Teens raised in progressive religious home choosing not to be confirmed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was raised in a progressive Methodist church. I was confirmed, active in youth group, etc. The church is the center of my parents social lives. I never believed in God. I had some ok friends their but it wasn’t my thing. I never went to church again after I turned 16. I got married in that church - to a Catholic. And we’ve never been to church together and are raising our kids without religion. I promise you our lives are rich and full and fulfilling.

Also my parents and my Catholic in-laws have never mentioned getting our kids baptized or taking them to church and don’t mention or nah us about our choices - and we’re close and have great relationships with our parents. So if you really want your kids to make their own choices - let them. And then drop it and don’t harp on your disappointment about it for years to come.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, OP, you sound really caught up in things that just aren’t true. Not getting confirmed now will not keep the, out of the church later, and not forcing them through confirmation is in no way a signal that they’re less grown up than their peers. Given how often you referenced social pressures, I wonder if you’re projecting onto your kids the social pressures you feel among the adults in your church, that you’re concerned about how it will look to everyone else if your kids skip out on confirmation while everyone else is doing it, whether you will be viewed as lesser because you didn’t instill better religious values in your kids,

I could be totally off base there, but it may be worth a little introspection to make sure before you dismiss it out of hand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
When I was a teen, it was assumed that all of us youth would be confirmed (and confirmation was earlier, at 13, and the classes lasted for two years, so it wasn't so rushed), so I went along with it. I don't know that was necessarily an informed decision then or that I was prepared to make the decision, but the social pressure and, in a sense, lack of real option to say no, did keep me ostensibly connected to the church or at least prevent the option of outright rejecting it.

I hate that our kids are being asked to make a decision at such a young age, yet choosing not to put them in confirmation class when all their peers are doing it would be wierd. And what message would that send -- they are less adult, less capable than their peers?

In a way it was a blessing that confirmation was so expected when i was a teen and that it happened earlier. I was also less wordly than my kids, and didn't really question the process. It just meant less -- it was a ceremony everyone did, and you sorted out your real feelings later in life. I felt like it left my generation connected to the church -- like an umbilical cord -- and we could choose how to active to make that connection later. I worry that with the kids being given the real option to say no to the church at the age at such young ages--14 and 15--they will say no, and it will be a hard road to come back to the church later if they want to, given that they have already rejected the church.

What I do think might happen is that they are forced into a premature decision about whether or not to affiliate with a religious belief/community throughout their life. And that if they decide no now, they will not search -- as I did -- for a way to meaningfully integrate a religious heritage into their lives. And as a result, theh will miss a religious dimension of meaning, questioning, growing, connection, and social activism that has meant so much to me, and that I really wish we could be a part of their lives.

For me, what stood out most about your statement was the bolded. You worry that they are too young to make this decision, but you also wish it happened when they were younger and more easily pressured into the decision.

My confirmation experience sounds very similar to yours- lots of preparation at a younger age, and NO ONE opted out because it was what everyone did, despite the fact that confirmation was supposed to be a mature, free choice. When that “decision” is made at a tender age, as a result of community pressure or conforming to expectations, it’s pretty much a sham, isn’t it? I know that I questioned not a thing about it, and that the experience was much more meaningful for my friend who chose the church, and went through the confirmation process, as an older teenager.

The confirmation process honestly didn’t mean much to me; I was already a devout part of the church at that point, and confirmation was just like checking a box. I did question things as I got older, but any attachment I had to the church or religion existed regardless of confirmation. I had a difficult break from all religion when I was in college- confirmation didn’t mean that I couldn’t still make that choice.

I know it’s difficult for your kid(s) to go in a different direction than you spiritually, but I wouldn’t get too caught up in the idea that it’s confirmation now or nothing. They are just starting on that necessary process of figuring out what they believe, and there is no telling where they will end up. The best you can do is be a good role model and help them be good people, regardless of where they end up religiously.

[Anonymous]

Weird. I was raised a Methodist and there was no such thing as "confirmation." That is much more a Catholic thing.

Anyway, it doesn't matter as long as she was baptized. Let her decide.

[Anonymous]

Choosing not to be confirmed this year is not an outright rejection of the church or religion more broadly. It is choosing to stay true to their own beliefs at this stage in their lives. Honor that. They have many years to develop their own identities, religious and otherwise.

[Anonymous]

The point of confirmation is making a choice. If you force her to do it, you are dishonoring the process and teaching her to build a false relationship with god. I was confirmed in this manner and it was completely meaningless. For me it reinforced that it was all a show.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Weird. I was raised a Methodist and there was no such thing as "confirmation." That is much more a Catholic thing.

Anyway, it doesn't matter as long as she was baptized. Let her decide.

Ok.

http://www.umc.org/what-we-believe/beyond-baptism-what-confirmation-means-to-united-methodists

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“and it will be a hard road to come back to the church later if they want to, given that they have already rejected the church.”

Why do you believe the above? What will make it so hard to be confirmed later?

Speaking as someone who decided not to be confirmed in high school, when "everyone else" was doing it, and nonetheless continued to attend church, and ultimately was confirmed in my 20s -- I don't think there is any basis for OP's statement. Not being confirmed is not the same as rejecting a church.

My mom was, certainly, upset at my choice. But she told me that it was absolutely my choice, and that she trusted that she had taught me values that would stay with me, AND she trusted that God would work in my life whether or not I was confirmed at that time. I think OP needs to examine her own faith, and ask herself whether she has that same trust.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Weird. I was raised a Methodist and there was no such thing as "confirmation." That is much more a Catholic thing.

Anyway, it doesn't matter as long as she was baptized. Let her decide.

Ok.

http://www.umc.org/what-we-believe/beyond-baptism-what-confirmation-means-to-united-methodists

Interesting. Well, I was raised in the tural south and there was a strong anti-Catholic sentiment. Maybe my church felt "confirmation" was too popish. We definitely didn't do it.

[Anonymous]

Very long post, OP.

If they're not 100% convinced this is the right choice for them, leave it alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, OP, you sound really caught up in things that just aren’t true. Not getting confirmed now will not keep the, out of the church later, and not forcing them through confirmation is in no way a signal that they’re less grown up than their peers. Given how often you referenced social pressures, I wonder if you’re projecting onto your kids the social pressures you feel among the adults in your church, that you’re concerned about how it will look to everyone else if your kids skip out on confirmation while everyone else is doing it, whether you will be viewed as lesser because you didn’t instill better religious values in your kids,

I could be totally off base there, but it may be worth a little introspection to make sure before you dismiss it out of hand.

+1

I agree. OP is making more of confirmation than is justified--people are confirmed as adults all the time, and not being confirmed is not a rejection of a church, and someone can attend church without being confirmed. Faith is a journey, not a destination.

And social pressure and "what people think" should not factor into this decision at all. My mom worked for the freaking bishop and I didn't get confirmed "on schedule." Not once did she say or act like she cared what anyone else would think. I'm sure she got comments, but if she told them what she told me, she told them that she was proud of raising a kid who took confirmation seriously enough to say no if it didn't feel like the right decision, and I wasn't just rebelling for its own sake--my reasons were the result of a lot of thought and reflected the very values that I had learned from her and from the church.

[Anonymous]

I think you have "planted the seed" of Christianity and they can come back to it later in life

Religion was not that useful or important to me at the end of my high school or during college, but I appreciate it now later in life

[Anonymous]

I would not push it. The point of Confirmation is for them to own their faith for themselves. Why force it if they can’t do that? The end result is a meaningless show. You plant the seed and you nurture it. I would insist they continue to attend services with the family as long as they are dependents and have not committed to another faith, but let them be confirmed when (or if) they are mature and ready to embrace what it represents.

[Anonymous]

You said you think your children’s lives will be less meaningful if they’re not confirmed. I can’t get past that.

I see 2 real options. Either let them choose and stop fussing over their decision (don’t harp on it, act disappointed, or be the martyr mother who struggles to raise her heathen children) or quit pretending they have a choice and force them to do it (admit that you want to sound like you support their freedom of religion independent of what religion you practice, but you really will only be happy if they believe in your religion or one similar, like you probably wouldn’t get too bent out of shape if one of them decided to be Lutheran).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you have "planted the seed" of Christianity and they can come back to it later in life

Religion was not that useful or important to me at the end of my high school or during college, but I appreciate it now later in life

+1