Husband concealed credit card debt

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,

I've been through this with my DH for 15 years and I can tell you more monitoring doesn't work. This is an illness that won't be fixed simply by scolding him or hovering over him no matter how much he may genuinely want to change. He needs treatment. The mistake I made years ago was thinking I didn't have enough money for therapy and putting it off. It was far more expensive NOT to get therapy than to invest in it.

In the meantime, protect yourself. Don't just monitor - you'll make yourself crazy and it won't solve the problem - but completely separate your finances. Buy a home in your name only, even if it means you need to get smaller home. Close all joint accounts and insist on a certain $ amount for bills each month. Soon enough the credit card problem will take care of itself because he won't be able to get credit if he overextends himself and you won't be there to bail him out. Remember this is his problem and protect your own credit. DH actually ended up losing his bank account too and had to switch to a prepaid card. Ridiculous given our salaries but not my problem. I still get my money for bills so that I can save a portion of my income, my credit is excellent, and my funds are secure.

You'll need to decide if you can live with this. In my case, there is enough good in DH that I've accepted this major flaw as long as I'm protected and he is managing his condition in therapy. If you can't live with the reality that your DH will always struggle with finances to some extent, you really have no choice but to move on.

++++1 to all of this. Great response.

[Anonymous]

OP - I think there is a difference between

a) running up debt out of a love for shopping
b) paying for basic family needs
c) buying things you don't need due to being a hoarder

If it was b - how did you think the bills and needs were being paid? are you a dual income family? Was all the pressure on DH to pay for everything and he couldn't? B isn't a DH issue - it is a marriage issue that he didn't feel he could tell you that he couldn't pay the bills.

If it is a - and he just doesn't care about the finances or how much money you are in debt - that isn't going to change. That is an attitude problem.

If it is c) then he needs psychological help. That is a mental illness and it isn't going to easily improve either. If he is buying compulsively and can't let go of things - you will have not only a money issue but also a storage / hoarder house issue.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for the responses.

Yes, we have two kids together.

Yes, I do have a feeling that my monitoring of his every expense will result in (I) me going crazy and confrontational; (II) him not developing the skills he needs to get this under control; (III) him trying to find ways to get around my monitoring - all unhealthy...

Perhaps, I should just have ability to monitor his credit directly.

I think we should try therapy. He is a compulsive spender and hid his debt knowing that would affect his family (financially and emotionally). He always makes timely min. payments. I would appreciate names of therapists "specializing" in our issue. We are in NOVA.

I will explore separating finances.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. We are a dual income family and have a joint checking and savings accounts and pay for family expenses from our joint checking.

I can't diagnose my husband's issue, but in a nutshell he can't resist buying something "cool" even if he ends up never using it/ using it once.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I think there is a difference between

a) running up debt out of a love for shopping
b) paying for basic family needs
c) buying things you don't need due to being a hoarder

If it was b - how did you think the bills and needs were being paid? are you a dual income family? Was all the pressure on DH to pay for everything and he couldn't? B isn't a DH issue - it is a marriage issue that he didn't feel he could tell you that he couldn't pay the bills.

If it is a - and he just doesn't care about the finances or how much money you are in debt - that isn't going to change. That is an attitude problem.

If it is c) then he needs psychological help. That is a mental illness and it isn't going to easily improve either. If he is buying compulsively and can't let go of things - you will have not only a money issue but also a storage / hoarder house issue.

A and C are the same issues. Hoarding and compulsive shopping are about filling a void. They’re compulsive behaviors and need to be treated as such.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I couldn’t get over the adobe thing. If he is capable of that level of deception, what is he not capable of? Please see a lawyer and begin to think about divorce and separating yourself and the kids from this mess.

That's also the thing that stands out to me. You shouldn't have to hire a forensic accountant to track your own spouse. Is your husband able to admit that he did an awful, unethical thing and that he has a problem and needs serious help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. We are a dual income family and have a joint checking and savings accounts and pay for family expenses from our joint checking.

I can't diagnose my husband's issue, but in a nutshell he can't resist buying something "cool" even if he ends up never using it/ using it once.

I would look for a therapist that specializes in addiction behaviors. He gets a “high” off the purchase. I would also inquire about screening him for ADHD. In addition to looking here, perhaps start with your primary care doctor about a referral for a good therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I couldn’t get over the adobe thing. If he is capable of that level of deception, what is he not capable of? Please see a lawyer and begin to think about divorce and separating yourself and the kids from this mess.

That's also the thing that stands out to me. You shouldn't have to hire a forensic accountant to track your own spouse. Is your husband able to admit that he did an awful, unethical thing and that he has a problem and needs serious help?

This is really critical information to help you determine next steps.

What your husband did is financial abuse. Very few abusers change, because they don’t believe what they did was wrong.

If your DH is unable to admit that he has a problem (full stop), then you need to leave.

[Anonymous]

Your instincts all seem to be about increased monitoring and increased power over him. We are all telling you that is not going to work.

You cannot control what another person does.

That is why you need to separate your finances from him. Divorce is the best way to do that. Don’t think that this is going to get better. He is a liar and a fraudster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,

I've been through this with my DH for 15 years and I can tell you more monitoring doesn't work. This is an illness that won't be fixed simply by scolding him or hovering over him no matter how much he may genuinely want to change. He needs treatment. The mistake I made years ago was thinking I didn't have enough money for therapy and putting it off. It was far more expensive NOT to get therapy than to invest in it.

In the meantime, protect yourself. Don't just monitor - you'll make yourself crazy and it won't solve the problem - but completely separate your finances. Buy a home in your name only, even if it means you need to get smaller home. Close all joint accounts and insist on a certain $ amount for bills each month. Soon enough the credit card problem will take care of itself because he won't be able to get credit if he overextends himself and you won't be there to bail him out. Remember this is his problem and protect your own credit. DH actually ended up losing his bank account too and had to switch to a prepaid card. Ridiculous given our salaries but not my problem. I still get my money for bills so that I can save a portion of my income, my credit is excellent, and my funds are secure.

You'll need to decide if you can live with this. In my case, there is enough good in DH that I've accepted this major flaw as long as I'm protected and he is managing his condition in therapy. If you can't live with the reality that your DH will always struggle with finances to some extent, you really have no choice but to move on.

++++1 to all of this. Great response.

If you're married buying a house in your own name does NOT protect you. All debt will be married debt. Get a financial advisor.

[Anonymous]

Get a divorce, OP.

If there are people who love each other and do not get married in order to protect pre-marital assets/existing alimony payments, surely your case is an even better reason to get a divorce.

You can love him and divorce him in order to save you and your children(and him as well- he will sink all of you, including himself)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,

I've been through this with my DH for 15 years and I can tell you more monitoring doesn't work. This is an illness that won't be fixed simply by scolding him or hovering over him no matter how much he may genuinely want to change. He needs treatment. The mistake I made years ago was thinking I didn't have enough money for therapy and putting it off. It was far more expensive NOT to get therapy than to invest in it.

In the meantime, protect yourself. Don't just monitor - you'll make yourself crazy and it won't solve the problem - but completely separate your finances. Buy a home in your name only, even if it means you need to get smaller home. Close all joint accounts and insist on a certain $ amount for bills each month. Soon enough the credit card problem will take care of itself because he won't be able to get credit if he overextends himself and you won't be there to bail him out. Remember this is his problem and protect your own credit. DH actually ended up losing his bank account too and had to switch to a prepaid card. Ridiculous given our salaries but not my problem. I still get my money for bills so that I can save a portion of my income, my credit is excellent, and my funds are secure.

You'll need to decide if you can live with this. In my case, there is enough good in DH that I've accepted this major flaw as long as I'm protected and he is managing his condition in therapy. If you can't live with the reality that your DH will always struggle with finances to some extent, you really have no choice but to move on.

++++1 to all of this. Great response.

If you're married buying a house in your own name does NOT protect you. All debt will be married debt. Get a financial advisor.

It does to an extent. It’s much harder for creditors to go after an asset that’s not in his name.

The lack of protection comes if you divorce - then it’s all “marital assets and debt”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,

I've been through this with my DH for 15 years and I can tell you more monitoring doesn't work. This is an illness that won't be fixed simply by scolding him or hovering over him no matter how much he may genuinely want to change. He needs treatment. The mistake I made years ago was thinking I didn't have enough money for therapy and putting it off. It was far more expensive NOT to get therapy than to invest in it.

In the meantime, protect yourself. Don't just monitor - you'll make yourself crazy and it won't solve the problem - but completely separate your finances. Buy a home in your name only, even if it means you need to get smaller home. Close all joint accounts and insist on a certain $ amount for bills each month. Soon enough the credit card problem will take care of itself because he won't be able to get credit if he overextends himself and you won't be there to bail him out. Remember this is his problem and protect your own credit. DH actually ended up losing his bank account too and had to switch to a prepaid card. Ridiculous given our salaries but not my problem. I still get my money for bills so that I can save a portion of my income, my credit is excellent, and my funds are secure.

You'll need to decide if you can live with this. In my case, there is enough good in DH that I've accepted this major flaw as long as I'm protected and he is managing his condition in therapy. If you can't live with the reality that your DH will always struggle with finances to some extent, you really have no choice but to move on.

++++1 to all of this. Great response.

If you're married buying a house in your own name does NOT protect you. All debt will be married debt. Get a financial advisor.

Get a postnup.

[Anonymous]

It means he’s generally dishonest.

My husband is dishonest about finances and also other things. Means he’s capable of cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It means he’s generally dishonest.

My husband is dishonest about finances and also other things. Means he’s capable of cheating.

He already has cheated. Just not with another person. It’s all the same. Lying is lying.