DH fear of flying + holidays

[Anonymous]

I must ask, OP - is DH claustrophobic? I was also a phobic flyer and refused to fly (missing funerals, weddings, vacations, opportunities to travel) for over a decade.

At heart, I was not a phobic flyer, but severely claustrophobic. As with all fears and phobias, there's not really an logical explanation. Turbulence? Who cares? Looking down at the world from thousands of feet in the air? Lovely. Rough landing? Oh well.

Now the part that made me sweat, vomit and have diarrhea in terror of boarding a plane (even days ahead of a flight) was being stuck on a crowded flight for hours and the near constant need for the bathroom. Also terrorizing was the moment when you've landed and all passengers stand up and there's a traffic jam in the aisles.

I have concrete suggestions! Short term EMDR therapy. Learned about it here on dcum! Research and find a competent licensed emdr therapist. Also, lowdose xanax. Try in advance. Now Xanax is considered short acting so DH would need to experiment with dosing/ timing.

Aisle seat. Aisle seat adjacent to toilet. Or, first class bulkhead. Flew cross country round trip, no layover with a two hour weather flight delay on the tarmac. If I can do it...anyone can. Really.

[Anonymous]

I have not been out to visit them since 2015 because DH’s fear of flying is so severe that he won’t go and won’t agree for me to go with our kids alone

He doesn't need "to agree". You just go. What are you a slave?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am also very afraid of flying and even more when I fly with my kids. My family lives in Europe so I have to fly often. What helps me is to think of the flight attendants and the pilots. They fly so much more than I do and they seem happy and relaxed. When there is a turbulence I look at the flight attendants and it helps me relax that they still look fine and relaxed. My SIL won’t fly and it’s tough. I hate that my brother won’t leave her to come and visit us ever. It is certainly creating issues in our relationship

Your brother is supporting his wife. Fear of flying shouldn't destroy a marriage. If you want to see your brother, go to his town.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I have not been out to visit them since 2015 because DH’s fear of flying is so severe that he won’t go and won’t agree for me to go with our kids alone

He doesn't need "to agree". You just go. What are you a slave?

Well, she's his wife. I assume he doesn't want to be away from her and the kids at the holidays. I'm sure op's dh has wonderful qualities which made her fall in love with him. I don't think this should be a deal breaker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I have not been out to visit them since 2015 because DH’s fear of flying is so severe that he won’t go and won’t agree for me to go with our kids alone

He doesn't need "to agree". You just go. What are you a slave?

Well, she's his wife. I assume he doesn't want to be away from her and the kids at the holidays. I'm sure op's dh has wonderful qualities which made her fall in love with him. I don't think this should be a deal breaker.

OP here. Jeez. Obviously I *could* take my children to my mother’s house alone for Christmas. I don’t need his PERMISSION to do it, but I love him and would never disrespect him that way. We have compromised in many ways related to travel over the past couple of years. Most of the compromise was done in the name of working up to visiting my family for longer periods of time (a month in the summer this coming summer, for example). My current frustration is that we already have these tickets. We booked them together and talked about it for weeks leading up to it. He’s not threatening to skip the trip, but he is dreading it. I want him to have a good time since it’s his Christmas too. I also don’t want him to be a cranky jerk on the days we fly and for (at this point) weeks leading up to the travel.

As for the suggestion about medication, he was prescribed various benzos for anxiety years ago. He didn’t like the way get affected him and stopped taking them. He now manages anxiety through CBT techniques and meditation, which works really well for everything except this one issue. I have suggested that he get a short term prescription for some Valium just for the planes and he has agreed to think about it. Thanks everyone for their advice.

[Anonymous]

Flying is a pain in the ass to be avoided if at all possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Flying is a pain in the ass to be avoided if at all possible.

Very true. The stress of airports, the costs, the cramped seats, the gart smells of planes. It’s a necessary evil for some people, I guess. Pass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Flying is a pain in the ass to be avoided if at all possible.

Very true. The stress of airports, the costs, the cramped seats, the gart smells of planes. It’s a necessary evil for some people, I guess. Pass.

^ fart

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Funny thread for me for three reasons:

-My parents live in Seattle and we are flying there Dec 20 for the first time since 2015.

- I’m currently on a plane at Dulles heading to Asia

-I have flown frequently, and on very long flights (8 of the 10 longest flights in the world, 63 countries), but about 10 years ago had an issue with fear of flying.

Specifically, our plane lost an engine during takeoff out of Kuala Lumpur. It wound up being fine, but freaked me out, and I was afraid of flying for about 2 years afterwards.

I never stopped flying, and just faced my fears. I still fly several times per month, and am a little more jittery than I used to be. But I’m 99% fine, and actually look forward to long haul business class (today’s flight is 15 hours).


This has nothing to do with being a man. Men can have anxiety disorders same as women. He should get it treated but stating that since he is a man, he needs to just man up and deal is ridiculous.
I hate to say it, but if he’s a man, he needs to sack up and face his fears head on. I did...

[Anonymous]

I developed an irrational fear of flying (that we would crash) and then anxiety in the airport (will I make my flight, will my luggage arrive, Will I make a connection, etc). After that Malaysian flight disappeared my anxiety became unmanageable so I sought professional help. First I was prescribed Xanax (I told my PCP exactly and honestly my fear and she recommended it) and I found a therapist for CBT. I went once a week for 8 weeks and had homework. The best thing she did was make me an audio file that I downloaded on my phone for a meditation/visualization to listen to during take offs and turbulence. I am not a meditation person but for some reason this clicked for me. Lifesaver.

I still need Xanax sometimes to fly but I’ve been out of therapy for a few years. I even recently flew by myself, a very big deal for me, and even missed my connection and my world didn’t end. I lived. I still use the CBT methods I did to help me.

I highly discourage having your husband drink alcohol in the moment to get him on the plane. It has been my experience (and it is also pretty common) to have alcohol increase your anxiety IRT, so it can make your emotions and anxiety even worse. And definitely don’t drink with meds (I did that, big mistake, I walked off the plane without my stuff, just left my bag and carry on underneath my seat, I was completely zoned out).

[Anonymous]

Poor guy. My husband’s fear of flying has followed the same trajectory. I also live on the west coast. My husband now takes about a third of a Xanax or drinks two bloody Marys before the trip. He still stresses out for a couple of days beforehand. But he doesn’t make a big deal about it. His day-to-day anxiety is managed through medication, though. Your husband really ought to see a doctor. It’s such a common anxiety and a debilitating one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH used to travel for work all the time and flying was never pleasant for him but he used to be able to tolerate it okay. About 3 years ago, he got a job that requires no travel and while it’s been lovely to not have him gone for 1-2 weeks a month for half the year, it is now basically impossible for us to travel for pleasure of it involves flying. My entire family lives on the west coast and they have visited us but I have not been out to visit them since 2015 because DH’s fear of flying is so severe that he won’t go and won’t agree for me to go with our kids alone. In like April, we started talking about Christmas and going out west. He was very nervous about it but agreed to go. It is the 2nd week of November and he is already anxious about the trip such that he brings it up at least once a day (how stressed he is about flying at all, how the plane might crash, how he isn’t looking forward to it at all).

I have suggested the following: anti-anxiety meds, a stiff drink, me handling all the luggage and children. I have even suggested that if he is gat nervous about it, he does not have to go. But I am not willing to simply never see my parents and siblings again because of an irrational fear of flying that was manageable 5 years ago. He has rejected all my suggestions (meds make him groggy and unhappy, he doesn’t like drinking, he feels bad making me deal with all the kid stuff and baggage). I have tried really hard to be sympathetic but I’m out of sympathy. He would be thrilled if we just canceled the trip and never went anywhere again. I find that incredibly selfish and not fair to our kids, who are now looking forward to the trip.

Have any of you managed to get over an extreme fear of flying?

Sorry this would be a deal breaker for me. I'd give him two choices - do what you have to do to fly (man up, take meds, whatever) or I'm taking the kids without you. The end.

[Anonymous]

OP here. That is actually how we got to this point. We have an almost 2yo who my brother has never met. My sister came out here for a week when she was first born, but has not been back since due to the cost of flying (which is prohibitive for her but not us). In April, I told him that this year, it is very important to me that we go to my family’s Christmas. He was nervous but because I told him “I need you to do this for me” he agreed. Now he is freaking out. I am sure he’ll go and that it’ll be fine. I’m frustrated because he will stress and complain for days in advance.

[Anonymous]

OP he needs to do exposure therapy. I say this as someone with a wasp allergy who developed a phobia after being diagnosed. He needs to fly more to get over this- you can google it.

[Anonymous]

Just get a 1x Rx for xanax and be done with it!! I'm sure your DH is adult enough to power through any " side effects" (such a lame excuse!) for a once a year trip to visit your family.

Good grief. You have 4 pages of people telling you this.