Do you get your adopted child a “Gotcha” gift?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Never. I loathe "gotcha". Children are not prizes to be captured and the day is a profound ambivalence in my family.

+10000 So offputting!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Btw I have also heard of this day referred to as a “traumaversary”.

That's absurd.

No it isn't. The day my child came into my care was the day the police broke down a door and removed her and she saw her bio father arrested. And if you have ever heard a bio mother cry when parental rights are terminated.you would understand it is not something to celebrate.

Yes, I've done TPR hearings as a professional. But, when it comes to that, except on a rare occasion, parents had many chances to get it together and the child deserves a family.

There are many kids of adoptions and to lump it all together is absurd.

If you don't agree with adoption, you could have kept your child under guardianship and let the parents maintain their rights.

It isn't up to the foster parent whether the bios maintain their rights and you should know it.

Foster parents can choose legal guardianship or choose to keep the kids in care and long term foster. There are lots of options. The preference is adoption but often kids stay in long term care or on a rare situation guardianship. Or, you can do an open adoption and continue to allow visits. Its not all or nothing nor should be except in severe cases of abuse or neglect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Btw I have also heard of this day referred to as a “traumaversary”.

That's absurd.

No it isn't. The day my child came into my care was the day the police broke down a door and removed her and she saw her bio father arrested. And if you have ever heard a bio mother cry when parental rights are terminated.you would understand it is not something to celebrate.

Yes, I've done TPR hearings as a professional. But, when it comes to that, except on a rare occasion, parents had many chances to get it together and the child deserves a family.

There are many kids of adoptions and to lump it all together is absurd.

If you don't agree with adoption, you could have kept your child under guardianship and let the parents maintain their rights.

It isn't up to the foster parent whether the bios maintain their rights and you should know it.

Foster parents can choose legal guardianship or choose to keep the kids in care and long term foster. There are lots of options. The preference is adoption but often kids stay in long term care or on a rare situation guardianship. Or, you can do an open adoption and continue to allow visits. Its not all or nothing nor should be except in severe cases of abuse or neglect.

They can choose the legal relationship they have to the child (or at least, accept or decline the options they are offered) but they are not able to prevent a TPR if the state choses to seek it. It isn't up to them and if they choose not to adopt, that won't stop the TPR.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Btw I have also heard of this day referred to as a “traumaversary”.

That's absurd.

No it isn't. The day my child came into my care was the day the police broke down a door and removed her and she saw her bio father arrested. And if you have ever heard a bio mother cry when parental rights are terminated.you would understand it is not something to celebrate.

Yes, I've done TPR hearings as a professional. But, when it comes to that, except on a rare occasion, parents had many chances to get it together and the child deserves a family.

There are many kids of adoptions and to lump it all together is absurd.

If you don't agree with adoption, you could have kept your child under guardianship and let the parents maintain their rights.

It isn't up to the foster parent whether the bios maintain their rights and you should know it.

Foster parents can choose legal guardianship or choose to keep the kids in care and long term foster. There are lots of options. The preference is adoption but often kids stay in long term care or on a rare situation guardianship. Or, you can do an open adoption and continue to allow visits. Its not all or nothing nor should be except in severe cases of abuse or neglect.

They can choose the legal relationship they have to the child (or at least, accept or decline the options they are offered) but they are not able to prevent a TPR if the state choses to seek it. It isn't up to them and if they choose not to adopt, that won't stop the TPR.

Most states only TPR if there is an potential for adoption or abuse/neglect is so severe.

[Anonymous]

No, we were in China both times (two adoptions) for at least three weeks so I just generally think of that whole MONTH as our first month together as a family (interestingly, it was the same exact month for both our kids, just four years apart! Who knew?!?!) and it is ALSO National Adoption Month, (really!!!) so we always feel like that whole month is already recognized for us. Anything else puts too fine a point on it. For us.

PS. Moms, above all else, please do not put your child's "gotchaversary" on FB. Yikes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Btw I have also heard of this day referred to as a “traumaversary”.

That's absurd.

No it isn't. The day my child came into my care was the day the police broke down a door and removed her and she saw her bio father arrested. And if you have ever heard a bio mother cry when parental rights are terminated.you would understand it is not something to celebrate.

Yes, I've done TPR hearings as a professional. But, when it comes to that, except on a rare occasion, parents had many chances to get it together and the child deserves a family.

There are many kids of adoptions and to lump it all together is absurd.

If you don't agree with adoption, you could have kept your child under guardianship and let the parents maintain their rights.

You don’t have to disagree with adoption to acknowledge the trauma. My kid’s birth mother is dead. So clearly something horrible happened, and clearly he needed to live with someone else. I agree that coming into my home was the best of the available choices, and I am glad that adoption gave him permanency. That doesn’t mean that there wasn’t trauma and loss, even though my child was too young to remember.

The best advice I got was to imagine if his birth mother was my sister. If my sister died and left a child with no living parent then I would welcome that child, and love that child, and feel grateful that they could be with me and not lost to me, and find a way to build a family that experienced love and joy, but none of that would erase the loss. And my child would know that I loved him, and was glad he was with me, and also that I wished things could have been otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Everyone has to know their child and know what’s appropriate. I’m an adult adoptee. My adoption wasn’t traumatic at all for me and while I can objectively acknowledge there’s a loss of birth family and culture, I myself don’t see it as a loss and instead see how much I’ve gained. But there are other adoptees who feel entirely differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Btw I have also heard of this day referred to as a “traumaversary”.

That's absurd.

No it isn't. The day my child came into my care was the day the police broke down a door and removed her and she saw her bio father arrested. And if you have ever heard a bio mother cry when parental rights are terminated.you would understand it is not something to celebrate.

Yes, I've done TPR hearings as a professional. But, when it comes to that, except on a rare occasion, parents had many chances to get it together and the child deserves a family.

There are many kids of adoptions and to lump it all together is absurd.

If you don't agree with adoption, you could have kept your child under guardianship and let the parents maintain their rights.

You don’t have to disagree with adoption to acknowledge the trauma. My kid’s birth mother is dead. So clearly something horrible happened, and clearly he needed to live with someone else. I agree that coming into my home was the best of the available choices, and I am glad that adoption gave him permanency. That doesn’t mean that there wasn’t trauma and loss, even though my child was too young to remember.

The best advice I got was to imagine if his birth mother was my sister. If my sister died and left a child with no living parent then I would welcome that child, and love that child, and feel grateful that they could be with me and not lost to me, and find a way to build a family that experienced love and joy, but none of that would erase the loss. And my child would know that I loved him, and was glad he was with me, and also that I wished things could have been otherwise.

A lot of our kids have a deceased birthparent. Not all kids experience that level of trauma and people are projecting. There are many happy, healthy people who were adopted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. I don't even have memorized the date she became legally ours. But adoption is born out of loss, always - the loss of a bond between a mother and her child. That's not something to celebrate.

Amen. You are a very wise woman and I think I know who you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone has to know their child and know what’s appropriate. I’m an adult adoptee. My adoption wasn’t traumatic at all for me and while I can objectively acknowledge there’s a loss of birth family and culture, I myself don’t see it as a loss and instead see how much I’ve gained. But there are other adoptees who feel entirely differently.

These are not mutually exclusive. My child is quite traumatized by loss and abandonment issues. Yet he knows objectively and in his heart that he has gained so much as a result of adoption and that, likely, his life is so much better in terms of comfort, security, love and financial matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone has to know their child and know what’s appropriate. I’m an adult adoptee. My adoption wasn’t traumatic at all for me and while I can objectively acknowledge there’s a loss of birth family and culture, I myself don’t see it as a loss and instead see how much I’ve gained. But there are other adoptees who feel entirely differently.

These are not mutually exclusive. My child is quite traumatized by loss and abandonment issues. Yet he knows objectively and in his heart that he has gained so much as a result of adoption and that, likely, his life is so much better in terms of comfort, security, love and financial matters.

Yes, that’s why I said everyone is different. There is no one singular adoptee experience. I am also an adoptive parent and I work hard daily to remind myself that my adoption experience is not the same as my kids’.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Btw I have also heard of this day referred to as a “traumaversary”.

That's absurd.

No it isn't. The day my child came into my care was the day the police broke down a door and removed her and she saw her bio father arrested. And if you have ever heard a bio mother cry when parental rights are terminated.you would understand it is not something to celebrate.

does that really happen? Relinquishing a child for adoption is voluntary

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Btw I have also heard of this day referred to as a “traumaversary”.

That's absurd.

No it isn't. The day my child came into my care was the day the police broke down a door and removed her and she saw her bio father arrested. And if you have ever heard a bio mother cry when parental rights are terminated.you would understand it is not something to celebrate.

does that really happen? Relinquishing a child for adoption is voluntary

There are different kinds of adoption, some voluntarily, some not. Foster to adopt is not voluntary. Nor, are the many shady adoptions that happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Btw I have also heard of this day referred to as a “traumaversary”.

That's absurd.

No it isn't. The day my child came into my care was the day the police broke down a door and removed her and she saw her bio father arrested. And if you have ever heard a bio mother cry when parental rights are terminated.you would understand it is not something to celebrate.

does that really happen? Relinquishing a child for adoption is voluntary

Yes FFS! Children are removed from their homes for abuse and neglect by the child welfare authority. If no relative or kin-like person can be found, the child stays in foster care. Eventually if the bio parents cannot regain custody, parental rights may be terminated and the child legally freed for adoption. They may be adopted by the current foster parent or by someone else. It is all up to the court. So for my child, there is no "gotcha" day celebration because coming into my care is all tied up with that stuff. It is terribly painful to think that nobody in the extended bio family stepped up for this child. But that is what happened and my child was old enough to understand it at the time. It's very hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone has to know their child and know what’s appropriate. I’m an adult adoptee. My adoption wasn’t traumatic at all for me and while I can objectively acknowledge there’s a loss of birth family and culture, I myself don’t see it as a loss and instead see how much I’ve gained. But there are other adoptees who feel entirely differently.

Same here. Also, my sibling and I were both adopted (as infants), and we never celebrated this. We celebrated our birthdays. It honestly would have felt weird to celebrate something like this, like it would emphasize that I was different and not just part of the family. Maybe for people who were older when they were adopted it would have a different resonance.