Declining offer to help when it isn’t really helpful at all?

[Anonymous]

Well, DP here. Since OP only said "subtle or unsubtle HINTS" we don't know what she has actually said. It sounds like she is not direct, based on her own words.

And to PP with the dictionary post. Come on. You are being unnecesarily aggressive. And...well,there is some irony there...I tend to agree with the PP's interpretation of hints, that OP is not giving a direct verbal cue. I could argue you can't read, but I try not to be a bitch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, PP, you apparently have a strong need to justify unhealthy interactions. Work on that.

/not OP

Okay. NP here. While I don't agree that OP is terrible person and there are several outs here...what is unhealthy about mom wanting 30 minutes of small talk time with her daughter?

Based on OPs post alone, no other info,she is strung up because Mom will want to chat, not just ghost.

I think OP can politely decline, but is one total hour really going to kill her schedule?

I wasn't talking about the interaction between OP and her mother as unhealthy. I was talking about the interaction between PP and OP.

Be that as it may -- this is not 30 minutes, but an hour. That's an hour (pickup and dropoff times, together) on what is a very stressful day. OP is telling us that her mother can't "read the room." She doesn't pick up and respond to verbal and nonverbal cues that OP needs to focus on other things and is getting stressed.

It's not necessarily that OP can't do it. It's just pretty sad and painful that OP's mom doesn't care as much about what her daughter needs in a stressful moment as she does about her own desire to talk at that particular moment, instead of a little sooner or later. It's not like they never see each other.

NP. If/when my mom isn't "reading the room," I politely and directly talk to her about what I want or need. What a novel concept! Directly expressing your wishes instead of getting frustrated that someone else isn't doing exactly what I want them to do when I want them to do it.

I hate it when people treat life like a Jane Austen novel full of weighted pauses, fraught looks and furtive glances. Just open your mouth and say, "I love you, Mr. Darcy!"

Yeah, that's called a "verbal cue."

Let me be direct about it: I don't think you can read.

"Verbal cue" is not a thing, unless you mean passive agressive words, vague statements, or hand-wringing mush-mouthing.

Use your words, not your "verbal cues."

"Verbal cue" has a specific meaning in talking about how language works. It includes direct commands.

Sorry you don't know how to talk about words. I even included a videolink!

Sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, PP, you apparently have a strong need to justify unhealthy interactions. Work on that.

/not OP

Okay. NP here. While I don't agree that OP is terrible person and there are several outs here...what is unhealthy about mom wanting 30 minutes of small talk time with her daughter?

Based on OPs post alone, no other info,she is strung up because Mom will want to chat, not just ghost.

I think OP can politely decline, but is one total hour really going to kill her schedule?

I wasn't talking about the interaction between OP and her mother as unhealthy. I was talking about the interaction between PP and OP.

Be that as it may -- this is not 30 minutes, but an hour. That's an hour (pickup and dropoff times, together) on what is a very stressful day. OP is telling us that her mother can't "read the room." She doesn't pick up and respond to verbal and nonverbal cues that OP needs to focus on other things and is getting stressed.

It's not necessarily that OP can't do it. It's just pretty sad and painful that OP's mom doesn't care as much about what her daughter needs in a stressful moment as she does about her own desire to talk at that particular moment, instead of a little sooner or later. It's not like they never see each other.

NP. If/when my mom isn't "reading the room," I politely and directly talk to her about what I want or need. What a novel concept! Directly expressing your wishes instead of getting frustrated that someone else isn't doing exactly what I want them to do when I want them to do it.

I hate it when people treat life like a Jane Austen novel full of weighted pauses, fraught looks and furtive glances. Just open your mouth and say, "I love you, Mr. Darcy!"

Yeah, that's called a "verbal cue."

Let me be direct about it: I don't think you can read.

"Verbal cue" is not a thing, unless you mean passive agressive words, vague statements, or hand-wringing mush-mouthing.

Use your words, not your "verbal cues."

"Verbal cue" has a specific meaning in talking about how language works. It includes direct commands.

Sorry you don't know how to talk about words. I even included a videolink!

Sad.

Mwauh mwauh mwauh...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So your mother wants to see her grandchildren and daughter before they leave on summer vacation? That is truly a terrible thing for her to want to do. It may not be helpful for you but suck it up and appreciate that you have a relationship with your mother.

But she needs to pack to leave. If the mom is willing to dash around from room to room with her, that’s fine. But an hour of sitting over coffee is inconsiderate.

My mom also offers help that ends up being counter productive for the same reason. Or worse, she’ll arrive with shopping bags full of things she thinks will help and I waste an hour looking through them at her assistance and debating her insistence that the battery operated personal fan IS worth suitcase space even if it only gets used once. “Margaret says hers saved her from heat stroke at the Memorial Day parade!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, DP here. Since OP only said "subtle or unsubtle HINTS" we don't know what she has actually said. It sounds like she is not direct, based on her own words.

She says she has to be direct because her mother doesn't pick up even unsubtle hints.

OP didn't say she only gives weighted pauses, fraught looks and furtive glances. She flat out says she has to be direct, and she asked for help this time in doing that as politely as possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So your mother wants to see her grandchildren and daughter before they leave on summer vacation? That is truly a terrible thing for her to want to do. It may not be helpful for you but suck it up and appreciate that you have a relationship with your mother.

But she needs to pack to leave. If the mom is willing to dash around from room to room with her, that’s fine. But an hour of sitting over coffee is inconsiderate.

My mom also offers help that ends up being counter productive for the same reason. Or worse, she’ll arrive with shopping bags full of things she thinks will help and I waste an hour looking through them at her assistance and debating her insistence that the battery operated personal fan IS worth suitcase space even if it only gets used once. “Margaret says hers saved her from heat stroke at the Memorial Day parade!”

Oh, my word. Who said OP's mom would march in and DEMAND that OP park it in the living room with her for an hour? Like, what do you really think would happen if OP said, "I've got to chat and pack at the same time; come on up to the bedroom with me, if you'd like." And what if she did decline such and offer and pout a bit? OK, and? She wouldn't light the house on fire or anything.

Who cares what your mom does? That's not relevant, because this isn't about you and your mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Oh, my word. Who said OP's mom would march in and DEMAND that OP park it in the living room with her for an hour? Like, what do you really think would happen if OP said, "I've got to chat and pack at the same time; come on up to the bedroom with me, if you'd like." And what if she did decline such and offer and pout a bit? OK, and? She wouldn't light the house on fire or anything.

Who cares what your mom does? That's not relevant, because this isn't about you and your mom.

DP.

Let's find out instead of speculating.

OP, did it ever occur to you to say "I've got to chat and pack at the same time; come on up to the bedroom with me, if you'd like." What happened, if you did?

And if your mom declines that kind of offer and pouts about it, how does that work? Does dealing with her really interfere with getting anything done? How?