Birthday snub the teenage years...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was in your daughter's shoes. Honestly one of the best things my mom did was NOT go about it the adult way. She basically called her a bitch (didn't use the actual word), a status climber, etc. It really helped to just have her say what I was thinking but couldn't say. Then my mom helped me realize that this friend was a user and selfish. She used me for things like your daughter did for this friend, and the second she got a chance to move up the social ladder, she no longer needed me.

So yeah, I say don't go the sugar coating "it will all be ok " route. Just confirm with her that her former friend sucks.

I love your mom!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in your daughter's shoes. Honestly one of the best things my mom did was NOT go about it the adult way. She basically called her a bitch (didn't use the actual word), a status climber, etc. It really helped to just have her say what I was thinking but couldn't say. Then my mom helped me realize that this friend was a user and selfish. She used me for things like your daughter did for this friend, and the second she got a chance to move up the social ladder, she no longer needed me.

So yeah, I say don't go the sugar coating "it will all be ok " route. Just confirm with her that her former friend sucks.

I love your mom!

+1. It doesn't excuse the behavior and teaches DD that this treatment isn't ok. It's important for DD to learn to identify and avoid users. Hugs to your DD OP, I'm so sorry!

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't necessarily worry about saying the "right" thing. I'd be mad too, and I'd say it. "Your friend did a shitty thing. You can decide when you're feeling better how you want to handle it. I've got your back."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG. So many of you are worse than teenagers. OP, I was blown off by my best friend in a cruel way at age 13 or so. It sucked, I cried a lot, and it would have helped if my parents had normalized the experience for me (sorry that happened, even friends make mistakes, relationships change) and encouraged me (she is the one making a mistake, this happens to lots of people and you will find your group again). I did recover and did find new wonderful friends. By senior year in high school previous best friend was hanging out with some people in my "friend group", and by the end of the year we were friends again, though not close.

Moving on through college and adulthood she has been one of my most cherished friends. We never talked specifically about the "break up" other than she did mention the period of her life when she was trying very hard to fit into the popular group as being her unhappiest. I never relished hearing that, never felt smug or that she got her due karma. I felt badly for her, because growing up is hard.

The adults on here hoping this girl will suffer one day are a-holes. Do not model them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG. So many of you are worse than teenagers. OP, I was blown off by my best friend in a cruel way at age 13 or so. It sucked, I cried a lot, and it would have helped if my parents had normalized the experience for me (sorry that happened, even friends make mistakes, relationships change) and encouraged me (she is the one making a mistake, this happens to lots of people and you will find your group again). I did recover and did find new wonderful friends. By senior year in high school previous best friend was hanging out with some people in my "friend group", and by the end of the year we were friends again, though not close.

Moving on through college and adulthood she has been one of my most cherished friends. We never talked specifically about the "break up" other than she did mention the period of her life when she was trying very hard to fit into the popular group as being her unhappiest. I never relished hearing that, never felt smug or that she got her due karma. I felt badly for her, because growing up is hard.

The adults on here hoping this girl will suffer one day are a-holes. Do not model them.

I don't want anything bad to happen to the girl, but I am willing to meet up with OP & her DD to toilet paper the birthday girl's house the night of the party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does you daughter have other friends?

Yes. But not others she considers best friends.

I mean, my “best friend” around the same age was the same way. She would ditch plans to go hang out with the cool girls if there was an opportunity. I still liked her and I was always resilient, and I knew the value of my other “less cool” friends. Truth be told when I saw how desperate my friend looked I really preferred to hang around with my “less cool” friends anyway. The popular kids got my friend in trouble a few times. To this day, I’m friends with my ex “best friend” only at arms’ length, and very close with my “less cool” friends whose friendship has stood the rest of time.

It’s just one of those growing up lessons on how you find out who your friends are. It’ll sting for awhile. Life will go on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG. So many of you are worse than teenagers. OP, I was blown off by my best friend in a cruel way at age 13 or so. It sucked, I cried a lot, and it would have helped if my parents had normalized the experience for me (sorry that happened, even friends make mistakes, relationships change) and encouraged me (she is the one making a mistake, this happens to lots of people and you will find your group again). I did recover and did find new wonderful friends. By senior year in high school previous best friend was hanging out with some people in my "friend group", and by the end of the year we were friends again, though not close.

Moving on through college and adulthood she has been one of my most cherished friends. We never talked specifically about the "break up" other than she did mention the period of her life when she was trying very hard to fit into the popular group as being her unhappiest. I never relished hearing that, never felt smug or that she got her due karma. I felt badly for her, because growing up is hard.

The adults on here hoping this girl will suffer one day are a-holes. Do not model them.

I don't want anything bad to happen to the girl, but I am willing to meet up with OP & her DD to toilet paper the birthday girl's house the night of the party.

OP here. Appreciate the sentiment. It stings even more because everyone at the party who dd knows, keeps asking her why she wasn't there and when she says she wasn't invited they tell her how weird that was.
At least the party is over now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was in your daughter's shoes. Honestly one of the best things my mom did was NOT go about it the adult way. She basically called her a bitch (didn't use the actual word), a status climber, etc. It really helped to just have her say what I was thinking but couldn't say. Then my mom helped me realize that this friend was a user and selfish. She used me for things like your daughter did for this friend, and the second she got a chance to move up the social ladder, she no longer needed me.

So yeah, I say don't go the sugar coating "it will all be ok " route. Just confirm with her that her former friend sucks.

Alll of this. And then curl up on the sofa for a marathon viewing of 13 Going on 30...and comment on how the former friend was trying to be the 7th Six Chick. And sure, she might get her way. But life is oh-so-much better in the end for girls who are kind and realize sooner rather than later what true friends are.

And then maybe watch Mean Girls for good measure.

OP's DD's former friend is the girl who buys army pants and flip flops because she saw Cady buying army pants and flip flops. It's not a good look.

[Anonymous]

Op, the night of the party....no social media. She’ll see it the next day or so but not that night. Gurls night out with fg her, movie, dinner, whatever. Just keep her away from the snaps and texts. Been there this is very important. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry OP.

My daughter hasn't gotten to this point yet - I know she was excluded from a couple of birthday parties this year (she's 12) but it didn't seem to faze her b/c she'd been growing away from some of those girls.

Would your daughter be comfortable talking to her "friend"? I know we've all been brought up not to have that sort of conversation (i.e. - it's not polite), but this is different IMO.

I wouldn't force the issue, but if she's open to it, I'd role play with her. It's good for her to learn to stand up for herself and not be afraid of conflict when it's warranted.

Just my $.02

I'm sorry...but I honestly don't understand this approach. What is there to say? Why invite the awkwardness of stating what is already obviously a clear message of "yeah, I preferred to celebrate my birthday with these new friends to the exclusion of you"
Is this going to help OP's DD have clarity? Is there something that the friend could possibly say that would make this...better? Best case scenario she will say something like "sorry...I just didn't think you really fit in with the rest of that group so I didn't think you'd want to come..." which is pretty crappy even if true. Because bottom line is that the birthday girl picked these new friends over the DD.

Move on. Don't confront on matters like this. Take your cue and minimize the interactions. You don't have to do it angrily. But there is no need for a conversation about this unless the point is it make the birthday girl have to say "i'm sorry" (she clearly isn't) and force her to offer some lame explanation that could end up rubbing more salt in the wound.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG. So many of you are worse than teenagers. OP, I was blown off by my best friend in a cruel way at age 13 or so. It sucked, I cried a lot, and it would have helped if my parents had normalized the experience for me (sorry that happened, even friends make mistakes, relationships change) and encouraged me (she is the one making a mistake, this happens to lots of people and you will find your group again). I did recover and did find new wonderful friends. By senior year in high school previous best friend was hanging out with some people in my "friend group", and by the end of the year we were friends again, though not close.

Moving on through college and adulthood she has been one of my most cherished friends. We never talked specifically about the "break up" other than she did mention the period of her life when she was trying very hard to fit into the popular group as being her unhappiest. I never relished hearing that, never felt smug or that she got her due karma. I felt badly for her, because growing up is hard.

The adults on here hoping this girl will suffer one day are a-holes. Do not model them.

I don't want anything bad to happen to the girl, but I am willing to meet up with OP & her DD to toilet paper the birthday girl's house the night of the party.

Ha! This made me laugh because in the part of the country where I grew up, people only did this as a show of affection to people they liked! It actually would have been sad to have been the kid in my high school who never had your house TPd at least twice a year by friends or a guy who liked you and his friends!

[Anonymous]

Oh man, I thought this stuff calmed down by high school; at least, it did for me and that’s what I keep telling my middle school DD. Ugh!!

[Anonymous]

Wow - I can’t believe no one said this but it sounds like the kid and your dd drifted apart before the party. The reason for it stinks (she’s going after the popular crowd) but I bet if you looked for it, you’d find lots of examples in the weeks before the party: didn’t respond to texts, responded but not wordy, didn’t communicate as often, didn’t call, calls but they were short, didn’t ask to get together.

The birthday girl may have been limited with whom she could invite and she asked her newer friends. It stinks but it may or may not be the end of the friendship. Your dd should be guarded with this gal and look for LOTS of different friends. You’re hearing all this from your dd’s Perspective obviously but there may be two sides. Maybe your dd was clingy. Maybe these other girls are really nice. Maybe something happened with the girls and your dd doesn’t even know the friend felt slighted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG. So many of you are worse than teenagers. OP, I was blown off by my best friend in a cruel way at age 13 or so. It sucked, I cried a lot, and it would have helped if my parents had normalized the experience for me (sorry that happened, even friends make mistakes, relationships change) and encouraged me (she is the one making a mistake, this happens to lots of people and you will find your group again). I did recover and did find new wonderful friends. By senior year in high school previous best friend was hanging out with some people in my "friend group", and by the end of the year we were friends again, though not close.

Moving on through college and adulthood she has been one of my most cherished friends. We never talked specifically about the "break up" other than she did mention the period of her life when she was trying very hard to fit into the popular group as being her unhappiest. I never relished hearing that, never felt smug or that she got her due karma. I felt badly for her, because growing up is hard.

The adults on here hoping this girl will suffer one day are a-holes. Do not model them.

I don't want anything bad to happen to the girl, but I am willing to meet up with OP & her DD to toilet paper the birthday girl's house the night of the party.

Toilet papering is meant for people you like to show them they are part of the group or to help them celebrate.

Get with the times, grandma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG. So many of you are worse than teenagers. OP, I was blown off by my best friend in a cruel way at age 13 or so. It sucked, I cried a lot, and it would have helped if my parents had normalized the experience for me (sorry that happened, even friends make mistakes, relationships change) and encouraged me (she is the one making a mistake, this happens to lots of people and you will find your group again). I did recover and did find new wonderful friends. By senior year in high school previous best friend was hanging out with some people in my "friend group", and by the end of the year we were friends again, though not close.

Moving on through college and adulthood she has been one of my most cherished friends. We never talked specifically about the "break up" other than she did mention the period of her life when she was trying very hard to fit into the popular group as being her unhappiest. I never relished hearing that, never felt smug or that she got her due karma. I felt badly for her, because growing up is hard.

The adults on here hoping this girl will suffer one day are a-holes. Do not model them.

I don't want anything bad to happen to the girl, but I am willing to meet up with OP & her DD to toilet paper the birthday girl's house the night of the party.

Ha! This made me laugh because in the part of the country where I grew up, people only did this as a show of affection to people they liked! It actually would have been sad to have been the kid in my high school who never had your house TPd at least twice a year by friends or a guy who liked you and his friends!

Yes!

She must be old if she things toilet papering is an insult.