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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous](Hello -- OP here.  Given the specialized audience I'm cross-posting here hoping to get more wisdom and advice for my heartbroken self.)

Looking for advice and thoughts from other religious progressives --

Our two kids, ages 14 and 15, are about to start confirmation classes at our progressive Methodist church. We have a great congregation that we all feel connected to on some level, though for our kids, especially the 14 year old son but perhaps for both kids, the connection is more about community or social justice than religion.

My husband and I have made it clear since the kids were young that we expect them to go to church with us, because it is our family value, because we want them to have a religious education, and to put them in a position to make an informed choice about religion when they are older. Sometimes we have lived in places where there were no progessive churches or churches that felt comfortable to us, but we found the best fit and went anyway, because we valued it and grew from the experience, even when it could be uncomfortable at times.

Confirmation will be in early June, and so far it looks like my 14 yo son will definitely choose _not_ to be confirmed. My 15 yo daughter is on the fence.

I feel so torn up about this. I strongly believe that the kids need to make their own choice. But it is so hard to think that their choices are likely not to be my choice and that [b]I think their lives will be less meaningful and rich as a result. [/b]When I was a teen, it was assumed that all of us youth would be confirmed (and confirmation was earlier, at 13, and the classes lasted for two years, so it wasn't so rushed), so I went along with it. I don't know that was necessarily an informed decision then or that I was prepared to make the decision, but the social pressure and, in a sense, lack of real option to say no, did keep me ostensibly connected to the church or at least prevent the option of outright rejecting it. In the next decade, I had a long journey -- exploring other Christian denominations, Unitarian/Universalism, making close Jewish friends and thinking about becoming Jewish, and then finally finding our current Protestant congregation that I connected with.

I hate that our kids are being asked to make a decision at such a young age, yet choosing not to put them in confirmation class when all their peers are doing it would be wierd. And what message would that send -- they are less adult, less capable than their peers?

In a way it was a blessing that confirmation was so expected when i was a teen and that it happened earlier. I was also less wordly than my kids, and didn't really question the process. It just meant less -- it was a ceremony everyone did, and you sorted out your real feelings later in life. I felt like it left my generation connected to the church -- like an umbilical cord -- and we could choose how to active to make that connection later. I did a lot of searching as a young adult. Ultimately, although raised Lutheran it was a Methodist congregation that I really connected with. I worry that with the kids being given the real option to say no to the church at the age at such young ages--14 and 15--they will say no, and it will be a hard road to come back to the church later if they want to, given that they have already rejected the church.

I'm not concerned about them going to hell or anything like that. That's not my theology and I don't believe that will happen; I think we are all part of God's family, regardless of our actions.

What I do think might happen is that they are forced into a premature decision about whether or not to affiliate with a religious belief/community throughout their life. And that if they decide no now, they will not search -- as I did -- for a way to meaningfully integrate a religious heritage into their lives. And as a result, theh will miss a religious dimension of meaning, questioning, growing, connection, and social activism that has meant so much to me, and that I really wish we could be a part of their lives.

Has anyone BTDT? Words of wisdom?

Also, what did you do once your teens decided against confirmation but were still living at home? Let them skip church? Make them go anyway?

In my case, when I was an older teen and questioning, my parents let me skip our church as long as I went to a religious service on the weekend. It was a great compromise. I went to all sorts of houses of worship -- Christian, UU, Jewish, Hindu, etc. I had a sense of agency, but still a responsibility to explore spirituality. But my kids are younger (and don't have driver's licenses.) And my son -- the younger, more skeptical one -- was uninterested when I suggested recently that as an alternative to church, I could take him to a secular humanist congregation so he could explore what it means to live an ethical life connected to community without a religious dimension.

Thank you for your wisdom and compassion. 
[/quote]

Wow. If you really think this, you’re in no way as progressive as you think you are. I hope at the very least you never say anything like this to your friends who aren’t believers. Honestly, this confirms my own theory that even “progressive” religious people think they’re better than the non-religious. I am not close to anyone super religious, and clearly with good reason—they pity me and my apparently meaningless and impoverished life.[/quote]

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