MILs obsession with cooking with me

[Anonymous]

They are visiting for a few WEEKS?! If this were me, the only way I do this is if DH joins MIL and me. My DH does most of the cooking when his family visits because it’s his family and that’s fair; he also doesn’t want me to hate his family visiting. I do more of the driving around to places because I understand it’s hard to be stuck at someone else’s house so i don’t mind doing it...

My DH is sports watching, beer drinking man that grew up in a ‘traditional’ home where my FIL has never ever done the dishes. You don’t have to do it the same way! But the key is your DH.

[Anonymous]

I can’t believe the posters bitching about the OP! She said she would do it so she is allowed to come here and vent. Why is she required to keep up traditions when her husband sounds like a lazy ass slob. He doesn’t even teach their daughter the language in a consistent basis. If it isn’t important to him, why should should the OP care? Make his lazy ass get up and cook with his mother.

[Anonymous]

I'm really curious about what this multistep kitchen destroying recipe is!

[Anonymous]

Sounds to me like OP married someone who is a naturalized American and whose mother comes to visit from the "old country". In MIL's world, the women do the cooking, homekeeping and child-rearing. However, OP's situation is not traditional in that she makes 80% of the HHI and they have an American home where the duties and chores are shared.

MIL is passing down her family cooking traditions through her DIL as she was raised. In her world, daughters and daughters-in-laws are the ones who carry on the home traditions including cooking. So she insists that DIL (OP) does this. Yes, she taught OP this the last visit, but in her mind, if since OP doesn't make it regularly, it's because she doesn't know how, not because she doesn't prioritize making a homemade version of the family tradition. So, MIL will try and teach OP again to do this task, which she views as an important tradition.

OP, I'm sorry that you are going through this. I understand it as my parents are Chinese immigrants. Fortunately, they met in the US when they were young and married and had their children here. Over the last 60 years, they've learned enough about American styles and traditions that they adapt their cultural traditions to our lives. My mother still remarks regularly that she can't understand how her two boys (I'm 53 and my brother is 60) are the ones who carry on the cooking tradition (my mother was a Chinese cooking instructor when we were young) and her daughter (my sister is 58) can burn water. My sister can barely cook herself dinner with a microwave. I know a number of long time family friends, in similar situations, whose mother's, although in the US, are still tradition bound and want their daughters and DILs to be the cooks and to pass on their traditional family dishes.

I'm glad that you are being kind and going along with her traditions and letting her have her way. If she only visit infrequently, it is the cordial thing to do and you get karma stars for doing it. Please feel free to come here and vent, so that you can face your MIL with a smile for the duration and send her home happy. Even if you have to throw away the frozen food later to make room for food your family will eat regularly, you're doing a good thing. Or you can tell your husband that he needs to cook and eat the frozen food to clear out the freezer that his mother packed. It's the least he can do, since you were good enough to take the lesson and make the food with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds to me like OP married someone who is a naturalized American and whose mother comes to visit from the "old country". In MIL's world, the women do the cooking, homekeeping and child-rearing. However, OP's situation is not traditional in that she makes 80% of the HHI and they have an American home where the duties and chores are shared.

MIL is passing down her family cooking traditions through her DIL as she was raised. In her world, daughters and daughters-in-laws are the ones who carry on the home traditions including cooking. So she insists that DIL (OP) does this. Yes, she taught OP this the last visit, but in her mind, if since OP doesn't make it regularly, it's because she doesn't know how, not because she doesn't prioritize making a homemade version of the family tradition. So, MIL will try and teach OP again to do this task, which she views as an important tradition.

OP, I'm sorry that you are going through this. I understand it as my parents are Chinese immigrants. Fortunately, they met in the US when they were young and married and had their children here. Over the last 60 years, they've learned enough about American styles and traditions that they adapt their cultural traditions to our lives. My mother still remarks regularly that she can't understand how her two boys (I'm 53 and my brother is 60) are the ones who carry on the cooking tradition (my mother was a Chinese cooking instructor when we were young) and her daughter (my sister is 58) can burn water. My sister can barely cook herself dinner with a microwave. I know a number of long time family friends, in similar situations, whose mother's, although in the US, are still tradition bound and want their daughters and DILs to be the cooks and to pass on their traditional family dishes.

I'm glad that you are being kind and going along with her traditions and letting her have her way. If she only visit infrequently, it is the cordial thing to do and you get karma stars for doing it. Please feel free to come here and vent, so that you can face your MIL with a smile for the duration and send her home happy. Even if you have to throw away the frozen food later to make room for food your family will eat regularly, you're doing a good thing. Or you can tell your husband that he needs to cook and eat the frozen food to clear out the freezer that his mother packed. It's the least he can do, since you were good enough to take the lesson and make the food with her.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s trying to pass on a tradition. Suck it up.

Doormat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm really curious about what this multistep kitchen destroying recipe is!

I don't know about OP but my Russian MIL will take over the kitchen and prepare mountains of sauerkraut, pierogi, Napoleons, breads and so on. I love her to bits but it always looks like a bomb went off. Fortunately my job is limited to cleanup.

[Anonymous]

OP: It’s time to stop with the high level hosting and integrate them into your household routines. Tell DH if he wants an above and beyond experience for his parents, he can do it!

And, today, tell him th bulk cooking project is on him, since you’re dealing with this cold and have been working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know it isn’t actually about the food, right? It’s about her understanding of what family and tradition means, and her desire to continue a tradition that is precious to her and means family or ethnic identity or whatever. She knows your DH doesn’t care, so she is putting it on you. You have three fine choices: engage cheerfully, knowing it is a gift to you MIL, not to you; talk frankly with DH and say he needs to do it with his mom instead; or tell you MIL as gently but clearly as you can that you don’t want to continue this food tradition, and you don’t want to learn. Just remember it isn’t about food at all.

+1. It's not about the food itself.

OP here, and I do understand this. I’m just tired of the burden being on me. I have my own family’s traditions to pass along, and I’m constantly having to actively encourage DH to pass his on. We travel annually to “home country”, and I’m the one buying books in that language, or finding cultural things we can bring home, and getting DD to try the food. At home, DH doesn’t speak the language with DD until like two weeks before his parents come, and then he’s obsessed with her learning it NOW, rather than teaching her bit by bit.

I’m the one, ahead of this visit that sought out several dishes they always talk about but never make, and made them as a surprise. DH complained about this that and the other... his parents were thrilled.

Again, I just don’t want to stock my freezer, and spend my few days that I actually get off, making this dish. I will, I shall, and I’ll smile the whole time, but it shouldn’t be on me to carry, and I’m frustrated. I think I’ve been pretty accommodating, but being told I HAVE to do something is my sticking point.

Your Mil sounds just like my Indian MIL!

[Anonymous]

Can't there be a compromise? Cook with her for ONE meal, but no stocking up of the freezer. Make up a reason if you have to. Frequent power outages etc.

[Anonymous]

Is it possible to have your husband join and translate and write down the recipes. This may ease your MIL’s mind that your kids will have access to this info when she passes. And you never know, this may be important to them as they become adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds to me like OP married someone who is a naturalized American and whose mother comes to visit from the "old country". In MIL's world, the women do the cooking, homekeeping and child-rearing. However, OP's situation is not traditional in that she makes 80% of the HHI and they have an American home where the duties and chores are shared.

MIL is passing down her family cooking traditions through her DIL as she was raised. In her world, daughters and daughters-in-laws are the ones who carry on the home traditions including cooking. So she insists that DIL (OP) does this. Yes, she taught OP this the last visit, but in her mind, if since OP doesn't make it regularly, it's because she doesn't know how, not because she doesn't prioritize making a homemade version of the family tradition. So, MIL will try and teach OP again to do this task, which she views as an important tradition.

OP, I'm sorry that you are going through this. I understand it as my parents are Chinese immigrants. Fortunately, they met in the US when they were young and married and had their children here. Over the last 60 years, they've learned enough about American styles and traditions that they adapt their cultural traditions to our lives. My mother still remarks regularly that she can't understand how her two boys (I'm 53 and my brother is 60) are the ones who carry on the cooking tradition (my mother was a Chinese cooking instructor when we were young) and her daughter (my sister is 58) can burn water. My sister can barely cook herself dinner with a microwave. I know a number of long time family friends, in similar situations, whose mother's, although in the US, are still tradition bound and want their daughters and DILs to be the cooks and to pass on their traditional family dishes.

I'm glad that you are being kind and going along with her traditions and letting her have her way. If she only visit infrequently, it is the cordial thing to do and you get karma stars for doing it. Please feel free to come here and vent, so that you can face your MIL with a smile for the duration and send her home happy. Even if you have to throw away the frozen food later to make room for food your family will eat regularly, you're doing a good thing. Or you can tell your husband that he needs to cook and eat the frozen food to clear out the freezer that his mother packed. It's the least he can do, since you were good enough to take the lesson and make the food with her.

+1

+1. I also like the idea of making a video recording for whomever wants to make the dish in the furure(your daughter or DH, perhaps), but mainly for your MIL, who is clearly anxious about preserving the family tradition and cultural identity. Clearly your DH doesn’t make it a priority, and unfortunately, your MIL has you as her last resort. It probably feels disrespectful of your own family/cultural traditions (I know I get upset when my in laws assume I will take on their traditions), but as my children get older and more aware of their biracial identity and cultural heritages, I would have loved to have a video of their grandmother sharing something important to her.

[Anonymous]

Fill up your freezer with other stuff that you will eat. When they come, you will have limited space so can’t cook too much extra of whatever MIL wants you to make.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to adjust your attitude.

Why?

NP here.

Sounds like MIL is trying hard, and DIL should be kinder hearted. That said, I'd just about lose my $hit if I had to deal with stocking a freezer with someone. I am a very good cook, but I hate it. All that togetherness while doing an activity I hate.... days in the kitchen.... it would be too much for me.

[Anonymous]

I make several of my grandmothers recipes. My family has a ton of allergies so I make most food from scratch. Wouldn't that be nice if you also had her write or record the recipe for you daughter?