how to help mentally ill brother, his wife who is sick of it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would fly to CA. Ask your brother to schedule an appointment with the doctor so the 3 of you can sit down and talk face to face. Ask to speak with the doctor alone too, if necessary. Forget about his family issues, his mental health should be the focus.

From one of the pro-boundaries PPs, do NOT do this. It establishes a terrible precedent. Moreover, you can't speak to the doctor alone about your adult brother's health issues, in that the doctor won't disclose anything unless your brother signs a disclosure form. You don't even necessarily want him to do that; he's a reasonably functional adult, not someone over whom you have guardianship. If anyone should take him to this appointment, it's his wife.

Hold. Those. Boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would fly to CA. Ask your brother to schedule an appointment with the doctor so the 3 of you can sit down and talk face to face. Ask to speak with the doctor alone too, if necessary. Forget about his family issues, his mental health should be the focus.

From one of the pro-boundaries PPs, do NOT do this. It establishes a terrible precedent. Moreover, you can't speak to the doctor alone about your adult brother's health issues, in that the doctor won't disclose anything unless your brother signs a disclosure form. You don't even necessarily want him to do that; he's a reasonably functional adult, not someone over whom you have guardianship. If anyone should take him to this appointment, it's his wife.

Hold. Those. Boundaries.

You speak as someone who has never dealt with mental health issues. It is scary and isolating for the patient. Risk of suicide is real. OP’s brother has reached out to her for hell. It is not the time for boundaries. It is time to help him get a diagnosis and meds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would fly to CA. Ask your brother to schedule an appointment with the doctor so the 3 of you can sit down and talk face to face. Ask to speak with the doctor alone too, if necessary. Forget about his family issues, his mental health should be the focus.

From one of the pro-boundaries PPs, do NOT do this. It establishes a terrible precedent. Moreover, you can't speak to the doctor alone about your adult brother's health issues, in that the doctor won't disclose anything unless your brother signs a disclosure form. You don't even necessarily want him to do that; he's a reasonably functional adult, not someone over whom you have guardianship. If anyone should take him to this appointment, it's his wife.

Hold. Those. Boundaries.

You speak as someone who has never dealt with mental health issues. It is scary and isolating for the patient. Risk of suicide is real. OP’s brother has reached out to her for hell. It is not the time for boundaries. It is time to help him get a diagnosis and meds.

Speaking as someone who has had a suicidal adult spouse, PP is 100% correct about what the doctor will and will not do, and also about what OP can reasonably do and sustain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would fly to CA. Ask your brother to schedule an appointment with the doctor so the 3 of you can sit down and talk face to face. Ask to speak with the doctor alone too, if necessary. Forget about his family issues, his mental health should be the focus.

From one of the pro-boundaries PPs, do NOT do this. It establishes a terrible precedent. Moreover, you can't speak to the doctor alone about your adult brother's health issues, in that the doctor won't disclose anything unless your brother signs a disclosure form. You don't even necessarily want him to do that; he's a reasonably functional adult, not someone over whom you have guardianship. If anyone should take him to this appointment, it's his wife.

Hold. Those. Boundaries.

You speak as someone who has never dealt with mental health issues. It is scary and isolating for the patient. Risk of suicide is real. OP’s brother has reached out to her for hell. It is not the time for boundaries. It is time to help him get a diagnosis and meds.

You speak as someone with literally zero knowledge of who I am IRL.

OP can provide help, but not to the extent you suggest. His WIFE is the family member to help him here, not his sibling. Also, the brother has a diagnosis and meds. The OP can provide help, but doing so to this extent sets the precedent that the OP will drop literally everything and place sibling above nuclear family. The OP flying in isn't going to prevent suicide, either (and for you to imply that indicates you have very little knowledge of the actual risk factors for suicide).

[Anonymous]

IVe not read all of this, but I am sorry about he circumstance.

Speak to your own children about family dynamics so they can grow into healthier relatio!

[Anonymous]

Sounds like brother took one for the team and worked stressful jobs so he could support your SIL’a (kind of bs) low-paying job. It’s her turn to step up and get a real job or agree to figure out cheaper way to live. Sounds like she was using him and has no interest now that he’s not bringing in the big bucks. She needs to step up. This should be what marriage is about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like brother took one for the team and worked stressful jobs so he could support your SIL’a (kind of bs) low-paying job. It’s her turn to step up and get a real job or agree to figure out cheaper way to live. Sounds like she was using him and has no interest now that he’s not bringing in the big bucks. She needs to step up. This should be what marriage is about.

Kind of sounds this way to me too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like brother took one for the team and worked stressful jobs so he could support your SIL’a (kind of bs) low-paying job. It’s her turn to step up and get a real job or agree to figure out cheaper way to live. Sounds like she was using him and has no interest now that he’s not bringing in the big bucks. She needs to step up. This should be what marriage is about.

Kind of sounds this way to me too.

Yep. That’s what I tried to say a few pages back. Someone doesn’t need meds if there’s someone else making their life hell.

[Anonymous]

OP again, SIL has now kicked him out of home. She has lots of family in the area, he doesn't have anyone really besides handful of friends he hasn't known that long (they just moved there 2.5 years ago).

I told him I do not think that is legal if there is no threat to her (she has told me there has been no violence) -- but he says he isn't really sure what options are -- fight it and have her family show up in mass to kick him out? He stayed in hotel last night.

SIL messaged me again today saying she suspects addiction -- bro has asked me 1) not to talk to her and 2) to keep some things in confidence from our parents. Since our parents will ultimately be on the hook for this financial mess, I have shared with them SIL's addiction concerns because if they are accurate, he obviously needs help and i don't want them just cutting checks that turn into blow or opioids or whatever.

If they need/choose to pay for a treatment program, then fine -- but money shouldn't be wasted in short-term.

We found a local outpatient place that will take his insurance but no clue if it is crappy or not. He says he is getting drug-tested now (which will be needed to prove fit parent in any case) and will go to intake for program afterward.

[Anonymous]

SIL can’t kick him out of his own house. He need to return ASAP

Why are you parents on the hook financially??

[Anonymous]

OP here, 1556 -- I kind of agree but what then? grandstand and say come and make me leave? She has her parents in town and aunt/uncle 3 blocks away.

She says she doesn't think its healthy for her and their son to have him in the home ... she was fine with it when he served as primary caregiver until she also lost her job two weeks ago basically.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again, SIL has now kicked him out of home. She has lots of family in the area, he doesn't have anyone really besides handful of friends he hasn't known that long (they just moved there 2.5 years ago).

I told him I do not think that is legal if there is no threat to her (she has told me there has been no violence) -- but he says he isn't really sure what options are -- fight it and have her family show up in mass to kick him out? He stayed in hotel last night.

SIL messaged me again today saying she suspects addiction -- bro has asked me 1) not to talk to her and 2) to keep some things in confidence from our parents. Since our parents will ultimately be on the hook for this financial mess, I have shared with them SIL's addiction concerns because if they are accurate, he obviously needs help and i don't want them just cutting checks that turn into blow or opioids or whatever.

If they need/choose to pay for a treatment program, then fine -- but money shouldn't be wasted in short-term.

We found a local outpatient place that will take his insurance but no clue if it is crappy or not. He says he is getting drug-tested now (which will be needed to prove fit parent in any case) and will go to intake for program afterward.

So he admits that he's an addict? Why won't he just tell you the real deal and tell you the exact situation, if he seriously expects you to be on his side and not talk to the wife?

[Anonymous]

1617 the outpatient program is for mental health issues, not addiction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like brother took one for the team and worked stressful jobs so he could support your SIL’a (kind of bs) low-paying job. It’s her turn to step up and get a real job or agree to figure out cheaper way to live. Sounds like she was using him and has no interest now that he’s not bringing in the big bucks. She needs to step up. This should be what marriage is about.

Kind of sounds this way to me too.

NP
yup

[Anonymous]

I think this thread shows the stigma of mental illness. Telling OP not to offer to help, to not offer support, to say out of it, to not engage, to not get involved in any way.

Listen to the poster who suggested contacting NAMI - they are much better suited to connect you to services and to help you navigate this than a board of people who are acting like mental illness is a horrible character flaw.

Any serious illness can be very difficult on a couple and it isn't strange or a lack of effort or poor character that are the reasons why SIL or brother are struggling. Mental illness (especially with no family support) is really, really hard on families, couples and individuals. You don't just man up and get over it.

The main priority should be getting brother a proper thorough assessment / diagnosis and getting into the treatment program that is best for his condition to figure out how to best manage / treat whatever he has. If your parents can help financially, it can go directly to treatment.

Selling the house in the middle of a mental health crisis would not be a good idea. Nor would taking the child out of stable child care.

OP please contact NAMI or other mental health for family resources in your area.

I also have a brother with mental illness. He is now properly treated and is employed in a stable low stress, still married and a great dad - although it wasn't always that way. We stuck by him through it all, just like we did when my sister had cancer. He still needs to live life in a way that allows him to manage his illness and we support him in that. Remember your brother didn't choose to have a mental illness and isn't just being a difficult, weak person