Husband is not supportive of me going back to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP do you need the money? Will your husband make a lot more than you? If the answers are no/yes, I don't understand why you won't just stay home. Why is everything about "happiness" and nothing about sacrifice? I'm sure your husband would stay home if it were financially possible for him to do so.

Women have choices. Men have obligations.

You cannot read - the man does nothing around the house of with his DD. Nothing.

[Anonymous]

What an entitled, lazy + inconsiderate sloth.

Once you go back to work, he needs to pick up more slack in order to keep the home fires burning.

He needs to take the initiative & assist w/daycare duties as well as keeping the house clean and tidy.

If he refuses -
My best advice is to save your energy for yourself and your child.

Okay so he refuses to do daycare drop-off/pick-up??
Then let him come straight home from the office & find nothing hot for his dinner.
Perhaps serve him a bologna sandwich and if he wants mayonnaise, he will have to do that part himself.

Do not do his laundry either.
If he is out of clean socks, then he can go hamper diving.

Etc.
You are not some liquid who can spread yourself so thin.
Let him live in his own chaos and see if he finally sees the true meaning of responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Women have choices. Men have obligations.

this is such sexist garbage. also, 23% of households are run by a single mother. 4% by a single father. Seems like a lot less choice and a lot more obligation to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay so I'm going to play devil's advocate here and ask the question that no one seems to have asked yet. And that is did you and your DH actually discuss a plan for childcare before you got pregnant and/or before the baby was born?

Is it possible you agreed to be a SAHM and he was enthusiastic about the value of that (some men still are, some are not) and now he feels disappointed and like you are pulling a bait and switch? It is not really his decision to make for YOUR life, but it does impact the manner in which your shared child is raised (and, as you pointed out, his ability to interact with said child over daily lunches), so maybe he is just really upset about it and you have to give him a hot minute to adjust to the rug being pulled out from under him.

I don't think his not being enthusiastic about this means that he SUCKS any more than you changing your mind about staying at home means that YOU suck. You just aren't seeing eye to eye on this. Of course, your viewpoint has to "win" here for your own sanity (and possibly for the welfare of your child, b/c depression is no joke and that is where you are headed if you don't take care of your own needs) but it doesn't mean he is intstantly going to be thrilled. I think you need to maybe own part of this as yours for making a plan and being unable/unwilling to stick to it. Allow for him to have negative feelings about it. And then acknowledge those feelings and ask how you can help him to overcome how he's feeling and accept the new reality in a more positive way. If you want the best for your child and family, you really do need to meet him halfway.

Others telling you your husband is a jerk is not productive or helpful for your marriage.

I actually agree with this. (But I also agree that the husband sounds like he has some emotional/communication issues.) It kind of sounds to me like OP made a unilateral decision for their child and just expects him to get on board. If OP is unhappy at home, then of course she should go back to work. But plenty of women are uncomfortable with daycare (like all the people on dcum who prefer nannies over daycare) and I don’t think it’s necessarily bad if OP’s husband is one of those people. Again, the lack of communication here does sound weird, and OP’s husband does sound extremely traditional gender-wise, sothis doesn’t sound totally normal, I agree. Maybe he’d be more comfortable with a nanny?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP do you need the money? Will your husband make a lot more than you? If the answers are no/yes, I don't understand why you won't just stay home. Why is everything about "happiness" and nothing about sacrifice? I'm sure your husband would stay home if it were financially possible for him to do so.

Women have choices. Men have obligations.

MRA alert!

[Anonymous]

Just fill out the forms. Walk over to him with a pen and have him sign. Grow up and just write smaller than normal to fit the info in the space provided. Tell him the day he needs to show his infontonthe daycare. Make plans for divorce because it’s not going to get better once you go back to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lots of men refuse to engage in things like school tours - who knows why. I wouldn't necessarily take that as a signal, my husband talks passionately about wanting our kids to go to "the best" schools but has yet to actually go to a tour / open house / do any research etc.

Tactically use the additional HHI from your working to hire a cleaning service and any other supports you need to make life manageable. Your husband wants to work instead of focusing on domestic stuff, you want to work instead of focusing on domestic chores - so jointly you pay to outsource those chores. Its a very worthwhile investment to prevent fights

This. Pick some of the chores you HATE and outsource those first. Hate groceries? Do delivery. Hate gardening (this is my family)? Hire someone to do all the lawn and yard work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do women marry such losers?

OP, was this an arranged marriage and you had no idea what your DH was like?

You can't really predict with certainty how a husband is going to be after a kid, and really how a wife will be. Having a baby is life-changing, and people react in different ways. My DH was crap during the baby stage but is much better now, which I've read is pretty normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Also, you are currently a sahm, so the house work is on you. That changes when you start working.

Says who? DP here. I am a SAHM and the housework is not on me. I stayed home because I had a kid and DH and I could not give the time and care to our baby when both of us were working. I was not SAH when we didn't have kids. I am not a "SAH-do-all-household-shit" person, I am a SAH mom. I am 100% available for my kids, I am not 100% available for the household chores and for my DH. My DH knows that if ever he will expect me to do the household chores because I am not drawing a paycheck, I'll happily go back to work and pay someone else to do the chores. If my DH SAH, I would not expect him to do the housework either. That can be easily outsourced.

If you cannot stand doing household chores, and you cannot afford to hire help, and the expectation is that you will be a maid too, then maybe you should really evaluate if you want to be a SAHM. Incidentally, most WOHMs are also doing a large share of the household chores because they cannot outsource these chores because of finances or time to manage it. Isn't that the whole bitching on this forum about? Its not as if working outside of the home is getting all the women emancipated from household chores. SAHM or WOHM - if you cannot do the chores, kindly spend some money and outsource. And if for financial reasons you cannot outsource then maybe you should just endure it without subjecting others to your sorry saga.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. Terrible when you are in a marriage that should be a partnership and your spouse won't pull their own weight. Do you think you guys could sit down and have an open/honest/mature conversation to try to reach a compromise? If not, would you both consider seeking counseling to help resolve these issues before they get so out of control that you both are miserable and simply just want a divorce? Marriage really is a partnership of compromise and give and take. Sadly so many marriages have one person pulling all the load and the other blind! Please stay strong, try to think outside the box and get help! Marriage is worth fighting for even when one of the partners has blinders on. Praying you find the right solution and your husband will step into the role that God designed for him to fulfill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Also, you are currently a sahm, so the house work is on you. That changes when you start working.

Says who? DP here. I am a SAHM and the housework is not on me. I stayed home because I had a kid and DH and I could not give the time and care to our baby when both of us were working. I was not SAH when we didn't have kids. I am not a "SAH-do-all-household-shit" person, I am a SAH mom. I am 100% available for my kids, I am not 100% available for the household chores and for my DH. My DH knows that if ever he will expect me to do the household chores because I am not drawing a paycheck, I'll happily go back to work and pay someone else to do the chores. If my DH SAH, I would not expect him to do the housework either. That can be easily outsourced.

If you cannot stand doing household chores, and you cannot afford to hire help, and the expectation is that you will be a maid too, then maybe you should really evaluate if you want to be a SAHM. Incidentally, most WOHMs are also doing a large share of the household chores because they cannot outsource these chores because of finances or time to manage it. Isn't that the whole bitching on this forum about? Its not as if working outside of the home is getting all the women emancipated from household chores. SAHM or WOHM - if you cannot do the chores, kindly spend some money and outsource. And if for financial reasons you cannot outsource then maybe you should just endure it without subjecting others to your sorry saga.

How long have you had this arrangement?

[Anonymous]

So you wanted to be a sahm and when it wasn’t fun and games like you thought you unilaterally decided dd would go to daycare. You now want support and help in carrying out your unilateral decision. I highly suspect after 1-2 months you will decide being a working mom isn’t for you and unilaterally decide to become a sahm and come here to complain when DH doesn’t support your decision or your plan to start on baby 2. Grow up.

[Anonymous]

Look, folks. Women who want to work should be supported in this. No one can know what it’s like to stay home until they do it. And if they want to return to work, of course they should. Same goes for men who stay home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorce him. You can live without your husband, and your child does not need a dad. Daycare is going to be a great experience for your child and you will see how very resilient your child will become.

Wow. You're sheer evil.

[Anonymous]

How old is your child?
How many hours a week would she be in the daycare?