If you married someone you don't love, why did you do it? How did it end?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t want to lose myself in a relationship. Thought that if I was less into the guy I would be better able to maintain my independence & not cave. Also, as you can tell marriage just want a priority for me. So a nice, intelligent, friendly, responsible guy came along... & I figured, why not?
The marriage is boring- but functional. I invest very little into it.

Wow. Fascinating. What's your life like? Kids? Are you super into your job/hobbies/sport? If you care so little about relationships/marriage, then why get married at all? Is your spouse ok with this? (None of this is critical; just curious.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All those 30-year-olds who post on here bemoaning their singlehood should definitely read this thread! Don’t marry someone out of fear you’re getting old.

LOL 30 becomes 40 very quickly.

I'd rather be 40 and alone then stuck with 170lbs of baggage.

I don't think this thread is supporting that concept. Many posters saying they married the 'good enough' guy and are happy and fulfilled in their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t want to lose myself in a relationship. Thought that if I was less into the guy I would be better able to maintain my independence & not cave. Also, as you can tell marriage just want a priority for me. So a nice, intelligent, friendly, responsible guy came along... & I figured, why not?
The marriage is boring- but functional. I invest very little into it.

Wow. Fascinating. What's your life like? Kids? Are you super into your job/hobbies/sport? If you care so little about relationships/marriage, then why get married at all? Is your spouse ok with this? (None of this is critical; just curious.)

Our life is ok, I think. We have 1 kiddo (unplanned)!& we are good parents. No fighting- it’s like living with a sibling. I am a teacher and put a lot into my job, but I’m not a rain maker. I just really like freedom/independence. I like to travel alone, time for reading ect. I’ll also add that he doesn’t just sit around the house. He has soccer, a healthy group of friends ect. We do a lot of coordinating schedules, which I don’t think is different than love based relationships. We have FHE 2 nights a week. We do family things ect. He really wanted to get married. I was fine living together indefinitely. But he was pumped to get married. So I figured, why not? As we get older I think he longs for more of partnership vs. trade off marriage. So we will see how this plays out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My priest says that whenever he sits down with a couple and hears the words “soul mate” he knows that they are doomed/ idiots.

My DH is my soul mate and we have been married for almost 14 years with 3 kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t want to lose myself in a relationship. Thought that if I was less into the guy I would be better able to maintain my independence & not cave. Also, as you can tell marriage just want a priority for me. So a nice, intelligent, friendly, responsible guy came along... & I figured, why not?
The marriage is boring- but functional. I invest very little into it.

Wow. Fascinating. What's your life like? Kids? Are you super into your job/hobbies/sport? If you care so little about relationships/marriage, then why get married at all? Is your spouse ok with this? (None of this is critical; just curious.)

Our life is ok, I think. We have 1 kiddo (unplanned)!& we are good parents. No fighting- it’s like living with a sibling. I am a teacher and put a lot into my job, but I’m not a rain maker. I just really like freedom/independence. I like to travel alone, time for reading ect. I’ll also add that he doesn’t just sit around the house. He has soccer, a healthy group of friends ect. We do a lot of coordinating schedules, which I don’t think is different than love based relationships. We have FHE 2 nights a week. We do family things ect. He really wanted to get married. I was fine living together indefinitely. But he was pumped to get married. So I figured, why not? As we get older I think he longs for more of partnership vs. trade off marriage. So we will see how this plays out.

What is FHE?

[Anonymous]

Family home evenings. 2 nights a week- no phones/tech. The 3 of us take turns planning it. Board games, pool trips, baking ect. Nothing crazy

[Anonymous]

DH and I married after several years of dating (met in late 20s married early 30s, both done with school and paying off big bills). We have a good life together, a solid partnership. We are good friends and are very supportive of each other. But I often wonder if I am really the love of his life. Regarding marriage, in my heart of hearts, I think he was pretty apathetic. I’ve known couples who met and married within a year or two of meeting and really falling in love. They had no doubts and just knew it was the right choice. We’re they all soul mates? Who knows. I just envy the fact that they knew they did not (seem to) second guess their love and did not need years to figure it out. I don’t know what I’d do in years to come if I was prevented with the chance to experience that before it’s too late.

[Anonymous]

*presented with the opportunity

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People still do it for cultural, religious, and financial reasons.

Seriously? Does the other person know about that they are being married without being loved?
What a hell of a hell.

Yes, people usually know. Not every culture marries for love. And often these non-love match marriages last longer.

My husband is from a similar culture. Those marriages may last longer ( or forever) but it's not because the couple's are necessarily happy. It's because divorce is so taboo. Families are not supportive of divorce. Perhaps for the rich it's different. I prefer the US way. At least we have the freedom to leave when things are not working. We also don't have issues finding another relationship later. Lot's of in laws are clearly married to abusive men. It's so sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t want to lose myself in a relationship. Thought that if I was less into the guy I would be better able to maintain my independence & not cave. Also, as you can tell marriage just want a priority for me. So a nice, intelligent, friendly, responsible guy came along... & I figured, why not?
The marriage is boring- but functional. I invest very little into it.

Wow. Fascinating. What's your life like? Kids? Are you super into your job/hobbies/sport? If you care so little about relationships/marriage, then why get married at all? Is your spouse ok with this? (None of this is critical; just curious.)

Our life is ok, I think. We have 1 kiddo (unplanned)!& we are good parents. No fighting- it’s like living with a sibling. I am a teacher and put a lot into my job, but I’m not a rain maker. I just really like freedom/independence. I like to travel alone, time for reading ect. I’ll also add that he doesn’t just sit around the house. He has soccer, a healthy group of friends ect. We do a lot of coordinating schedules, which I don’t think is different than love based relationships. We have FHE 2 nights a week. We do family things ect. He really wanted to get married. I was fine living together indefinitely. But he was pumped to get married. So I figured, why not? As we get older I think he longs for more of partnership vs. trade off marriage. So we will see how this plays out.

Do you have sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People still do it for cultural, religious, and financial reasons.

Seriously? Does the other person know about that they are being married without being loved?
What a hell of a hell.

Yes, people usually know. Not every culture marries for love. And often these non-love match marriages last longer.

My husband is from a similar culture. Those marriages may last longer ( or forever) but it's not because the couple's are necessarily happy. It's because divorce is so taboo. Families are not supportive of divorce. Perhaps for the rich it's different. I prefer the US way. At least we have the freedom to leave when things are not working. We also don't have issues finding another relationship later. Lot's of in laws are clearly married to abusive men. It's so sad.

Read the Sacred Cows of Marriage and Divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t want to lose myself in a relationship. Thought that if I was less into the guy I would be better able to maintain my independence & not cave. Also, as you can tell marriage just want a priority for me. So a nice, intelligent, friendly, responsible guy came along... & I figured, why not?
The marriage is boring- but functional. I invest very little into it.

Wow. Fascinating. What's your life like? Kids? Are you super into your job/hobbies/sport? If you care so little about relationships/marriage, then why get married at all? Is your spouse ok with this? (None of this is critical; just curious.)

Our life is ok, I think. We have 1 kiddo (unplanned)!& we are good parents. No fighting- it’s like living with a sibling. I am a teacher and put a lot into my job, but I’m not a rain maker. I just really like freedom/independence. I like to travel alone, time for reading ect. I’ll also add that he doesn’t just sit around the house. He has soccer, a healthy group of friends ect. We do a lot of coordinating schedules, which I don’t think is different than love based relationships. We have FHE 2 nights a week. We do family things ect. He really wanted to get married. I was fine living together indefinitely. But he was pumped to get married. So I figured, why not? As we get older I think he longs for more of partnership vs. trade off marriage. So we will see how this plays out.

NP here. Important (and positive) points, thank you.

What if you married a guy who is socially clueless and invites drama, dos not have a healthy group of friends, etc.?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I married after several years of dating (met in late 20s married early 30s, both done with school and paying off big bills). We have a good life together, a solid partnership. We are good friends and are very supportive of each other. But I often wonder if I am really the love of his life. Regarding marriage, in my heart of hearts, I think he was pretty apathetic. I’ve known couples who met and married within a year or two of meeting and really falling in love. They had no doubts and just knew it was the right choice. We’re they all soul mates? Who knows. I just envy the fact that they knew they did not (seem to) second guess their love and did not need years to figure it out. I don’t know what I’d do in years to come if I was prevented with the chance to experience that before it’s too late.

+1

Other PP here. This is also important. If your DH comes from an abusive family, and does not know support, and/or invites drama, that gets old quickly.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, as someone said, young people should read this, let it be the lesson to the rest of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All those 30-year-olds who post on here bemoaning their singlehood should definitely read this thread! Don’t marry someone out of fear you’re getting old.

LOL 30 becomes 40 very quickly.

I'd rather be 40 and alone then stuck with 170lbs of baggage.

I don't think this thread is supporting that concept. Many posters saying they married the 'good enough' guy and are happy and fulfilled in their lives.

I doubt their partner would say the same