Short vent about straight people trying to be nice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Married lesbian here. I am so tired of well-intentioned people who discover I’m a lesbian and want to tell me about the one lesbian they know, or about the movie that they saw 10 years ago that had a lesbian in it.

Tell them they know two lesbians.

[Anonymous]

Fellow lesbian mom here. When I started my current job 10y ago, every co-worker told me about their lesbian sister or daughter (6 of them in total.)

Best was talking to a new employee recently and I said something along the lines of "I need to leave early today, my wife is dropping the kids off at soccer practice, but I need to pick them up." And she replies, "Oooooohhhhh...Did you watch Orange is the New Black? I love that show!" Yes, I did...and no, my life is nothing like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah- you just can’t win. Say nothing- your silently judging. Say something- you are over generalizing/patronizing. Socializing is impossible these days. Folks have a
Narrow idea of what is acceptable these days- & anything else is offensive. We all need to stop taking ourselves so seriously.

Straight when man here. Just be normal! Say what you would normally say to anyone. If a guy mentions his wife, do you say - oh, I know another guy who is married? No, because it’s silly. I’m straight but I’m also AA so I know what OP is talking about. It happens less now and I do recognize that the intentions are good, but you don’t have to tell me about your black friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same thing happens to me when I tell people we are UU. I think it is a way for people to try to connect.

Unitarian Universalist?

Seriously??!?! WTH is UU? It's so hard to keep up these days.

Straight person here... I would like to request that "straights" not get viciously verbally attacked when they aren't super knowledgable about they/them. A kid I've known forever came out as gay in 5th grade (now in college). They recently declared that they are non-binary, gender queer. A lot people aren't clear on what they means re: addressing people, etc... Someone in the group made reference to he and they freaked out. The people in the group were not ignorant by any stretch and have no strong opinions on gender identity or anything related to it. They should have just simply explained how they/them is preferred and the reasons for it.

I get that it can be exhausting to constantly explain and redefine what all of that means for people outside of the community but education is what's needed if a real shift is going to happen. Don't attack. Educate.

FTR... OP, if you think that people are going to stop talking about their one lesbian friend when you mention your wife, fuhgettaboutit. I hear stories about the one Black friend or the one friend of color. The Black joke. The sudden change in diction and proper english. Meanwhile, I'm staring like... are you serious right now?? Anywho... my point is... trying to get a majority to understand what's different about the minority is an uphill battle. You will constantly be frustrated if things like that continue to annoy you. There is a new letter added to the LGBTQIA suite of acronyms every week. People are still getting used to Black people and gay people... it will take awhile to catch up to all of the other letters and no amount of beating straight, pure white WASPS will change that.

[Anonymous]

Ugh. My DH is from India and when they first met him, many, many relatives from my father’s side told him first thing how they’d seen —and, importantly liked — “Gandhi.” Huh?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same thing happens to me when I tell people we are UU. I think it is a way for people to try to connect.

Unitarian Universalist?

Seriously??!?! WTH is UU? It's so hard to keep up these days.

Straight person here... I would like to request that "straights" not get viciously verbally attacked when they aren't super knowledgable about they/them. A kid I've known forever came out as gay in 5th grade (now in college). They recently declared that they are non-binary, gender queer. A lot people aren't clear on what they means re: addressing people, etc... Someone in the group made reference to he and they freaked out. The people in the group were not ignorant by any stretch and have no strong opinions on gender identity or anything related to it. They should have just simply explained how they/them is preferred and the reasons for it.

I get that it can be exhausting to constantly explain and redefine what all of that means for people outside of the community but education is what's needed if a real shift is going to happen. Don't attack. Educate.

FTR... OP, if you think that people are going to stop talking about their one lesbian friend when you mention your wife, fuhgettaboutit. I hear stories about the one Black friend or the one friend of color. The Black joke. The sudden change in diction and proper english. Meanwhile, I'm staring like... are you serious right now?? Anywho... my point is... trying to get a majority to understand what's different about the minority is an uphill battle. You will constantly be frustrated if things like that continue to annoy you. There is a new letter added to the LGBTQIA suite of acronyms every week. People are still getting used to Black people and gay people... it will take awhile to catch up to all of the other letters and no amount of beating straight, pure white WASPS over the head with explanations will change that.

Forgot a whole slew of words there...

[Anonymous]

That happens with any topic that is different from them - step/blended families, health issues, delays or sn for kids, etc. It is absolutely annoying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah- you just can’t win. Say nothing- your silently judging. Say something- you are over generalizing/patronizing. Socializing is impossible these days. Folks have a
Narrow idea of what is acceptable these days- & anything else is offensive. We all need to stop taking ourselves so seriously.

Straight when man here. Just be normal! Say what you would normally say to anyone. If a guy mentions his wife, do you say - oh, I know another guy who is married? No, because it’s silly. I’m straight but I’m also AA so I know what OP is talking about. It happens less now and I do recognize that the intentions are good, but you don’t have to tell me about your black friend.

Yes, making connections IS normal. If someone says they were both in the Midwest, I might mention that I was too. If someone says they love college football- I’ll ask/talk about football. If we have normalized sexual orientation/ then it’s normal. You can’t have it both ways.

[Anonymous]

Small talk is small talk.

[Anonymous]

People are saying one thing to cover up thinking another.

[Anonymous]

My parents do this with minorities too. For instance I overheard them talking to my best friend about Asian movies and bringing up any Asian things they know. I've talked to my parents about this and they don't realize they're doing it. They're educated too.

I'm sorry!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Married lesbian here. I am so tired of well-intentioned people who discover I’m a lesbian and want to tell me about the one lesbian they know, or about the movie that they saw 10 years ago that had a lesbian in it.

Both things happened yet again this evening, at a professional networking event where all of the attendees have advanced degrees (so no claims or being unsophisticated in the usual sense). It comes up when people start talking about kids and spouses and I mention my own wife. My sexual orientation is otherwise irrelevant to my work life but I’m not willing to pretend I’m straight or stay silent when everyone else is talking about their families.

Rather than telling me about that one lesbian they know or the one movie they’ve seen, I wish that people would (1) ask about my wife just like they’d ask about anyone’s else’s wife (profession, hobbies, etc) or (2) say nothing at all.

Bizarrely, the most repetitive comments come from straight women. Guys almost always keep rolling and say they have a wife too, or else say nothing at all.

No need to criticize, this is just my complaint to the universe!

DP If I am talking to a male co-worker who is straight/married I would never ask about the wife and her hobbies! Especially if I never see her. The person is trying to bond with you and probably doesn't care about your wife. Granted it is awkward but, gay marriage is relatively new and I assume things will change once its been a social norm for longer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gay Mom here too. This happens in other situations too. I am from a European country and as soon as I open my mouth people feel the need to tell me how they spent a semester there in College, lived there for a year or have some random family member there. I don't care but I know they are just trying to be friendly.

This.

Yup this. It's all about connecting with some random fact they know about you.

My DH is Mexican. I have one awkward coworker who has asked me repeatedly if I've seen "Man on Fire" because it took place in Mexico. It's like his one connection to Mexico and he really harps on it. But he's just clueless and trying to connect with something. I just keep the conversation moving somewhere else.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I’m a DC lawyer and was at a bar association event last night when I got the comments so yes, it happens here too

I know I am inadvertently guilty of doing this to other people too (to people from other places, etc) especially when I am feeling awkward, so I get it. Just amused that ieveryone always mentions friends or the same three movies that everyone always mentions!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Married lesbian here. I am so tired of well-intentioned people who discover I’m a lesbian and want to tell me about the one lesbian they know, or about the movie that they saw 10 years ago that had a lesbian in it.

Tell them they know two lesbians.

+1 and their next story will be how they met a lesbian with a sense of humor