MILs obsession with cooking with me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know it isn’t actually about the food, right? It’s about her understanding of what family and tradition means, and her desire to continue a tradition that is precious to her and means family or ethnic identity or whatever. She knows your DH doesn’t care, so she is putting it on you. You have three fine choices: engage cheerfully, knowing it is a gift to you MIL, not to you; talk frankly with DH and say he needs to do it with his mom instead; or tell you MIL as gently but clearly as you can that you don’t want to continue this food tradition, and you don’t want to learn. Just remember it isn’t about food at all.

+1. It's not about the food itself.

[Anonymous]

She’s trying to pass on a tradition. Suck it up.

[Anonymous]

OP- she's annoying. You should cut her off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know it isn’t actually about the food, right? It’s about her understanding of what family and tradition means, and her desire to continue a tradition that is precious to her and means family or ethnic identity or whatever. She knows your DH doesn’t care, so she is putting it on you. You have three fine choices: engage cheerfully, knowing it is a gift to you MIL, not to you; talk frankly with DH and say he needs to do it with his mom instead; or tell you MIL as gently but clearly as you can that you don’t want to continue this food tradition, and you don’t want to learn. Just remember it isn’t about food at all.

+1. It's not about the food itself.

OP here, and I do understand this. I’m just tired of the burden being on me. I have my own family’s traditions to pass along, and I’m constantly having to actively encourage DH to pass his on. We travel annually to “home country”, and I’m the one buying books in that language, or finding cultural things we can bring home, and getting DD to try the food. At home, DH doesn’t speak the language with DD until like two weeks before his parents come, and then he’s obsessed with her learning it NOW, rather than teaching her bit by bit.

I’m the one, ahead of this visit that sought out several dishes they always talk about but never make, and made them as a surprise. DH complained about this that and the other... his parents were thrilled.

Again, I just don’t want to stock my freezer, and spend my few days that I actually get off, making this dish. I will, I shall, and I’ll smile the whole time, but it shouldn’t be on me to carry, and I’m frustrated. I think I’ve been pretty accommodating, but being told I HAVE to do something is my sticking point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s trying to pass on a tradition. Suck it up.

She passed it on already last visit. And when we visited her. I KNOW how to do this, I just choose other things.

[Anonymous]

It's ok to vent here. You are a good person. When will DD be old enough to cook with grandma? Heeeeheee

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's ok to vent here. You are a good person. When will DD be old enough to cook with grandma? Heeeeheee

+1

[Anonymous]

OP-you sound very rigid and resentful and your plan to smile while you accomodate her adds to the wall you’re already reinforcing between yourself and this woman who raised your DH and is grandmother to your DC.

Why don’t you suggest that DH (or your FIL) videos your MIL cooking this with you? I realize you say its a long and involved process but if you record the highlights of the process-your MIL can feel that it’s being preserved and then your child at some point when your MIL is dead or unable can see beyond your filter and disengagement and perhaps find the depth of tradition and connection tgeir father’s mother was trying to gift them.

[Anonymous]

You sound like a nice person, OP. Maybe after they leave you can have a dinner party and serve the food item, to clear out your fridge. And if you’ve done it this visit hopefully that buys you out of having to do it again. Plan what you’ll say next year when MIL wants to do it “because now it’s our annual tradition!”

[Anonymous]

i can give you my address and you can send us the frozen dish

you seem nice. your MIL seems a bit annoying and traditional but not crazily so. it's really your DH that creates most of the problem here as he seems uninterested in making an effort to pass on his culture, but his parents expect it (which i think is kind of understandable). you handle this well and feel free to vent more

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I got married my mother-in-law came to visit and brought me a whole stack of what she thought were my husband’s favorite recipes. I told her I’d be sure to give them to him and that apparently wasn’t the right answer. I don’t cook. I don’t enjoy cooking. And that’s shocking to her, because I have a vagina and am supposed to take care of my man (despite also being lead parent of our three kids and earning 80 percent of our income).

I also find it very rude that your MIL decided how you were going to use your time. For a guest to come into your home and announce that you, her host, are doing something - THAT is rude. She should ASK.

Pull the stick out of your butt Esther, MIL is trying to share and bond, not take over world , it's cooking not the Handmaid's Tale.OP just needs to tell her that they will make a little and not a lot.
Maybe MIL's obsession is more about including her in a family tradition and passing something down with love than her assumed sexism.

[Anonymous]

Jeez, so you MIL came to visit you and is excited about it, or about cooking with you...Did you overact your enthusiasm a bit previously? She is trying to find common interests and thinks this is it, apart from redirecting to a different activity and still making a few dishes together,(why is that a big deal?) or letting her make it while you "watch" how is this a bad thing at all? U suspect this is yet another control issue, you are cooking, in your house and nobody else...She didn't decide anything, she is trying to find common ground. Daughters in law.... relax for crying out loud, by tomorrow MIL might not be into it at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DIL is upstairs in the guest room sleeping. When she wakes up I’m going to tell her again how wonderful she is and how much I appreciate her. These threads always make me so sad. I’m grateful I don’t have a DIL like the OP.

+1 and I’m a DIL

This is no big deal. It is about tradition and passing along to next generations. I make a point of doing this with my MIL not because I am a woman, but because it’s important to her and it’s a way I can show her that I care.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, it's annoying but I don't think you're getting out of it entirely, as you know. However, I do think it's time to drag DH into it. Make him work with the two of you, and slowly move yourself to the periphery. If MIL tries to suck you back in, just say something like, "Oh, I remember this part from last time. Show Dave, though!" BTW, why are you getting up early to be the hostess with the mostress if you're working and DH is off? Let him handle it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's ok to vent here. You are a good person. When will DD be old enough to cook with grandma? Heeeeheee

Sexism alert!

My grandsons love to cook with me, maybe partly because my son/their father does most of the family cooking. DIL isn't much for cooking, and your or OP's daughters may not be either.