Separating with a baby

[Anonymous]

Has anyone separated from their spouse during the first six months of baby's life? How did it go?

[Anonymous]

I did not, but I certainly wanted to divorce at that time. The first three years of having a child is the roughest time of the marriage. If you can get to those three years you can get through a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I did not, but I certainly wanted to divorce at that time. The first three years of having a child is the roughest time of the marriage. If you can get to those three years you can get through a lot.

This is generally true but not always. Sometimes it does not get better and it only gets worse and it’s harder to divorce and kids are older. In hindsight it would’ve been easier to leave when the kid was a baby. OP, really do some soul-searching to decide if the relationship is the problem or if it’s just the stress of the baby on the relationship. General the stress of having a baby does not get easier for a couple until the kid is about three years old. But on the other hand sometimes when you just know it’s not gonna work, you know.

[Anonymous]

I did at a year. Baby stayed with me and ex-husband moved to a studio nearby and saw our child every day. They started doing overnights when the child was two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I did not, but I certainly wanted to divorce at that time. The first three years of having a child is the roughest time of the marriage. If you can get to those three years you can get through a lot.

This is generally true but not always. Sometimes it does not get better and it only gets worse and it’s harder to divorce and kids are older. In hindsight it would’ve been easier to leave when the kid was a baby. OP, really do some soul-searching to decide if the relationship is the problem or if it’s just the stress of the baby on the relationship. General the stress of having a baby does not get easier for a couple until the kid is about three years old. But on the other hand sometimes when you just know it’s not gonna work, you know.

Acquaintance did - they got married a year out of college and were immature. Both are good people and it's sad they never really lived together as a couple raising a child and enjoying everything that goes with that.

[Anonymous]

Is he abusive? What’s going on, OP? Children really do need both parents, unless he’s a sick monster. I learned the hard way.

[Anonymous]

You should change the title “I married an ass and then had a baby with him. I am upset he is leaving me but I should be thrilled.”

[Anonymous]

Can you imagine that when he re-marries, your child will have a stepmother..can you handle that and not be the bitchy ex-wife?

[Anonymous]

Seek a peaceful life and make the best decision for you!

[Anonymous]

If there is no abuse, cheating or drug dependence hang in there. When a baby joins the life of a couple it is an earthquake on the relationships and a lot of adjustments/responsibilities/sleepless nights. I was were you are right now but I am very very happy that we stayed together until the storm passed and we finally got used to a new family routine. It will get better, I promise. A big hug.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If there is no abuse, cheating or drug dependence hang in there. When a baby joins the life of a couple it is an earthquake on the relationships and a lot of adjustments/responsibilities/sleepless nights. I was were you are right now but I am very very happy that we stayed together until the storm passed and we finally got used to a new family routine. It will get better, I promise. A big hug.

PP here: for most, it gets better. For some people it really never does (and gets worse) and it’s really better to leave earlier than later if it is truly not going to work and the OP knows and her got that it’s not just the baby.

Everyone told me things like: “Oh, it’s just the stress of the wedding,” “Oh, the first yeat of marriage is the hardest,” “Oh, it’s just the stress of the baby.” NO—it was never right to begin with!” I wish I had gone out when I had a baby instead of kids much older .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you imagine that when he re-marries, your child will have a stepmother..can you handle that and not be the bitchy ex-wife?

TOugh call OP. On one hand, having a baby really shows your true colors, yours and your spouses. That isn’t going to change. Sure babies are hard but so are high need kids and teenagers. Some folks just can’t cope and it’s not obvious until they have a kid. On the other hand, your spouse will likely remarry and the new wife will essentially be a mom to a kid this young. Are you ready for that.

[Anonymous]

I divorced when DS2 was 19 months and DD1 was 5 years old. In truth, I knew the marriage was over for sure when I was 6 months pregnant w/ #2, but for a variety of reasons (all of which were wrong), I thought I should stay until the baby was older.

In retrospect, I should have just left (or told my DH to leave) when I was 6 months pregnant. I had an absolutely toxic, stressful pregnancy and toddlerhood with DS 2. It would have been easier to be on my own, and I could have begun to re-build our lives two years earlier.

It also was much harder for DS1 to lose her dad when she was 5. It would have been easier at age 3. DS2 doesn't have any memories of his dad living in the house, and our separation has really been a lot easier for him because it is all he knows.

If you are sure about the divorce, I don't see any reason to wait. (If there's abuse, infidelity, alcoholism, or other things that are absolute marriage breakers.) On the other hand, if you are just both exhausted, can't agree how to parent, or you don't feel things are equal, you might want to work on it. In my case, there was no way to continue the marriage, and every extra second I spent in it was damaging to us all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did at a year. Baby stayed with me and ex-husband moved to a studio nearby and saw our child every day. They started doing overnights when the child was two.

You sound really selfish to only allow supervised visits at your home until age two.

[Anonymous]

Dealing with a newborn can rock a marriage to the core but a separation may bring also stress, financial struggles and will destroy your child family (think about future parenting with stepmom, divided households etc). Before throwing the towel try at least marriage counseling.