Breaking it with the AP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone just dumped by my AP in a kind of b.s. way that left the door open, I would be completely honest with the guy and tell him exactly what you told us. I cannot tell you much I would have appreciated complete transparency.
Anyway, your guy is single. He'll have no problem finding sex elsewhere.
Good luck. I'm working on my marriage now and it is so hard. It's like drug withdrawal.

How long did it last? And did you only decide to work on your marriage because you were dumped? So really, how hard are you working on it?[/

Only about two months. He was single and got a girlfriend so I knew it was a possibility but he never came out and gave that as the reason. Honestly yeah probably working on my marriage because I got dumped. But I also need to figure out why I had the daliance in the first place. The sex with the AP was off the hook. Best of my long experienced life sadly. I miss it terribly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This place is so full of cheaters... Gross

+1. I’m usually pretty good about ignoring the cheating posts but lately they just seem to be turning my stomach.

A lot of them are probably made up or embellished.

[Anonymous]

Tell him what you told us, that you want to work on your marriage. he probably won't care especially if the sex is only once a month. It's not likely he is only having sex once a month with you.

I once had an AP who tearfully told me we had to end it because she wanted to work on her marriage, her alcoholic husband was going to try, etc. I felt bad for her and knew that would last maybe 2 weeks. I was right.

She wanted back about a month later when I already had someone new and she knew that. We got together a few times but then she got really angry with me for having the other AP even though I reminded her that she broke up with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone just dumped by my AP in a kind of b.s. way that left the door open, I would be completely honest with the guy and tell him exactly what you told us. I cannot tell you much I would have appreciated complete transparency.
Anyway, your guy is single. He'll have no problem finding sex elsewhere.
Good luck. I'm working on my marriage now and it is so hard. It's like drug withdrawal.

You can cut the irony with a knife. I bet your spouse would've liked that transparency as well before you cheated.

[Anonymous]

Is this an AP that you claimed to love, had a deep emotional connection with, etc? Or more of a FWB?

FWBs are easier. I simpler told mine that while I loved the sex, I was getting scared about the impact on my family and I wanted to focus on being a good wife for a while. He amicably agreed, and we went our separate ways. We still work together and are cordial, even kind of friendly, after many years. Every once in a while we exchange a glance and a wink, and it's just enough to remind me of what once was. But he clearly has no expectations. He's dated other women and appears to be serious with one now.

It's harder when real feelings are involved. I told that guy the same thing. He went a little obsessive, made a point of avoiding me so completely that others were starting to notice. He eventually changed jobs - I don't think 100% because of me, but I have to believe I was a factor based on the deep conversation he used to tell me he was leaving town. I'm sorry for that, but he should have known that getting involved with a married women was not going to last!

Thankfully, none of them every tried to blow up my job or my marriage. Choose wisely, avoid the crazies. Keep the breakup plain, simple, "it's not you, it's me", and don't leave any doors open for hope of future rekindling.

(Don't bother lecturing. I know I'm a skank. I've been reformed for many, many years. Just trying to give some practical advice from a BTDT).

[Anonymous]

Well, it’s not a burning romance of destiny if it consists of “hooking up like once a month.” Just tell him you’re done. He’s probably getting tired of you, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this an AP that you claimed to love, had a deep emotional connection with, etc? Or more of a FWB?

FWBs are easier. I simpler told mine that while I loved the sex, I was getting scared about the impact on my family and I wanted to focus on being a good wife for a while. He amicably agreed, and we went our separate ways. We still work together and are cordial, even kind of friendly, after many years. Every once in a while we exchange a glance and a wink, and it's just enough to remind me of what once was. But he clearly has no expectations. He's dated other women and appears to be serious with one now.

It's harder when real feelings are involved. I told that guy the same thing. He went a little obsessive, made a point of avoiding me so completely that others were starting to notice. He eventually changed jobs - I don't think 100% because of me, but I have to believe I was a factor based on the deep conversation he used to tell me he was leaving town. I'm sorry for that, but he should have known that getting involved with a married women was not going to last!

Thankfully, none of them every tried to blow up my job or my marriage. Choose wisely, avoid the crazies. Keep the breakup plain, simple, "it's not you, it's me", and don't leave any doors open for hope of future rekindling.

(Don't bother lecturing. I know I'm a skank. I've been reformed for many, many years. Just trying to give some practical advice from a BTDT).

Op here. Thanks PP. I think I have more feelings for him than he has for me. I just can't predict how he will behave at work, will possibly completely ignore me and yes that will look a little strange.

[Anonymous]

Think you have to be honest with yourself as to why you're breaking this up.

As pointed out, you described your affair as "hooking up once a month" but then admitted to having more feelings for him that he may have for you.

Are you really ending this to focus on your marriage or to manipulate this guy into revealng his feelings for you, if any?

You have a lot more to lose if this guy doesn't like being dumped. It may be easier to just not hook up for a few and see if he even cares that you're no longer dtf.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone just dumped by my AP in a kind of b.s. way that left the door open, I would be completely honest with the guy and tell him exactly what you told us. I cannot tell you much I would have appreciated complete transparency.
Anyway, your guy is single. He'll have no problem finding sex elsewhere.
Good luck. I'm working on my marriage now and it is so hard. It's like drug withdrawal.

You can cut the irony with a knife. I bet your spouse would've liked that transparency as well before you cheated.

Exactly my thought too. Hilarious that a cheater would have appreciated complete transparency after living a life of lies and deceit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This place is so full of cheaters... Gross

+1. I’m usually pretty good about ignoring the cheating posts but lately they just seem to be turning my stomach.

It's not "this place" him and are monogamous in concept only. Socially we are forcing something unnatural and naturally people will engage in sex with people other than their partners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone just dumped by my AP in a kind of b.s. way that left the door open, I would be completely honest with the guy and tell him exactly what you told us. I cannot tell you much I would have appreciated complete transparency.
Anyway, your guy is single. He'll have no problem finding sex elsewhere.
Good luck. I'm working on my marriage now and it is so hard. It's like drug withdrawal.

You can cut the irony with a knife. I bet your spouse would've liked that transparency as well before you cheated.

Exactly my thought too. Hilarious that a cheater would have appreciated complete transparency after living a life of lies and deceit.

Why don't you simply stay away if this is so offensive and you have nothing constructive to offer? This is a community to people trying to help each other by sharing experiences and lessons learned. Go back to being snarky at your mid-level management job you've I'm sure had for many years (and don't realize the connection between my observation and that fact).

I've had a number of APs in this area who all describe their SOs in just the way that would cause the above reactions. So high on your horse and ready to criticize as that would never happen to perfect you. Might want to take a closer inventory . . . And, please bug off this forum before you do

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this an AP that you claimed to love, had a deep emotional connection with, etc? Or more of a FWB?

FWBs are easier. I simpler told mine that while I loved the sex, I was getting scared about the impact on my family and I wanted to focus on being a good wife for a while. He amicably agreed, and we went our separate ways. We still work together and are cordial, even kind of friendly, after many years. Every once in a while we exchange a glance and a wink, and it's just enough to remind me of what once was. But he clearly has no expectations. He's dated other women and appears to be serious with one now.

It's harder when real feelings are involved. I told that guy the same thing. He went a little obsessive, made a point of avoiding me so completely that others were starting to notice. He eventually changed jobs - I don't think 100% because of me, but I have to believe I was a factor based on the deep conversation he used to tell me he was leaving town. I'm sorry for that, but he should have known that getting involved with a married women was not going to last!

Thankfully, none of them every tried to blow up my job or my marriage. Choose wisely, avoid the crazies. Keep the breakup plain, simple, "it's not you, it's me", and don't leave any doors open for hope of future rekindling.

(Don't bother lecturing. I know I'm a skank. I've been reformed for many, many years. Just trying to give some practical advice from a BTDT).

Op here. Thanks PP. I think I have more feelings for him than he has for me. I just can't predict how he will behave at work, will possibly completely ignore me and yes that will look a little strange.

Not the PP you're responding to.
The fact you work together is something most posters kept missing here. Your breaking off this FWB or affair or whatever is going to cause issues at work even if he's cool with it and any awkwardness is in your own head. It's still awkward at best and a potential job-killer or even a career-ended at worst. Does he have any say over your work assignments, work products, travel, promotion, evaluations, or can he just affect your ability to get things done? Do YOU have any say over HIS work etc.? Even if you are peers and think neither of you affects or evaluates or signs off on the other's work--can you really carry on in the same office as an ex-AP? And do so while "focusing on the marriage"?

The expression that comes up on DCUM is "You don't [defecate] where you eat." A coworker affair is doing exactly that. I know that ship has sailed; and it's good that you want to end it and be faithful. But if you think you can do that while working with the AP (for whom you have feelings so it's not just about sex)--you're either naive or magically stronger than most anyone. Heed the PP above whose AP made things difficult and noticeable to others when he avoided her at work. This is going to show unless both he and you are stone cold at work. I'd be job-hunting to remove the temptation and start fresh to have a clean slate for my marriage work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell him you are leaving your h for him and you will never hear him again.

As a man who when I was single was sleeping with a married mom of two, this would absolutely work on me to ghost immediately!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone just dumped by my AP in a kind of b.s. way that left the door open, I would be completely honest with the guy and tell him exactly what you told us. I cannot tell you much I would have appreciated complete transparency.
Anyway, your guy is single. He'll have no problem finding sex elsewhere.
Good luck. I'm working on my marriage now and it is so hard. It's like drug withdrawal.

You can cut the irony with a knife. I bet your spouse would've liked that transparency as well before you cheated.

Exactly my thought too. Hilarious that a cheater would have appreciated complete transparency after living a life of lies and deceit.

Why don't you simply stay away if this is so offensive and you have nothing constructive to offer? This is a community to people trying to help each other by sharing experiences and lessons learned. Go back to being snarky at your mid-level management job you've I'm sure had for many years (and don't realize the connection between my observation and that fact).

I've had a number of APs in this area who all describe their SOs in just the way that would cause the above reactions. So high on your horse and ready to criticize as that would never happen to perfect you. Might want to take a closer inventory . . . And, please bug off this forum before you do

I guess you're proud of being a serial cheater?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone just dumped by my AP in a kind of b.s. way that left the door open, I would be completely honest with the guy and tell him exactly what you told us. I cannot tell you much I would have appreciated complete transparency.
Anyway, your guy is single. He'll have no problem finding sex elsewhere.
Good luck. I'm working on my marriage now and it is so hard. It's like drug withdrawal.

You can cut the irony with a knife. I bet your spouse would've liked that transparency as well before you cheated.

Exactly my thought too. Hilarious that a cheater would have appreciated complete transparency after living a life of lies and deceit.

Why don't you simply stay away if this is so offensive and you have nothing constructive to offer? This is a community to people trying to help each other by sharing experiences and lessons learned. Go back to being snarky at your mid-level management job you've I'm sure had for many years (and don't realize the connection between my observation and that fact).

I've had a number of APs in this area who all describe their SOs in just the way that would cause the above reactions. So high on your horse and ready to criticize as that would never happen to perfect you. Might want to take a closer inventory . . . And, please bug off this forum before you do

I guess you're proud of being a serial cheater?

Maybe mid-level manger was a stretch for you; but glad my comments struck a chord, snarky. Didn't say I was cheating. Again, maybe inventory your own relationship.