, accepted me and my issues and behaved in honorable, respectful ways that didn't (rightfully) cause the "crazies". If you play the push-pull game, or leer at women or gaslight me, of course I'm going to be insecure and a little crazy. So what I learned it, if I started to feel like "I'm crazy", I knew that wasn't the right guy for me. Good bye!

And the guy that leered at women in front of me--super, super insecure and trying to make me jealous so I would prove to him that he was worthy and I really liked him. It backfired on him, because I didn't get jealous. I would just tell him he was being a jerk. So it made him leer even more. Ugh...why did I stay with him for so long...

[Anonymous]

I think men cannot help but stare when a pretty woman is present.

They are just wired to look.

But no man should be commenting about other women.
That crosses the line in my opinion.

[Anonymous]

Let he or she who hasn't checked out an attractive person in the presence of their SO cast the first stone.

As for the comment, it sounds like he was being open and sharing with you. You shut it down and he recognized that you feel inadequate when you catch him noticing attractive women. To reassure you, he comes back to you if and when you do notice. And you're mad about the reassurance?

Much better to mentally beat him into secrecy so that you can grow in resentment towards each other and develop true suburban love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Looking at other women = normal
Obviously leering at them = red flag
Making comments to you about other women's bodies = red flag

But the biggest red flag of all: dismissing your feelings and refusing to change his behavior if you tell him it makes you uncomfortable.

Agree that leering is an issue.

Commenting is a sign of comfort in my opinion. DH and I will make comments to each other about other women and men. A woman might walk by and he'll say, "did you catch that? Her boobs are going to fall out of that dress at some point." Or "how long do you think he spent on his hair? Do you ever see me in those pants?" I make similar comments to him. It's more we are pointing things out. I don't get offended that he notices big boobs or a certain outfit. I'm happy that he's comfortable enough with me to comment to me. It makes me feel like we are truly best friends.

[Anonymous]

He sounds very arrogant. I wouldn't want my partner leering at other women from the get go.

I've been married 12 years and my husband has never done that.

[Anonymous]

He is a pig. Red Flag. Can you imagine spending your life with such a person? So gross. Dump him now. Find someone who respects you

[Anonymous]

It’s gross. If I were the woman in Starbucks, I would feel bad for you. No one likes it; it’s disgusting, rude, inconsiderate, and immature. I truly hope you move on quickly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is a pig. Red Flag. Can you imagine spending your life with such a person? So gross. Dump him now. Find someone who respects you

Who respects you AND others!

[Anonymous]

I'm Bi. My husband and I will sometimes talk about a hot female celebrity. But he never ogles women in public that I'm aware of and doesnt comment on hot chicks on TV unless bring it up first.

DTMFA

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s gross. If I were the woman in Starbucks, I would feel bad for you. No one likes it; it’s disgusting, rude, inconsiderate, and immature. I truly hope you move on quickly.

It's also extremely uncomfortable to be the object of the ogling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has NEVER made a comment about another woman's body in front of me. Not when we were neighbors, not when we were dating, and not since we've been married.

He does not look at other women in front of me. Your boyfriend sounds like a pig, sorry.

Same and in all my dating history I don’t remember it happening even once.

+2

[Anonymous]

This wouldn’t bother me.

[Anonymous]

I don’t really buy the whole “but it’s natural!” argument. It’s natural for me to bleed out of my vagina. Doesn’t mean I leave used tampons laying out and a bloody mess in the toilet for my DH to see. It’s not that difficult to alter your behavior out of respect for your partner.

For what it’s worth, however, I don’t think many men are interested in changing that. No guy I dated who leered at other women ever stopped. It bothered me enough that I decided I wouldn’t date men who did it. Surprisingly, there are a ton of men out there who don’t. I’m sure he does it, but I have never caught my DH so much as glance at another woman in my presence. He believes it’s just basic respect not to. Heck, he won’t even comment on what celebrities he finds attractive when I ask him. Someone clearly trained him well, lol.

Put some thought into deciding if you can let this go, if it will bother you in 10-20 years when you are much older and he’s staring at younger women, or if it’s a dealbreaker for you. There are better men out there, I promise.