Separating with a baby

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tough situation, OP.

My ex and I split up when I was pregnant. It was hard (and still is hard) having two households, but I do think it was best for her that she never had an "unbroken" home to compare to her current situation. Her reality is that she's always lived in two households. It's all she knows. I feel like there's something to be said for that.

Financially it can be a pain. It stresses me out sometimes that we have less money because we have to have two households. Logistically it can be difficult, making sure she has everything she needs at the right house on any given day. But we make it work.

Good luck.

I found both of these things stressful when I separated with little kids. But, honestly, neither one of them was one-tenth as stressful as living with someone who was substance abusing. It was a huge relief when we split up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- he is refusing to get treatment for his depression and using drugs to cope, including allowing drugs around our infant. I don't really know how else to get through to him. FWIW we are UMC, he is a big law partner. I don't think anyone would suspect so it's hard carrying this secret.

Crap - that's bad - are you in individual therapy? If not, you need it STAT - probably no time for al-anon, but would be good for you too. I'd also go straight to my parents house with the baby if you have that support system in place. Your priority has to be safety of the baby -

+1 to all of this. I know if this was me I would desperately want to keep this a secret, but that might not be the right thing to do. Talk to a counselor.

And I d probably be headed to my parents house in this situation.

I will say this - it’s one thing if he wants to get better, even if it’s in a month or two. If not, then initiate separation. My situation is nowhere near comparable, but I know the exact moment when I wish I had left some 10 years ago. I kept telling myself it was ok, not that bad, etc. We got it together enough to have a second kid, but the last few years have been really, really rough. But now we’d be breaking up a mature family unit instead of a toddler not really remembering their parents living together.

Reading something like this also might help you: https://www.nytimes.com/2017/07/15/business/lawyers-addiction-mental-health.html

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did at a year. Baby stayed with me and ex-husband moved to a studio nearby and saw our child every day. They started doing overnights when the child was two.

You sound really selfish to only allow supervised visits at your home until age two.

She never said visits were at her home and supervised. ... and you have no idea why they divorced or what they wanted in the arrangement.

[Anonymous]

We began an in house separation when the baby was about 14 months. Baby and I moved out when she was 2. I got sole custody with visitation at my discretion. She doesn’t remember any of the fighting and bad times from being younger and they have a good relationship now, but it’s because I try to encourage it. I’m glad I did it when she was young, though it was very difficult to raise her during those intense years alone. Family support and financial independence helped.

[Anonymous]

Document all drug use. You'll need it so DH doesn't get unsupervised visitation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- he is refusing to get treatment for his depression and using drugs to cope, including allowing drugs around our infant. I don't really know how else to get through to him. FWIW we are UMC, he is a big law partner. I don't think anyone would suspect so it's hard carrying this secret.

Op get out. I was you 4.5 years ago. STBXH is a big partner in a law firm. At the time I didn’t have proof but he had a depression, using drugs, alcohol abuse and infidelity. Refused therapy. I went for myself. 3 counsellors told me get out now. While the baby is little and won’t know any different. He had near to zero contact or connection to the baby out of his own choice at the time. Marriage and parenting was hell with him. He never did anything with the baby not even the fun bits like bathing or playing.
Now I’m one month separated. Guess why. He’s a bigger partner than before. I busted him for drugs, substances a two-year affair and hookers. He has a major depression and still refuses therapy.
Know what’s different: Our 5 yo has bonded to him, she is traumatized, she crys every night that daddy moved out, she has a mom that is trying to get her act together but is so tired and worn out by the last years.
Regarding the consequence of having a new wife co-parenting, if you have proof of drugs he’d have to be clean to take the baby.

[Anonymous]

Sending warm thoughts to you OP!

Since he is so far gone as to allow drugs around the baby, you have to get out now. Leaving probably seems really daunting right now, but it absolutely necessary. Hopefully, this will be enough for him to get treatment and get his act together. You can't count on that though, so prepare for the worst by documenting his drug use and finding a divorce lawyer.

I'm so sorry you have to go through all this! Please take care and be gentle with yourself!

[Anonymous]

If drugs are involved you leave.

[Anonymous]

Depression + relationship problems + substance abuse increases the risk of domestic violence.

[Anonymous]

"For better or for worse, In sickness and in health..."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"For better or for worse, In sickness and in health..."

Not everybody uses those words at their wedding. Nor do I think being a huge asshole is covered under that. In addition keeping one's child safe is more important that any wedding vows one took.

[Anonymous]

I am sure there is another side to the story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Document all drug use. You'll need it so DH doesn't get unsupervised visitation.

THIS. Document every way you can. Can someone please post for OP some ideas on how to document effectively that a spouse is using?

He will deny the drug use and he likely can get (and can afford) a very good lawyer to fight you on custody, visitation etc. He may try to claim you're fabricating the drug claim to try to trash him professionally, to try to get a better custody deal, etc. Even if you think now, "He would never do that to me," you need to be prepared for it in case he goes that route. If he realizes his job could be on the line and at the same time he thinks you can't prove drug use, he might dig in and fight you. You'll need a very tough lawyer. Try to find one with experience in cases where a spouse is using drugs/drinking and who knows how to use that in a custody dispute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"For better or for worse, In sickness and in health..."

Oh, for God’s sake; be quiet.

[Anonymous]

I filed for divorce the morning after giving birth. No regrets. The youngest has never known any different relationship between her dad and I. Waiting would have just meant breaking routines established with a baby.