Mother's Day Failure

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it is clear from your post that you were already at the end of your rope with everything going on in your life before you guys stepped in to the store. He sounds like a normal teenager in that he was thinking about what he wanted at the store and not what his parents might like.

You are raw and you blew up, but this is on you and not about his behavior.

I think getting a new therapist or maybe taking some kind of antidepressant would be helpful. You also may get more targeted responses if you post this in the s/n forum.

I'm sorry you are going through all of this with your family now.

Well said, PP.

Agree, except you cannot lose sight of the fact that this is not a "normal" teenager. This is a teenager who is struggling with significant mental health issues. The stakes are much higher here. OP, I get why that makes it even scarier to you that you lost it and it had a negative affect on him, but the appropriate response is not to try to make it his fault. Acknowledge that you are in over your head and get more, or better, help.

(also, depression in teenagers often manifests as irritability. you taking him to a movie and then a store he likes doesn't automatically mean he is going to be capable of reciprocal behavior.)

[Anonymous]

OP, gift-giving occasions have generally been a series of trainwrecks in my household, really from the time my now teen DD could talk. We've had snits, arguments, tantrums, you name it. I tried asking for no presents, just experiences. The trouble is, my DD loves giving presents--she gets just as revved up about that as receiving them. I am (slowly) realizing that everyone involved in a celebratory day--both the givers and givees--needs to have a voice in how the celebration goes. I don't like gifts and fuss, but I can tolerate them, even enjoy the loving spirit in which they are given, if I know that 1) the gifts are small and 2) the gifts are given on the special day at a time/place that we all agree upon.

As others have said, I think the lack of prep tripped you all up here. Spontaneity just doesn't work for some of us (adults AND kids), even if an extra stop (while we are here at the mall) seems like a small thing to ask.

When expectations are clear, everyone benefits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, gift-giving occasions have generally been a series of trainwrecks in my household, really from the time my now teen DD could talk. We've had snits, arguments, tantrums, you name it. I tried asking for no presents, just experiences. The trouble is, my DD loves giving presents--she gets just as revved up about that as receiving them. I am (slowly) realizing that everyone involved in a celebratory day--both the givers and givees--needs to have a voice in how the celebration goes. I don't like gifts and fuss, but I can tolerate them, even enjoy the loving spirit in which they are given, if I know that 1) the gifts are small and 2) the gifts are given on the special day at a time/place that we all agree upon.

As others have said, I think the lack of prep tripped you all up here. Spontaneity just doesn't work for some of us (adults AND kids), even if an extra stop (while we are here at the mall) seems like a small thing to ask.

When expectations are clear, everyone benefits.

Wow, I love how you put this! I am a lot like you in that I don't like gifts for me or a big fuss but I've learned to accept it because it means a lot to the givers. It was a hard lesson to learn and sometimes I still get awkward about it because it makes me uncomfortable. I have to learn to accept it. Thank you for verbalizing what I feel!

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. 363 days of the year you sacrifice and focus on what everyone else needs. It would be nice to have a day (Mother's Day/birthday), a few hours, or minutes where your needs have some kind of priority.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it is clear from your post that you were already at the end of your rope with everything going on in your life before you guys stepped in to the store. He sounds like a normal teenager in that he was thinking about what he wanted at the store and not what his parents might like.

You are raw and you blew up, but this is on you and not about his behavior.

I think getting a new therapist or maybe taking some kind of antidepressant would be helpful. You also may get more targeted responses if you post this in the s/n forum.

I'm sorry you are going through all of this with your family now.

Well said, PP.

Agree, except you cannot lose sight of the fact that this is not a "normal" teenager. This is a teenager who is struggling with significant mental health issues. The stakes are much higher here. OP, I get why that makes it even scarier to you that you lost it and it had a negative affect on him, but the appropriate response is not to try to make it his fault. Acknowledge that you are in over your head and get more, or better, help.

(also, depression in teenagers often manifests as irritability. you taking him to a movie and then a store he likes doesn't automatically mean he is going to be capable of reciprocal behavior.)

This is an excellent point. I wrote that above and you are absolutely right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think they were out shopping and he complained when she was browsing at a store he wasn't interested in.

Which teen boy wants to go shopping with his mother? A few of them are truly decent humans and don't complain much, but most do and that's normal. Remind them of their manners and keep on doing exactly what you wanted to do.

My teen boys usually go off together to look in the stores that they want to look in while I pop into Bath and Body Works and Sephora. They have pretty much zero interest in those stores and tbh I have little interest in some of the stores that they like.

Op, I think that your son's lack of interest in "your" store is fairly typical, BUT, he should not have been rude, pouty or impatient towards you. That wasn't right of him and you called him out for it.

Hope things get better. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Dear OP - I have many similarities - kids with significant special needs, a DH who is not the best at celebrating or thinking of others. It’s stressful on a good day, and on a holiday, it’s like the volume is cranked up even higher. I have come to the realization that I need to do the things I want for myself. I bought myself flowers and a gift I have been eyeing on Etsy. I got up early and had coffee and breakfast before anyone else got up. I ordered pizza for dinner. Those were my essential elements - flowers, a little solitude, a gift and no cooking. Yeah - it would be nice if someone else orchestrated all that, but it’s not going to happen (at least right now) so I just decided to do it for myself. I also stay off Facebook so I’m not comparing my day to everyone else’s.

Hang in there, OP. You are a good mom and work hard. You deserve a happy Mother’s Day.

[Anonymous]

You’re tapped out. I’ve been there. Similar situation. You need to be clear with everyone what you need and when you need help or just time away. I also strongly recommend your own therapist or coach. Teens are tough and teens with mental health concerns are beyond exhausting. Take care of yourself and don’t rely on their actions or behavior one way or the other to determine how you feel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think they were out shopping and he complained when she was browsing at a store he wasn't interested in.

Which teen boy wants to go shopping with his mother? A few of them are truly decent humans and don't complain much, but most do and that's normal. Remind them of their manners and keep on doing exactly what you wanted to do.

Mine certainly did not. So I went out with to lunch and window shopping my mom. We each bought something small for each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So … you call him "thing two," you are in a family that is not big on holidays (because that's what you modeled so that's what your children learned), you drag your son into a store and then YOU become disgruntled because he doesn't fawn over something you like, and then you lost it with him … and now you're acting like everyone is against you? Lady, you've got some problems and those problems aren't your kid.

+1 you lost it for no reason, so then your son then also lost it for no reason.

You need to go apologize for your outburst. No wonder your son got upset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So … you call him "thing two," you are in a family that is not big on holidays (because that's what you modeled so that's what your children learned), you drag your son into a store and then YOU become disgruntled because he doesn't fawn over something you like, and then you lost it with him … and now you're acting like everyone is against you? Lady, you've got some problems and those problems aren't your kid.

+1 you lost it for no reason, so then your son then also lost it for no reason.

You need to go apologize for your outburst. No wonder your son got upset.

+1 for both of these responses but the "thing two" really bothers me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So … you call him "thing two," you are in a family that is not big on holidays (because that's what you modeled so that's what your children learned), you drag your son into a store and then YOU become disgruntled because he doesn't fawn over something you like, and then you lost it with him … and now you're acting like everyone is against you? Lady, you've got some problems and those problems aren't your kid.

+1 you lost it for no reason, so then your son then also lost it for no reason.

You need to go apologize for your outburst. No wonder your son got upset.

+1 for both of these responses but the "thing two" really bothers me.

Please take a pill regarding the “Thing 2” comment. It’s a reference to “The Cat in the Hat.” Growing up, my siblings and I loved it when our dad read that to us. He would lovingly refer to us as “Thing 1, Thing 2...” (I am the oldest of 6.) We’re all adults now, and he will still say it from time to time. No one takes offense. It’s a term of endearment. I didn’t take any offense reading it when OP wrote it.

[Anonymous]

I can relate, OP. My heart goes out to you. When I was growing up, breakfast in bed for mom was the expectation (who knows why--messy and difficult if you have to climb stairs with a tray). We let Mom sleep in, we thought, but she was waiting for breakfast and getting hungrier and hungrier. She said she called us but we didn't hear. Anyway, she was in tears when she finally emerged from the bedroom, and we were upset because we'd made breakfast for her. Years later, this is still not funny. But we changed the tradition so she slept as late (or as early) as she wants and we made her breakfast, which I'm sure was inedible.

With my teen, who sounds a lot like yours, I make my expectations very clear: I want her to clean her room, which she does (on the day of Mother's Day). No dishes in the sink. And a meal out together, with no phones. Flowers on the table (this year they picked them from our garden, on the day of.) I bought myself some earrings. I used to ask for a home-made card, but the cards were so crappy ("Happy moms day love us") that I ask for store-bought now.

To a certain extent, even at this age, things depend on your spouse or a relative or friend to take over. My husband's mother (raised in poverty in wartime) thought Mother's Day was for lousy mothers who needed validation, and banned the celebration. So he didn't grow up with it. I've had to teach him ("We are going out to this restaurant--I made reservations. Thanks for picking up the check!")

Courage, OP. A lot of us are in the same boat. Yes, there are neighbors whose children mimic idyllic children on TV commercials, and others who do more, or do it with more class. I've also cried on Mother's Day (at my husband). To get ahead of the curve: On Father's Day, we just make crappy cards and bake a cake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So … you call him "thing two," you are in a family that is not big on holidays (because that's what you modeled so that's what your children learned), you drag your son into a store and then YOU become disgruntled because he doesn't fawn over something you like, and then you lost it with him … and now you're acting like everyone is against you? Lady, you've got some problems and those problems aren't your kid.

+1 you lost it for no reason, so then your son then also lost it for no reason.

You need to go apologize for your outburst. No wonder your son got upset.

+1 for both of these responses but the "thing two" really bothers me.

Please take a pill regarding the “Thing 2” comment. It’s a reference to “The Cat in the Hat.” Growing up, my siblings and I loved it when our dad read that to us. He would lovingly refer to us as “Thing 1, Thing 2...” (I am the oldest of 6.) We’re all adults now, and he will still say it from time to time. No one takes offense. It’s a term of endearment. I didn’t take any offense reading it when OP wrote it.

Just b/c it didn't offend you doesn't mean it wasn't offensive. And it's not a "term or endearment" to most people based on the reaction it got on this post.

[Anonymous]

My teens have 2 moms (always have...for the past 15y.) I reminded them last week to make a card for my wife for Mother's Day. They did. I assumed they would remember they have 2 moms (we don't celebrate the other parent on an alternative day) and do a card for me. No. "Oh. I forgot."

And then my kid pouted all Mothers' Day because he wanted to stay home and play video games and we *gasp* made him go out to lunch after we stood in the rain at his soccer game (and yes, after he went home to shower and get warm.)

Kids can be jerks.