Teens raised in progressive religious home choosing not to be confirmed

[Anonymous]

Which part of this is progressive?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Which part of this is progressive?

+100000

[Anonymous]

Forced confirmation is what kicked off my now lifelong identification as an atheist. My parents forced me to go to church while I lived with them, but I stopped going as soon as I got to college. I am happy and content but I think my atheism disturbs my mom. We don't talk about it as I don't want to upset her. I think she prays for my soul, which is sweet.

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel for you. I too would be deeply disappointed if my children didn’t want to be confirmed. I’m also a progressive Christian (Catholic). I think what I’d do is pray for them and if they really don’t want to do it, don’t force them. Maybe your child just doesn’t want to be told what to do. If you honor that and let your child make their own choice, maybe the resistance won’t be as strong. Maybe your child will come back to the faith later on in life. Pray that God gives them the gift of faith.

[Anonymous]

Catholic and was a 3rd grade religious ed teacher. DS was baptized, received penance and first communion. We talked about being confirmed, it's meaning, how it is a prerequisite for the sacrament of marriage in the Catholic Church etc. I suggested it should be his choice and he could be confirmed at any time. He was indifferent about it and was relying on me to decide. That was the answer and he was not confirmed. He's always been very kind, empathetic and generous. Sees the best in people. That's what I'm most proud of about him. He has turned out to be pretty spiritual, definitely has faith, doesn't balk at going to mass. Had strong opinions about church abuse and how the Pope responded. We toured a few colleges and one was Catholic. He said it was nice to have the option of a beautiful chapel, ministry and how it was there but not forced or required. It's been really amazing to observe how he's matured and makes sense of the world based on his own values and integrity.

OP don't wrestle too much over it. This is an opportunity to show your kids that their beliefs matter, choices are respected and faith comes to those when they are open to receiving it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:(Hello -- OP here. Given the specialized audience I'm cross-posting here hoping to get more wisdom and advice for my heartbroken self.)

Looking for advice and thoughts from other religious progressives --

Our two kids, ages 14 and 15, are about to start confirmation classes at our progressive Methodist church. We have a great congregation that we all feel connected to on some level, though for our kids, especially the 14 year old son but perhaps for both kids, the connection is more about community or social justice than religion.

My husband and I have made it clear since the kids were young that we expect them to go to church with us, because it is our family value, because we want them to have a religious education, and to put them in a position to make an informed choice about religion when they are older. Sometimes we have lived in places where there were no progessive churches or churches that felt comfortable to us, but we found the best fit and went anyway, because we valued it and grew from the experience, even when it could be uncomfortable at times.

Confirmation will be in early June, and so far it looks like my 14 yo son will definitely choose _not_ to be confirmed. My 15 yo daughter is on the fence.

I feel so torn up about this. I strongly believe that the kids need to make their own choice. But it is so hard to think that their choices are likely not to be my choice and that I think their lives will be less meaningful and rich as a result. When I was a teen, it was assumed that all of us youth would be confirmed (and confirmation was earlier, at 13, and the classes lasted for two years, so it wasn't so rushed), so I went along with it. I don't know that was necessarily an informed decision then or that I was prepared to make the decision, but the social pressure and, in a sense, lack of real option to say no, did keep me ostensibly connected to the church or at least prevent the option of outright rejecting it. In the next decade, I had a long journey -- exploring other Christian denominations, Unitarian/Universalism, making close Jewish friends and thinking about becoming Jewish, and then finally finding our current Protestant congregation that I connected with.

I hate that our kids are being asked to make a decision at such a young age, yet choosing not to put them in confirmation class when all their peers are doing it would be wierd. And what message would that send -- they are less adult, less capable than their peers?

In a way it was a blessing that confirmation was so expected when i was a teen and that it happened earlier. I was also less wordly than my kids, and didn't really question the process. It just meant less -- it was a ceremony everyone did, and you sorted out your real feelings later in life. I felt like it left my generation connected to the church -- like an umbilical cord -- and we could choose how to active to make that connection later. I did a lot of searching as a young adult. Ultimately, although raised Lutheran it was a Methodist congregation that I really connected with. I worry that with the kids being given the real option to say no to the church at the age at such young ages--14 and 15--they will say no, and it will be a hard road to come back to the church later if they want to, given that they have already rejected the church.

I'm not concerned about them going to hell or anything like that. That's not my theology and I don't believe that will happen; I think we are all part of God's family, regardless of our actions.

What I do think might happen is that they are forced into a premature decision about whether or not to affiliate with a religious belief/community throughout their life. And that if they decide no now, they will not search -- as I did -- for a way to meaningfully integrate a religious heritage into their lives. And as a result, theh will miss a religious dimension of meaning, questioning, growing, connection, and social activism that has meant so much to me, and that I really wish we could be a part of their lives.

Has anyone BTDT? Words of wisdom?

Also, what did you do once your teens decided against confirmation but were still living at home? Let them skip church? Make them go anyway?

In my case, when I was an older teen and questioning, my parents let me skip our church as long as I went to a religious service on the weekend. It was a great compromise. I went to all sorts of houses of worship -- Christian, UU, Jewish, Hindu, etc. I had a sense of agency, but still a responsibility to explore spirituality. But my kids are younger (and don't have driver's licenses.) And my son -- the younger, more skeptical one -- was uninterested when I suggested recently that as an alternative to church, I could take him to a secular humanist congregation so he could explore what it means to live an ethical life connected to community without a religious dimension.

Thank you for your wisdom and compassion.

Wow. If you really think this, you’re in no way as progressive as you think you are. I hope at the very least you never say anything like this to your friends who aren’t believers. Honestly, this confirms my own theory that even “progressive” religious people think they’re better than the non-religious. I am not close to anyone super religious, and clearly with good reason—they pity me and my apparently meaningless and impoverished life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Weird. I was raised a Methodist and there was no such thing as "confirmation." That is much more a Catholic thing.

Anyway, it doesn't matter as long as she was baptized. Let her decide.

Ok.

http://www.umc.org/what-we-believe/beyond-baptism-what-confirmation-means-to-united-methodists

Interesting. Well, I was raised in the tural south and there was a strong anti-Catholic sentiment. Maybe my church felt "confirmation" was too popish. We definitely didn't do it.

Mine didn't either for exactly the reasons you are describing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The point of confirmation is making a choice. If you force her to do it, you are dishonoring the process and teaching her to build a false relationship with god. I was confirmed in this manner and it was completely meaningless. For me it reinforced that it was all a show.

+1

I was raised in the Presbyterian church. We called confirmation "joining the church" . It was supposed to be an act of free will. As part of the process, we met with the Session of the church without our parents present in order to discuss our faith. They wouldn't have confirmed anyone was was coerced or who didn't want to do it.

[Anonymous]

OP you sound exhausted. And exhausting. And not as progressive as you think for sure.

[Anonymous]

I grew up Catholic and didn't want to be confirmed. Parents finally convinced me by saying they would throw a party and I would get money. In college I went to church, ended up becoming a Christian, and married a pastor!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up Catholic and didn't want to be confirmed. Parents finally convinced me by saying they would throw a party and I would get money. In college I went to church, ended up becoming a Christian, and married a pastor!

Psst. Catholics are Christians.

[Anonymous]

I agree that the OP sounds exhausted and exhausting.

What are you ultimately afraid of for your kids?

I’m so appreciative that my parents have accepted that I am no longer Catholic and I am not raising with kids with religion even though it is the opposite of how I was raised.

I am an adult. They’ve known me for a long time. They know that I am a good person with good values. I’m anchored in my life in multiple ways.

There are many ways to get from Point A to Point B in life. Thoughts and philosophies change through generations.

“dearly beloved, we are gathered here together to get through this thing called life”

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The point of confirmation is making a choice. If you force her to do it, you are dishonoring the process and teaching her to build a false relationship with god. I was confirmed in this manner and it was completely meaningless. For me it reinforced that it was all a show.

+1

I was raised in the Presbyterian church. We called confirmation "joining the church" . It was supposed to be an act of free will. As part of the process, we met with the Session of the church without our parents present in order to discuss our faith. They wouldn't have confirmed anyone was was coerced or who didn't want to do it.

+1

During year two of the three-year confirmation process in our ELCA Lutheran church, my son announced that he didn’t want to continue or be confirmed. It was entirely his decision and we talked about it at some length. And that was that.

He is his own person, entitled to his own life, spiritually and otherwise.

[Anonymous]

A nice quote I heard once was "if you're not free to leave, then you're not really home"

[Anonymous]

I agree with some of the others who mentioned that if you planted the seed of Christianity, then it will always be there. That seed may blossom later in life. I am Catholic. I did not get confirmed as a teenager either. I did not rebel or anything like that. It was just not the right time and everything was forced upon me. I just needed more time to process my thoughts, true motives, and to really dig deeper about my faith. I was an inquisitive science geek who was really having inner conflict about science and religion. However, this is another story and I want to stay on topic. Anyway, I got confirmed later in life once I had a better understanding of my faith and my journey with Christ. When I got confirmed as an adult I felt more empowered because it was a decision that I made and not my parents. Also, my faith grew stronger as I matured.

OP, do not beat yourself up over this. Do not force your child either. I find that children who are forced often times rebel and reject religion all together. I will state your feelings to your children, but definitely allow them to make this decision for themselves. Trust me on this one.