Husband says he doesn’t want to talk about practical stuff

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband has little to no interest in being involved in every day planning which it seems based on the responses I may be the only person who views it as a great thing. I get to choose everything based on what fits me and my kids and not have to go back and forth with my husband on every little detail.

Now let me say I do consider what he likes when planning things out of sheer courtesy and respect towards him since I want everyone to be happy but in the end if he doesn't like it I tell him to suck it up buttercup because you had a chance to put your two cents into the pot of what were doing.

Everyone has strengths and things they want/like to do and if planning or making decisions for vacations/home buying isn't his then let it be and long as hes s good husband and pulls his marriage weight in other ways. Pick your battles and dont choose to make a fight out of e erything.

I’m a pp and I agree with you completely. I’m very organized and detail oriented and I know my husbands like and dislikes. Our skills are incredibly complementary so the whole is much greater than the sum of the parts. We respect each other’s judgement and it is very rare that we disagree on someone’s decision. We built a house a few years ago and other then the $ and the basic design he left all of the decisions up to me. I’d ask his opinion on things like cabinetry and counter tops and most of the time he’d just say looks good. It makes life easy when it works this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Either accept that you’re going to do it all yourself without his help/input, or divorce him.

+1. How did you handle the practical stuff while dating?

[Anonymous]

Where’s OP? We need some more info.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is very dreamy and a romantic. His interests are art, politics, philosophy, literature and religion.

That’s all fine but I want for us to figure out logistics of every day life. Finances and mortgages and vacations.

He gets so bored and checks out whenever I try to bring up any of those topics.

I don’t know what to do.

If he’s a good husband, father and has a good job just handle the other stuff. If he’s romantic and has interest in things other than sports you can learn a lot. Just make sure he knows how to take out the garbage, help clean the kitchen etc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't have children with him. Get great birth control - that's what you should do.

x10000 OP -- if you have children with him, this issue will be magnified a thousand times, and you will go out of your mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Either accept that you’re going to do it all yourself without his help/input, or divorce him.

+1. How did you handle the practical stuff while dating?

DP.. this is the thing.. when you are dating, your relationship is different. There is very little practical stuff you need to deal with together. If they went on vacation together, chances are OP did all the planning, but during the dating stage, that was fine. When you get married, you have to deal with the day in day out drudgery and practical stuff together; throw in the kids and that is magnified a thousand times.

What was once quirky and different about your S/O becomes annoying and/or immature once you get older and have kids. I saw this happen to a coworker. They were quite young when I met them. No kids. The wife would laugh at her husband's quirkiness and immaturity. Then kids came along. She tried to have the same attitude, but after a while, it got to be too much. So they are now divorced. Oh, and she was the primary bread winner.

[Anonymous]

OP, take charge. If this were a career, people would say, "lean in". You know who he is. He's not interested. This gives you incredible power. And could bring you a lot of satisfaction. Plan. You plan. Yes, you need to inform him - and any huge financial decision, of course, as it will need his signature, him agreeing with you. But vacation planning, other life... as you say day-to-day planning -- you do. He trusts you. You've just got to trust yourself and not see this as an indication that he doesn't enjoy discussions with you. Just not about this stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has little to no interest in being involved in every day planning which it seems based on the responses I may be the only person who views it as a great thing. I get to choose everything based on what fits me and my kids and not have to go back and forth with my husband on every little detail.

Now let me say I do consider what he likes when planning things out of sheer courtesy and respect towards him since I want everyone to be happy but in the end if he doesn't like it I tell him to suck it up buttercup because you had a chance to put your two cents into the pot of what were doing.

Everyone has strengths and things they want/like to do and if planning or making decisions for vacations/home buying isn't his then let it be and long as hes s good husband and pulls his marriage weight in other ways. Pick your battles and dont choose to make a fight out of e erything.

I’m a pp and I agree with you completely. I’m very organized and detail oriented and I know my husbands like and dislikes. Our skills are incredibly complementary so the whole is much greater than the sum of the parts. We respect each other’s judgement and it is very rare that we disagree on someone’s decision. We built a house a few years ago and other then the $ and the basic design he left all of the decisions up to me. I’d ask his opinion on things like cabinetry and counter tops and most of the time he’d just say looks good. It makes life easy when it works this way.

This ia great if you like it this way! But what if neither of you really likes being in charge of that stuff? I can't say I do, I'd rather spend my time on art or philosophy (or, let's be honest, the internet and the great outdoors) as well. But you can't have one person unilaterally dump it on the other, it has to get done to some extent. I mean, my house has mismatched furniture, white walls, and no design scheme because neither of us care enough, but it still has to get cleaned, repaired, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is very dreamy and a romantic. His interests are art, politics, philosophy, literature and religion.

That’s all fine but I want for us to figure out logistics of every day life. Finances and mortgages and vacations.

He gets so bored and checks out whenever I try to bring up any of those topics.

I don’t know what to do.

How convenient! He does not want to talk or deal with life!

I am similar to OPs DH ( outside of the religious part, and more business heavy). The issues is a lot of this doesn’t need to be a discussion, or at the very least it doesn’t need to be a regular one..

Mortgage discussion doesn’t need to be more they 5 minutes. Most of a mortgage is actually dictate by some else based on your income and debt. Either stretch it or be more conservative. If you are at the point of purchasing a house with someone you probably know there financial philosophy.

Vacations, ever read the vacation threads on here. People turn vacations into trips and make both more miserable than they need to be.
You get on a plain or in a car and you go somewhere enjoy it and leave. Again if you are married you know what type of traveler your spouse is and you know what type accommodations they prefer.

We both know you can't just get on a plane to "somewhere." Somebody in the marriage has to set a budget, arrange time off work, buy tickets, make reservations, and pack. If they don't talk about it, then either they never travel or she does everything. And doing everything can be very lonely and stressful, even if you're not worried about whether your spouse will enjoy it.

And then repeat for every household decision. Ugh.

PP here. But it doesn’t have to be a long “discussion”. Perfect scenario. Last night I said to wife my wife do you want to go to Paris end of September early October? She said sounds great. I then notice really good deals on hotels in Madrid, said to you want to go to Madrid also, she said sound sure. I booked 3 tickets, 4 nights hotel in Paris and four nights in a hotel in Madrid. It took a grand
total of 15 minutes. Less than 1 min was conversation.

One of us will send an email to hotel a few days before we leave asking them to arrange airport transfer.

Outbound flight is in evening out of Dulles we will pack in the morning go to airport early - mid afternoon, eat early dinner, get on plain.

When we get there we will get train tickets to and from Madrid.

What grand conversation needs to be had?

My guess is her DH is responding just not to level she expects.

NP. I think you are a troll. But if you’re not a troll, your experience is very different from many, whether married or not. Sounds like you have no kids, lots of financial freedom, and enough flexibility at work that you CBC book a vacation without requesting the time off or even checking your calendar. It does sound nice and easy t do it your way, but you can bet if we’re planning our once in a decade trip abroad I’m going to spend more than 15 minutes on it and will want to discuss options with DH. And he’ll would want the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Well, that’s fun for vacation or date night. Life still needs to happen. It doesn’t have to dominate your conversations, but checking in with practical details and having a general plan will help build a life that is inherently more open to non domestic convos.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is very dreamy and a romantic. His interests are art, politics, philosophy, literature and religion.

That’s all fine but I want for us to figure out logistics of every day life. Finances and mortgages and vacations.

He gets so bored and checks out whenever I try to bring up any of those topics.

I don’t know what to do.

How convenient! He does not want to talk or deal with life!

I am similar to OPs DH ( outside of the religious part, and more business heavy). The issues is a lot of this doesn’t need to be a discussion, or at the very least it doesn’t need to be a regular one..

Mortgage discussion doesn’t need to be more they 5 minutes. Most of a mortgage is actually dictate by some else based on your income and debt. Either stretch it or be more conservative. If you are at the point of purchasing a house with someone you probably know there financial philosophy.

Vacations, ever read the vacation threads on here. People turn vacations into trips and make both more miserable than they need to be.
You get on a plain or in a car and you go somewhere enjoy it and leave. Again if you are married you know what type of traveler your spouse is and you know what type accommodations they prefer.

We both know you can't just get on a plane to "somewhere." Somebody in the marriage has to set a budget, arrange time off work, buy tickets, make reservations, and pack. If they don't talk about it, then either they never travel or she does everything. And doing everything can be very lonely and stressful, even if you're not worried about whether your spouse will enjoy it.

And then repeat for every household decision. Ugh.

PP here. But it doesn’t have to be a long “discussion”. Perfect scenario. Last night I said to wife my wife do you want to go to Paris end of September early October? She said sounds great. I then notice really good deals on hotels in Madrid, said to you want to go to Madrid also, she said sound sure. I booked 3 tickets, 4 nights hotel in Paris and four nights in a hotel in Madrid. It took a grand
total of 15 minutes. Less than 1 min was conversation.

One of us will send an email to hotel a few days before we leave asking them to arrange airport transfer.

Outbound flight is in evening out of Dulles we will pack in the morning go to airport early - mid afternoon, eat early dinner, get on plain.

When we get there we will get train tickets to and from Madrid.

What grand conversation needs to be had?

My guess is her DH is responding just not to level she expects.

NP. I think you are a troll. But if you’re not a troll, your experience is very different from many, whether married or not. Sounds like you have no kids, lots of financial freedom, and enough flexibility at work that you CBC book a vacation without requesting the time off or even checking your calendar. It does sound nice and easy t do it your way, but you can bet if we’re planning our once in a decade trip abroad I’m going to spend more than 15 minutes on it and will want to discuss options with DH. And he’ll would want the same thing.

Again without kids, yes it’s easy to fly to a hotel anywhere in the world.

What else are you going to do while in Paris or Madrid? I believe tickets for the Louvre have a waitlist, for example.

I mean if staying in the hotel for four days is fun, great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband has little to no interest in being involved in every day planning which it seems based on the responses I may be the only person who views it as a great thing. I get to choose everything based on what fits me and my kids and not have to go back and forth with my husband on every little detail.

Now let me say I do consider what he likes when planning things out of sheer courtesy and respect towards him since I want everyone to be happy but in the end if he doesn't like it I tell him to suck it up buttercup because you had a chance to put your two cents into the pot of what were doing.

Everyone has strengths and things they want/like to do and if planning or making decisions for vacations/home buying isn't his then let it be and long as hes s good husband and pulls his marriage weight in other ways. Pick your battles and dont choose to make a fight out of e erything.

So not his kids or he just treats them like they aren’t?

[Anonymous]

OP, do you get something out of his conversations about what he wants to talk about? And does he DO day to day stuff?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has little to no interest in being involved in every day planning which it seems based on the responses I may be the only person who views it as a great thing. I get to choose everything based on what fits me and my kids and not have to go back and forth with my husband on every little detail.

Now let me say I do consider what he likes when planning things out of sheer courtesy and respect towards him since I want everyone to be happy but in the end if he doesn't like it I tell him to suck it up buttercup because you had a chance to put your two cents into the pot of what were doing.

Everyone has strengths and things they want/like to do and if planning or making decisions for vacations/home buying isn't his then let it be and long as hes s good husband and pulls his marriage weight in other ways. Pick your battles and dont choose to make a fight out of e erything.

So not his kids or he just treats them like they aren’t?

His kids and I should have worded it our kids oops.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is very dreamy and a romantic. His interests are art, politics, philosophy, literature and religion.

That’s all fine but I want for us to figure out logistics of every day life. Finances and mortgages and vacations.

He gets so bored and checks out whenever I try to bring up any of those topics.

I don’t know what to do.

How convenient! He does not want to talk or deal with life!

I am similar to OPs DH ( outside of the religious part, and more business heavy). The issues is a lot of this doesn’t need to be a discussion, or at the very least it doesn’t need to be a regular one..

Mortgage discussion doesn’t need to be more they 5 minutes. Most of a mortgage is actually dictate by some else based on your income and debt. Either stretch it or be more conservative. If you are at the point of purchasing a house with someone you probably know there financial philosophy.

Vacations, ever read the vacation threads on here. People turn vacations into trips and make both more miserable than they need to be.
You get on a plain or in a car and you go somewhere enjoy it and leave. Again if you are married you know what type of traveler your spouse is and you know what type accommodations they prefer.

We both know you can't just get on a plane to "somewhere." Somebody in the marriage has to set a budget, arrange time off work, buy tickets, make reservations, and pack. If they don't talk about it, then either they never travel or she does everything. And doing everything can be very lonely and stressful, even if you're not worried about whether your spouse will enjoy it.

And then repeat for every household decision. Ugh.

PP here. But it doesn’t have to be a long “discussion”. Perfect scenario. Last night I said to wife my wife do you want to go to Paris end of September early October? She said sounds great. I then notice really good deals on hotels in Madrid, said to you want to go to Madrid also, she said sound sure. I booked 3 tickets, 4 nights hotel in Paris and four nights in a hotel in Madrid. It took a grand
total of 15 minutes. Less than 1 min was conversation.

One of us will send an email to hotel a few days before we leave asking them to arrange airport transfer.

Outbound flight is in evening out of Dulles we will pack in the morning go to airport early - mid afternoon, eat early dinner, get on plain.

When we get there we will get train tickets to and from Madrid.

What grand conversation needs to be had?

My guess is her DH is responding just not to level she expects.

NP. I think you are a troll. But if you’re not a troll, your experience is very different from many, whether married or not. Sounds like you have no kids, lots of financial freedom, and enough flexibility at work that you CBC book a vacation without requesting the time off or even checking your calendar. It does sound nice and easy t do it your way, but you can bet if we’re planning our once in a decade trip abroad I’m going to spend more than 15 minutes on it and will want to discuss options with DH. And he’ll would want the same thing.

Again without kids, yes it’s easy to fly to a hotel anywhere in the world.

What else are you going to do while in Paris or Madrid? I believe tickets for the Louvre have a waitlist, for example.

I mean if staying in the hotel for four days is fun, great.

What makes you think I am a troll? Our son is coming with us. We both work full time. Yes we have jobs that have a lot of flexibility. DW has 18 weeks a year where travel is not option. I know what those weeks are. Even if she had to request time off, it would be a one sentence “when can you get off end of sept early October?” She would tell me and I would book around that. Less than 5 min of communication there.

As far as budget we both know how much we have, we both know what is reasonable. It isn’t a blow out trip. We are staying at nicer hotels but not Ritz or Four Seasons.


You really think that if you don’t have four days of activities planned and book prior to leaving that your only option is to sit in a hotel for four days?
We will walk around, eat, just enjoy the city and each other while enjoying sights. If we can’t get into the Louvre it will not make or break our trip.