Reply to My parents treat me like I'm 5...I'm 39

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I actually feel bad for your mom (and I'm in my 30s with young kids, and don't have a great mom or MIL myself).

She's obviously trying to help, even if she's doing it in a patronizing way.  Seriously, there are worse things.  You need to learn how to let things roll off you a little more easily, and to see the intention beneath her comments, which, it seems to me, is good.  PLENTY of mothers of adult children make comments all the time with straight up BAD intentions.  So be grateful for what you have.[/quote]

Have you ever actually experienced this type of thing for years on end? [/quote]

+1. It’s easy to say let it roll off; it’s a different matter when that’s been the dynamic for years. It’s damaging to one’s self-esteem.[/quote]

NP, but it’s damaging to ones self esteem because that person refuses to adopt a healthy adult role, and instead chooses to maintain a helpless child like role. Establish and Asserting kind and healthy boundaries is normal in positive and healthy adult relationships. The fact that many of these posters “can’t” just demonstrates that they don’t view themselves as an adult in the relationship, as much as their parents don’t. No one can “make you” feel a certain way. You agree to feeling that way if you continue to let them treat you the way that makes you feel that way.

If you’re a grown person, living your own life, and feel like your parents are still impacting your self esteem, it may be time to get some therapy. [/quote]

I agree that therapy might be able to help her set boundaries, but blaming her for being the person that her parents’ abuse shaped her into isn’t exactly fair. Some people are able to rise above it without much help, and great for them, but most people get beaten down and have trouble fighting back. That’s why verbal and emotional abuse is so effective. You’re basically victim blaming her for not being able to stand up to her mom, when her mom has spent almost 4 decades conditioning her to behave a certain way. [/quote]

Agree - it makes no sense to blame someone for developing into the person their parents raised them to be - the kind of person who doesn't establish and assert healthy boundaries because they've never been allowed or taught to do so. These posters "can't" because they really can't. It's not a capability they have.

Yes to therapy for OP and anyone who's dealing with this issue, but no to the blame. Victim blaming is wrong and damaging.[/quote]

DP. I don’t see the “blame”. Sooner or later, you have to take hold of your life. No one else is responsible for that. OP seems to know that her parents don’t treat her equitably, but isn’t doing a thing about it.

It’s not her fault, but it’s her issue that she’s allowed it to perpetuate 20 years into adulthood. [/quote]

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