God grant me patience and peace today -- we're separating in a week or so

[Anonymous]

Since that agreement I have discovered her affair and many intimate and painful details about it.

Intimate and painful details, you say? Whyntcha lay a few of 'em on us...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry. How did you find out?

She didn’t cover her tracks nearly as well as she thought. Then I got into their WhatsApp chats. I know when, where and have hired a private investigator to prove it.

what's point of that ?

Sorry! Did she leave her chats on her phone? Did you see them on the phone? Surprised she did not delete them!

At fault may mean no alimony for her. but would not affect child support or child custody.

[Anonymous]

No OP! Don’t provide details. Not if you are building a case.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I think you should. NOW.

[Anonymous]

This sucks op but play the smart game. That means do NOT Badmouth her, when your kids ask, cry, complain, rage about her. Start family therapy with you and the kids. The truth will out but it’s better if it’s not from you. Always take the high road and let her crazy shine out in contrast to your stability. Good luck, next Christmas will be better.

[Anonymous]

OP are you sure "fault" matters in VA? When I divorced I was basicall told my spouse's adultery didn't matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry. How did you find out?

She didn’t cover her tracks nearly as well as she thought. Then I got into their WhatsApp chats. I know when, where and have hired a private investigator to prove it.

what's point of that ?

Leverage. Adultery can affect alimony.

It absolutely doesn’t in the District

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry for both OP and the poster who just found out their spouse would be leaving them in the New Year. I have no advice on how to handle it, I've never been in that position, but I have had a very painful Christmas in the past for other reasons, and it's so hard.

I truly believe it's the most difficult time of the year to be unhappy, as all that's being projected from everyone else is total joy, and there is an obligation to "fake it" that wouldn't exist if the same circumstances were occurring in say, August.

Wishing you both a fresh start in the new year and a Christmas 2019 that is much, much better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sucks op but play the smart game. That means do NOT Badmouth her, when your kids ask, cry, complain, rage about her. Start family therapy with you and the kids. The truth will out but it’s better if it’s not from you. Always take the high road and let her crazy shine out in contrast to your stability. Good luck, next Christmas will be better.

Agreed. I found out my DW was having an affair in September but it really started in July of this year. It is an emotional rollercoaster at times and I had to verify with a PI to have concrete evidence. I had to fake it during her birthday, the kids functions, and the holidays. Amazing to see my spouse of over 18 years just become a pathological liar. The evidence collected contradict her lies to me and our children. From weekend outings supposedly with her friends, to work related trips, and even to family gatherings that she lies to her own parents to meet with her AP (who is married as well). From experience, it will be difficult (trust me) but you have to focus on the kids because they are smart enough to know that your DW has done something that has impacted their family. She is extremely selfish. You will be the strong dependent parent that your kids will count on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sucks op but play the smart game. That means do NOT Badmouth her, when your kids ask, cry, complain, rage about her. Start family therapy with you and the kids. The truth will out but it’s better if it’s not from you. Always take the high road and let her crazy shine out in contrast to your stability. Good luck, next Christmas will be better.

Agreed. I found out my DW was having an affair in September but it really started in July of this year. It is an emotional rollercoaster at times and I had to verify with a PI to have concrete evidence. I had to fake it during her birthday, the kids functions, and the holidays. Amazing to see my spouse of over 18 years just become a pathological liar. The evidence collected contradict her lies to me and our children. From weekend outings supposedly with her friends, to work related trips, and even to family gatherings that she lies to her own parents to meet with her AP (who is married as well). From experience, it will be difficult (trust me) but you have to focus on the kids because they are smart enough to know that your DW has done something that has impacted their family. She is extremely selfish. You will be the strong dependent parent that your kids will count on.

OP here. How old are your kids and what is your relationship with them now? Who has physical custody?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sucks op but play the smart game. That means do NOT Badmouth her, when your kids ask, cry, complain, rage about her. Start family therapy with you and the kids. The truth will out but it’s better if it’s not from you. Always take the high road and let her crazy shine out in contrast to your stability. Good luck, next Christmas will be better.

Agreed. I found out my DW was having an affair in September but it really started in July of this year. It is an emotional rollercoaster at times and I had to verify with a PI to have concrete evidence. I had to fake it during her birthday, the kids functions, and the holidays. Amazing to see my spouse of over 18 years just become a pathological liar. The evidence collected contradict her lies to me and our children. From weekend outings supposedly with her friends, to work related trips, and even to family gatherings that she lies to her own parents to meet with her AP (who is married as well). From experience, it will be difficult (trust me) but you have to focus on the kids because they are smart enough to know that your DW has done something that has impacted their family. She is extremely selfish. You will be the strong dependent parent that your kids will count on.

OP here. How old are your kids and what is your relationship with them now? Who has physical custody?

The kids are 5, 8, and 14. My relationship with them is stronger and more lovable. I do not say anything negative about their mother when they are with me. I do have seen a dramatic change with the oldest because he keeps saying his mother is a liar but he does not want to talk about it. I took him to see a counselor to make sure he addressed the pending divorce or any other issues. The counselor said he is doing fine but he is aware that there is something that the mother has done and it is negatively impacting our family. My youngest kids do want more hugs and kisses. They describe my DW that she is not giving them the affection she once did and yelling more to leave her alone because she needs space. They believe that they did something wrong and why does she look at her phone every minute. It hurts be to see my two youngest feel the way they do. I know I can only give them all my love and affection each week I get them. I only ask certain questions of how they are being treated at their mom's house. With 50/50 custody, each week one of us have physical custody of the children.

From my experience, the lies and the behavior of your DW will come out. I know you are in pain and angry, and you have the right to feel the way you do. Just be aware that any argument with your DW that the kids are present, will impact them now and in future relationships. Even during Christmas, my DW lied about needing some time alone because of stress and left the house. It was clear that she was going to her AP. You have to let it go because it will mess with your mind. My DW had more cell phones that she guarded with her life and I have copies of the texts of the "affair." Now, I focus primarily on my kids and exercise greatly to keep busy. Family and friends have been great as a support network. Only a few know of my DWs extra marital affair and they are completely in disgust. Again from experience, only share with family and friends that do not want to confront your DW.

[Anonymous]

I went through it two years ago and it was awful. The kids need to be your concentration and total focus. There is no way around a spouse that has had an extra marital affair and the emotional impact on you. My XW was selfish and unsure today this day the reasons behind her decision, and I do not care now. The kids were greatly impacted and know as two are in college and one in high school that their mother broke our family apart. I do not speak negative of her around the kids and they know how their mother withdrew the love and her motherly duties for an AP. You cannot change anything of the decision of your DW. It is out of your control. This is not an easy process and it will not end after they go to college. Through time, you will be able to move on.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Everything I read on Surviving Infedility says inform the other spouse. That was not my first instinct. Thoughts on this? I really don’t want to be vindictive and I think it’s less likely they end up together if the other spouse doesn’t know. On the other hand, reading between the lines of their texts it sounds like she knows something is up but can’t quite figure it out like I have.

[Anonymous]

I am a little surprised everything you've read says to inform the other spouse. That would not have been my inclination, either. I don't think I would.

[Anonymous]

OP, I got good leverage in my divorce by threatening to involve the other spouse. I threatened to call the AP as a witness. Suffice to say, my cheater was VERY inclined to be cooperative.