Husband went to his parents for money without discussing it with me

[Anonymous]

I understand, in the sense that he really should discuss major life changes with you until you reach some kind of compromise, even if you don't agree.

However, regarding in-laws, you're not entitled to their money and don't have the same standing with them as their own child. My MIL is very supportive of me, but if I need help, I'm automatically going to ask my parents first, and would feel uncomfortable asking her, especially if my husband is not on board. See what I mean?

Perhaps what you should do is file this away for next time you need help. Leverage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have a communication problem with your husband.
You don't like your in-laws.

Outside of that, you really need to stop mothering your husband. He has a job, he wants to get additional post-graduate training that would help his career including possibly getting a higher income. You can give your opinion, about how he does it but as an adult he is the one who gets to make the final decision about whether to do it piecemeal as you suggest or do it straight through. You wanting to teach him a lesson by making him take classes slowly to take it more seriously and be proactive about career advances was mothering. Save that for your children, not your spouse.

You gave your opinion that he should take a class or two at a time and pursue tuition remission through his employer. He heard you and decided he didn't want to do that, so he asked his parents for financial assistance to go through with his own plans. Unless you are responsible for paying them back, not your decision to veto or give him grief about this choice.

So, you need to work on improving your communication with your husband about when he tells you about actions he's taking and decisions he's making, not about whether you get a voice in those decisions. This is like him giving an opinion on whether you should have an epidural or whether you choose to breastfeed or not. His career, his training, not your decision. You provide your input and he can take that into account when making his decision, but not your decision.

You also need to find a way to keep your animosity towards his parents out of your relationship. You can choose to cut them out of your life, but you can't cut them out of his. Only he can do that.

I agree with the general principal you're going for here but it doesn't apply here. One parent deciding to become a full time student has massive impacts on the household. Is he keeping his job and therefore income during this time? If he is keeping his job is OP going to be doing basically all childcare and home management while he is in school? If he's not keeping his job who is paying the bills? If DH's parents are paying the bills that creates (IMO) an obligation from OP to MIL/FIL, something I personally would be very upset by in my situation.

This is not a decision where he is just figuring out his life. This is a financial and time intensive decision that will have ripple effects across the whole family, probably for many years. And the other parent and partner in the marriage should be a decision maker in that type of decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH has had a fairly bumpy career trajectory, but he went back to school for additional graduate training, and for the last few years he has been working a solid, but not very inspiring, job. He came to me and said he would like to finish a master’s in this field, and I agreed that it would be something to pursue part time. We disagreed about the financing it though, and I encouraged him to take a class or two at a time and to pursue tuition remission through his employer.

He apparently was not satisfied with that and went to his parents for the money and had extensive conversations about it with them without telling me. His parents agreed to pay for it, and he told me about it when it was all arranged. He said this will benefit all of us, so I do not have a reason to be upset. These are the same parents who never once asked if I was okay when our DS was very little and their son was unemployed and who have consistently made little to no effort with him. I feel like DH is condoning this behavior by going to them and that he is undervaluing our marriage by not discussing this with me first.

I also had hoped that if DH had to seek tuition remission, etc he would take the whole thing more seriously and be proactive about career advances. Now I am not so sure. I can see someone saying it is their money, their decision, but I feel very uncertain about my relationship
with DH.

Thanks for any suggestions.

Did they help at all when you had a child?

How long was your husband unemployed for? Was this during your pregnancy and with the newborn? And they did not help then?

Not sure what is going on here. He should have floated the idea of them paying for the degree with you before arranging it as a possibility. Do your In Laws need or want to be told how to be more involved - either with you (date night every other Friday babysitting?), or your husband, or anything? Maybe they are being passive because they do not want to intrude. But everyone wants to feel wanted. Just find some benign or even fun ways to do that for people.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks everyone. DH is not quitting his job. With the financial support he will be taking two classes a time instead of one. I really do hope this helps him career wise, but he was dead set on doing his last graduate program and now he is unhappy with the results. I think I have grounds to be dubious about this.

DH was unemployed for a period of almost two years when DS was a newborn, and it took him almost another year to get a solid full time job. I drained down most of the savings I had accumulated to support us during this time.

DH's parents have done some charming things with money. They sold his childhood home to his sister in a sweetheart deal right when we were buying our house and did not offer us any support. We ended up using an FHA loan which was ridiculous.

What has been more hurtful is their lack of involvement with DS. I have invited them to every birthday, etc., which they never attend, and my MIL in particular has made minimal effort. I thought we had both agreed that anything that we would receive from them should be kept for DS's benefit, so I am surprised DH went to them for this.

I hope this does benefit DH, but I think my entire situation in my marriage with DH and my in-laws stinks.

[Anonymous]

Do not blame your in laws. Maybe your DH told them you were on board? DH went behind your back. He needs to own that.

[Anonymous]

So he’s middle-aged, he was unemployed for two years, and he pursued one graduate degree but now wants a different one?

[Anonymous]

They're paying for him to take one additional class at a time? Not a big deal. You are reading too much into it due to your dislike of your in-laws and irritation with your husband.

[Anonymous]

OP here. No they are paying for the whole thing, which is over 30K, so it is a significant amount of money.

[Anonymous]

Will your DH be able to recoop any of the tuition costs from his employer or is that off the table? How will his class/study schedule affect you and your child? Is the 30K for the entire program? Do the in laws consider this a loan or a gift?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks everyone for your suggestions. DH is in the best job he has had now. I know it is not perfect, but he has not tried to find another one before deciding he needs to pursue further training. I also think some of this may be an early midlife crisis.

I do not like my in-laws, but I have tried to keep this from affecting my relationship with DH. He has always said though the more we do things for ourselves, the happier we will be, and has not wanted to go to them for money even though they are quite comfortable and there were definitely times when we could have used the help. The part that upsets me is he changed his tune quickly when he wanted something for himself.

This is a gift, right? Not a loan?

Also how old is he?

[Anonymous]

As long as their help doesn't come with any conditions that affect you (repayment, Friday night dinner at the Gilmores, etc.) then I wouldn't worry about it. What were you going to say if he had discussed it with you - no? Hell, that's 30k you and DH can save.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks everyone. DH is not quitting his job. With the financial support he will be taking two classes a time instead of one. I really do hope this helps him career wise, but he was dead set on doing his last graduate program and now he is unhappy with the results. I think I have grounds to be dubious about this.

DH was unemployed for a period of almost two years when DS was a newborn, and it took him almost another year to get a solid full time job. I drained down most of the savings I had accumulated to support us during this time.

DH's parents have done some charming things with money. They sold his childhood home to his sister in a sweetheart deal right when we were buying our house and did not offer us any support. We ended up using an FHA loan which was ridiculous.

What has been more hurtful is their lack of involvement with DS. I have invited them to every birthday, etc., which they never attend, and my MIL in particular has made minimal effort. I thought we had both agreed that anything that we would receive from them should be kept for DS's benefit, so I am surprised DH went to them for this.

I hope this does benefit DH, but I think my entire situation in my marriage with DH and my in-laws stinks.

On one hand, you say you aren’t going to accept anything from in-laws because you feel the neglected your son/their grandchild and on the other hand you are bitter the sister got a deal on their house from them while you guys had no help and had to take out a not as favorable loan. I think it’s more that you don’t agree with what they are giving your DH money for I.e. if it was 30K for a house down payment versus a degree you aren’t sure your DH needs. In their minds they could feel like they are doing their part to help DH (by investing in his career) as they helped sister with a home. Anyway, all you can do there is remind yourself that it’s their money, their decision and you will do differently by your kids in terms of what you think is fair when it comes to helping them as adults.

As for lack of involvement with DS, that’s just how they are. There isn’t a whole lot you can do to change that. Let your DH manage that relationship including invitations to the birthday parties. I also don’t get why you are going after your MIl if your FIL is also still alive. She isn’t your mother and your FIL is just as capable of calling your DH and asking to hear from his grandson, texting, and Skyping as your MIL. Also realize that people have different mindsets about things. My dad’s side of the family is very much my house is your house just drop in by. And there are good things and frustrating things to that approach. My mom’s family is more reserved on that front and there are pros and cons.

I won’t go into if your DH makes good employment decisions or not because I don’t know. Whatever is going on there is the true issue. Somehow you have to figure out how to trust him and not micromanage him while still feeling you have a partner financially speaking. His parents giving him money with no strings attached for something you initially raised as a money issue ...I don’t see the problem. My DH and I have discussed when his parents have financially offered something but more so because there may be strings or a component of us having to spend money as well. Like, parents are planning to go the Hawaii and rent a house where we can stay, but we have to get ourselves there etc.

[Anonymous]

Op ~ he probably has an inheritance coming. It would be fine if between he and his parents they all decided that they wanted to do this instead. I don't think this is your business. And I think the complaint you stated about your ILs was odd. I can understand how you could feel this as an intrusion into your marriage but you do not own your husband. He is an individual and he gets to decide or do this type of thing for his own good, if he wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks everyone. DH is not quitting his job. With the financial support he will be taking two classes a time instead of one. I really do hope this helps him career wise, but he was dead set on doing his last graduate program and now he is unhappy with the results. I think I have grounds to be dubious about this.

DH was unemployed for a period of almost two years when DS was a newborn, and it took him almost another year to get a solid full time job. I drained down most of the savings I had accumulated to support us during this time.

DH's parents have done some charming things with money. They sold his childhood home to his sister in a sweetheart deal right when we were buying our house and did not offer us any support. We ended up using an FHA loan which was ridiculous.

What has been more hurtful is their lack of involvement with DS. I have invited them to every birthday, etc., which they never attend, and my MIL in particular has made minimal effort. I thought we had both agreed that anything that we would receive from them should be kept for DS's benefit, so I am surprised DH went to them for this.

I hope this does benefit DH, but I think my entire situation in my marriage with DH and my in-laws stinks.

You don't have a job?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't really think that you have the right to prevent a grown person from asking his own parents for something.

I want to amend my statement to add "unless you are now responsible for paying it back". Otherwise, it's a gift, and it's between them.

I think OP should have been included in the conversation - ALL CONVERSATIONS - about her & her husbands household expenses, including tuition payments. His parents need to treat them as one unit and no going behind either's back. Thus, they should have gone together to ask.

I hope this is a no strings attached gift of money. Otherwise payback time will bite yo@$$ later.

Pity your DH, in-laws and children... if you have any of those..