Short vent about straight people trying to be nice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents do this with minorities too. For instance I overheard them talking to my best friend about Asian movies and bringing up any Asian things they know. I've talked to my parents about this and they don't realize they're doing it. They're educated too.

I'm sorry!

Yes. White person: Oh I have an Asian woman in my office, you should meet her (at a professional conference). My sister adopted children from
China, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah- you just can’t win. Say nothing- your silently judging. Say something- you are over generalizing/patronizing. Socializing is impossible these days. Folks have a
Narrow idea of what is acceptable these days- & anything else is offensive. We all need to stop taking ourselves so seriously.

Straight when man here. Just be normal! Say what you would normally say to anyone. If a guy mentions his wife, do you say - oh, I know another guy who is married? No, because it’s silly. I’m straight but I’m also AA so I know what OP is talking about. It happens less now and I do recognize that the intentions are good, but you don’t have to tell me about your black friend.

Yes, making connections IS normal. If someone says they were both in the Midwest, I might mention that I was too. If someone says they love college football- I’ll ask/talk about football. If we have normalized sexual orientation/ then it’s normal. You can’t have it both ways.

So when you meet a married straight person, you say to them, " You're a married straight person? I know another married straight person!" This is literally the opposite of treating same sex couples as normal.

[Anonymous]

I understand why it can be annoying. You want to be seen as normal. But to be frankly honest, you're not quite "normal." That's what my gay brother admitted (who had the same complaint). He's gay, he's unusual by default. He knows people are trying to be kind when the end result is that it only makes him more self-conscious. But he's happy people are trying to be nice and making an effort. So he doesn't make a big deal of it.

It's a lot better then people hating you and wanting to prosecute you for your sexuality. In other words, a major step forward. And in due time it'll mean nothing whatsoever and we're close to that point.

[Anonymous]

I'm from the former USSR and I used to get this a lot: "Russia? Oh, my sister's college roommate's uncle has been to Moscow!" And what do you say to that???

I wonder if people blurt this out because their initial assessment of you (as straight) turned out to be wrong, and they are momentarily confused?

But yeah, mostly it's annoying, and a lesbian married couple isn't particularly rare in DC (though, to be honest, I don't personally know a couple like that).

[Anonymous]

In my industry, I work with a statistically high number of LBTQIA folks.

I've tried very hard, over the years, to not be THAT GUY: the one who says "Oh, my aunt's gay, too!" or mentions the latest book or movie with a gay character. It did take effort at first because I was the usual inexperienced clumsy dumb straight cis/het lady. But generally, I just didn't ask any intrusive questions of gay co-workers because I'd never ask them of straight co-workers.

I like to think the effort to behave decently has brought me a lot of good friendships (and work success) and has helped me become a better person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand why it can be annoying. You want to be seen as normal. But to be frankly honest, you're not quite "normal." That's what my gay brother admitted (who had the same complaint). He's gay, he's unusual by default. He knows people are trying to be kind when the end result is that it only makes him more self-conscious. But he's happy people are trying to be nice and making an effort. So he doesn't make a big deal of it.

It's a lot better then people hating you and wanting to prosecute you for your sexuality. In other words, a major step forward. And in due time it'll mean nothing whatsoever and we're close to that point.

I'm sorry. OP's as "normal" as you are. So is your brother, for that matter.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like the people you've interacted with have had little to no exposure to gay people. It happens. I hope meeting you is one step up from well meaning to educated/experienced for them since it sounds like there's nothing but awkwardness preventing them from being LGBTQ allies.

[Anonymous]

They are nervous and uncomfortable, OP. They desperately want to say the right thing. My youngest (DS18) is gay. Out since he was 14. I get the same type of responses. I try to assume good intentions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fellow lesbian mom here. When I started my current job 10y ago, every co-worker told me about their lesbian sister or daughter (6 of them in total.)

Best was talking to a new employee recently and I said something along the lines of "I need to leave early today, my wife is dropping the kids off at soccer practice, but I need to pick them up." And she replies, "Oooooohhhhh...Did you watch Orange is the New Black? I love that show!" Yes, I did...and no, my life is nothing like that.

Lol, mine isn't either.

[Anonymous]

It’s annoying but it beats shock and cold silence.

[Anonymous]

I get what you're saying, OP. It's a way for awkward people without a lot of exposure to LGBT folks to let you know that they are supportive. It's annoying and they are "othering" you, even if it's well-intended.

My best friend since puberty is a gay man (we're about 40 now). I am a straight female. On occasion, I'll mention to someone (another straight female) that my BFF and his hubby visited over the weekend, and I will get an "OMG, I wish I had a gay best friend too!" response. Um, he's a person, not an accessory, and whatever it is you're envisioning is probably not happening during those visits - Queer Eye and Will and Grace are just TV shows. Cut that nonsense out, please.

[Anonymous]

I'm Canadian.
I get asked if I know Bill from Vancouver. (Example)
Oh... BILL! Yeah we just had drinks last week.

Op, try responding with "Really?? I think I know her too!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm Canadian.
I get asked if I know Bill from Vancouver. (Example)
Oh... BILL! Yeah we just had drinks last week.

Op, try responding with "Really?? I think I know her too!"

Same poster here. I just clued in that my response is along those same lines.

Sorry, OP.

I'm not sure why people can't just carry on with the conversation.

So what if they know a friend of a friend who is also a lesbian? What do you respond with... "Good for you"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like the people you've interacted with have had little to no exposure to gay people. It happens. I hope meeting you is one step up from well meaning to educated/experienced for them since it sounds like there's nothing but awkwardness preventing them from being LGBTQ allies.

I love this sentiment. I think I've gotten to an age where I am less interested in righteousness and more interested in being practical and productive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah- you just can’t win. Say nothing- your silently judging. Say something- you are over generalizing/patronizing. Socializing is impossible these days. Folks have a
Narrow idea of what is acceptable these days- & anything else is offensive. We all need to stop taking ourselves so seriously.

Straight when man here. Just be normal! Say what you would normally say to anyone. If a guy mentions his wife, do you say - oh, I know another guy who is married? No, because it’s silly. I’m straight but I’m also AA so I know what OP is talking about. It happens less now and I do recognize that the intentions are good, but you don’t have to tell me about your black friend.

This is what I was thinking of too, and the Asian comments from white people. My parents are like that. My dad had a black coworker he didn’t socialize with, probably 30 years ago, and he still talks about his “black friend” when race comes up. I had a close friend in college who was originally from Thailand. When I mentioned her to my mom one day, my mom started telling me about someone she knows who has a Thai secretary. She actually said, “maybe I should ask what her name is. I wonder if they know each other.” I pointed out that there are more than 10 people in Thailand so there’s a chance that a 19 year old college student and a 40something office worker who moved to different parts of the US at different times haven’t met. She sort of understood the point I was making but said she was just trying to help and be nice, which was also condescending, as though everyone she determines is “other” needs help from a middle aged white woman. I can’t remember who she was trying to educate/save/connect with but one time I took her aside and told her to stop because she’s not Sandy B and this isn’t the blind side.

It’s normal to want to connect with people, but it’s socially awkward to say what people are saying to OP. I have a trans son. When I tell people, most are cool, but I sometimes get comments about how they love the show I am Jazz. They seem shocked when I say I’ve never seen it, as if somehow that makes me less supportive of my son. One person even made a reference to Boys Don’t Cry. I swear it was like I could see things click into place in their head after they said that. They followed up with “oh wait, didn’t she, he, I mean Hillary Swank’s character die at the end? I hope nothing bad happens to your son.” Really? Thanks. I hope you don’t die in a fiery car crash on your way home from dinner too.