Declining offer to help when it isn’t really helpful at all?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OK mom! I just won't have much time to chit chat like we usually do. I have tons to do!

(she's your mom, you can speak candidly to her)

This! She's your mom. Why do you need a "polite way to decline her offer", like you're talking about a stranger or someone you know socially.

OP's mom is probably overbearing or a martyr. Your mom probably wasn't.

[Anonymous]

I think your best bet is to be as non-specific as possible. If you are caught in a lie, that won't go over well. But I also think you need to set some boundaries clearly.

Something like, "Oh thanks, mom, that's really kind of you! We already have that taken care of. We're going to be so busy that day that we might not be answering the phones, much less the door. Let's get together when we get back. Would you like to have Sunday dinner with us? The kids can tell you all about the trip!"

[Anonymous]

OP, you are a terrible daughter and a terrible person

[Anonymous]

No, PP, you apparently have a strong need to justify unhealthy interactions. Work on that.

/not OP

[Anonymous]

Man, I hope my kids never see me as a nuisance they are desperate to avoid. That’s sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man, I hope my kids never see me as a nuisance they are desperate to avoid. That’s sad.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man, I hope my kids never see me as a nuisance they are desperate to avoid. That’s sad.

+1

+1

And I wouldn't be calling them a terrible person if they did. I'd be looking in the mirror.

In general, if people don't want you to be around, it's because you don't actually make things better when you are around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, PP, you apparently have a strong need to justify unhealthy interactions. Work on that.

/not OP

Okay. NP here. While I don't agree that OP is terrible person and there are several outs here...what is unhealthy about mom wanting 30 minutes of small talk time with her daughter?

Based on OPs post alone, no other info,she is strung up because Mom will want to chat, not just ghost.

I think OP can politely decline, but is one total hour really going to kill her schedule?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, PP, you apparently have a strong need to justify unhealthy interactions. Work on that.

/not OP

Okay. NP here. While I don't agree that OP is terrible person and there are several outs here...what is unhealthy about mom wanting 30 minutes of small talk time with her daughter?

Based on OPs post alone, no other info,she is strung up because Mom will want to chat, not just ghost.

I think OP can politely decline, but is one total hour really going to kill her schedule?

I wasn't talking about the interaction between OP and her mother as unhealthy. I was talking about the interaction between PP and OP.

Be that as it may -- this is not 30 minutes, but an hour. That's an hour (pickup and dropoff times, together) on what is a very stressful day. OP is telling us that her mother can't "read the room." She doesn't pick up and respond to verbal and nonverbal cues that OP needs to focus on other things and is getting stressed.

It's not necessarily that OP can't do it. It's just pretty sad and painful that OP's mom doesn't care as much about what her daughter needs in a stressful moment as she does about her own desire to talk at that particular moment, instead of a little sooner or later. It's not like they never see each other.

[Anonymous]

Why can't you just pack while she talks? And if she says you're not listening or whatever, just tell her, "Mom, I'm feeling anxious about getting this all done, so please forgive me if I'm not as attentive as usual. I really appreciate that you are taking the kids to give me time today--it's a huge help."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you just pack while she talks? And if she says you're not listening or whatever, just tell her, "Mom, I'm feeling anxious about getting this all done, so please forgive me if I'm not as attentive as usual. I really appreciate that you are taking the kids to give me time today--it's a huge help."

Or give her money to take the kids to a movie or to do another specific activity out of the house that you know they'll enjoy/will be relatively easy for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, PP, you apparently have a strong need to justify unhealthy interactions. Work on that.

/not OP

Okay. NP here. While I don't agree that OP is terrible person and there are several outs here...what is unhealthy about mom wanting 30 minutes of small talk time with her daughter?

Based on OPs post alone, no other info,she is strung up because Mom will want to chat, not just ghost.

I think OP can politely decline, but is one total hour really going to kill her schedule?

I wasn't talking about the interaction between OP and her mother as unhealthy. I was talking about the interaction between PP and OP.

Be that as it may -- this is not 30 minutes, but an hour. That's an hour (pickup and dropoff times, together) on what is a very stressful day. OP is telling us that her mother can't "read the room." She doesn't pick up and respond to verbal and nonverbal cues that OP needs to focus on other things and is getting stressed.

It's not necessarily that OP can't do it. It's just pretty sad and painful that OP's mom doesn't care as much about what her daughter needs in a stressful moment as she does about her own desire to talk at that particular moment, instead of a little sooner or later. It's not like they never see each other.

NP. If/when my mom isn't "reading the room," I politely and directly talk to her about what I want or need. What a novel concept! Directly expressing your wishes instead of getting frustrated that someone else isn't doing exactly what I want them to do when I want them to do it.

I hate it when people treat life like a Jane Austen novel full of weighted pauses, fraught looks and furtive glances. Just open your mouth and say, "I love you, Mr. Darcy!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, PP, you apparently have a strong need to justify unhealthy interactions. Work on that.

/not OP

Okay. NP here. While I don't agree that OP is terrible person and there are several outs here...what is unhealthy about mom wanting 30 minutes of small talk time with her daughter?

Based on OPs post alone, no other info,she is strung up because Mom will want to chat, not just ghost.

I think OP can politely decline, but is one total hour really going to kill her schedule?

I wasn't talking about the interaction between OP and her mother as unhealthy. I was talking about the interaction between PP and OP.

Be that as it may -- this is not 30 minutes, but an hour. That's an hour (pickup and dropoff times, together) on what is a very stressful day. OP is telling us that her mother can't "read the room." She doesn't pick up and respond to verbal and nonverbal cues that OP needs to focus on other things and is getting stressed.

It's not necessarily that OP can't do it. It's just pretty sad and painful that OP's mom doesn't care as much about what her daughter needs in a stressful moment as she does about her own desire to talk at that particular moment, instead of a little sooner or later. It's not like they never see each other.

NP. If/when my mom isn't "reading the room," I politely and directly talk to her about what I want or need. What a novel concept! Directly expressing your wishes instead of getting frustrated that someone else isn't doing exactly what I want them to do when I want them to do it.

I hate it when people treat life like a Jane Austen novel full of weighted pauses, fraught looks and furtive glances. Just open your mouth and say, "I love you, Mr. Darcy!"

Yeah, that's called a "verbal cue."

Let me be direct about it: I don't think you can read.

[Anonymous]

Here, PP: https://study.com/academy/lesson/verbal-cues-in-communication-definition-examples.html

"A verbal cue is a prompt that is conveyed in spoken language from one person to another or a group of people."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, PP, you apparently have a strong need to justify unhealthy interactions. Work on that.

/not OP

Okay. NP here. While I don't agree that OP is terrible person and there are several outs here...what is unhealthy about mom wanting 30 minutes of small talk time with her daughter?

Based on OPs post alone, no other info,she is strung up because Mom will want to chat, not just ghost.

I think OP can politely decline, but is one total hour really going to kill her schedule?

I wasn't talking about the interaction between OP and her mother as unhealthy. I was talking about the interaction between PP and OP.

Be that as it may -- this is not 30 minutes, but an hour. That's an hour (pickup and dropoff times, together) on what is a very stressful day. OP is telling us that her mother can't "read the room." She doesn't pick up and respond to verbal and nonverbal cues that OP needs to focus on other things and is getting stressed.

It's not necessarily that OP can't do it. It's just pretty sad and painful that OP's mom doesn't care as much about what her daughter needs in a stressful moment as she does about her own desire to talk at that particular moment, instead of a little sooner or later. It's not like they never see each other.

NP. If/when my mom isn't "reading the room," I politely and directly talk to her about what I want or need. What a novel concept! Directly expressing your wishes instead of getting frustrated that someone else isn't doing exactly what I want them to do when I want them to do it.

I hate it when people treat life like a Jane Austen novel full of weighted pauses, fraught looks and furtive glances. Just open your mouth and say, "I love you, Mr. Darcy!"

Yeah, that's called a "verbal cue."

Let me be direct about it: I don't think you can read.

"Verbal cue" is not a thing, unless you mean passive agressive words, vague statements, or hand-wringing mush-mouthing.

Use your words, not your "verbal cues."