Husband went to his parents for money without discussing it with me

[Anonymous]

I am on the fence on this one.

On one hand I can understand why your husband wouldn’t have discussed this w/you beforehand.
He likely thought doing so would cause you both to argue over the matter which he wanted to potentially avoid.
Or he didn’t really think that his folks would actually give him the money & he didn’t want to come back, embarrassed + ashamed.

On the other hand as his wife, you likely feel he deceived you to a point.
Finding something out “after the fact” can be very hurtful for many people.
You may feel like....”What?? He didn’t think I was worth actually telling me about something THIS important....??!”
As a wife, you want to feel included since you are an actual unit now and would hope that no secrets exist between you two.

[Anonymous]

Fine, your husband's parents want to pay for his higher education, may parents have this goal. In fact, you should reiterate to your husband that this is a worthy goal you two should have for your child in the future.
Get the degree, get on with a good career and job, save your money for your retirement and children's educations (K-12 isn't so cheap either).
Makes sure there are no unclear terms of this money - payback, interest, must house them for 10-30 years, etc.

[Anonymous]

This is a violation of the privacy of your marriage. I totally understand why you're angry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a violation of the privacy of your marriage. I totally understand why you're angry.

Get the pitchforks out!

Only on DCUM. lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks everyone for your suggestions. DH is in the best job he has had now. I know it is not perfect, but he has not tried to find another one before deciding he needs to pursue further training. I also think some of this may be an early midlife crisis.

I do not like my in-laws, but I have tried to keep this from affecting my relationship with DH. He has always said though the more we do things for ourselves, the happier we will be, and has not wanted to go to them for money even though they are quite comfortable and there were definitely times when we could have used the help. The part that upsets me is he changed his tune quickly when he wanted something for himself.

Uh-hunh. Clearly it would also be ok to go to his parents for money if it would be of benefit to you. But he did something that is not benefitting you, so now you're in a snit.

Charming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks everyone for your suggestions. DH is in the best job he has had now. I know it is not perfect, but he has not tried to find another one before deciding he needs to pursue further training. I also think some of this may be an early midlife crisis.

I do not like my in-laws, but I have tried to keep this from affecting my relationship with DH. He has always said though the more we do things for ourselves, the happier we will be, and has not wanted to go to them for money even though they are quite comfortable and there were definitely times when we could have used the help. The part that upsets me is he changed his tune quickly when he wanted something for himself.

So you are fine with going to them for money, but only if you pre-approve the reason?

[Anonymous]

So your husband’s parents are going to pay for your husband’s education and you are upset because no one involved you in the matter.

You sounds ungrateful and a PITA. You are turning this into a problem, you find most things involving your in laws a problem, I’ll Bety.

[Anonymous]

I don’t like my ILs either and if something like this happened I would be upset because I would feel that now we “owe” them.
In my case, in laws are poor and my DH gives them money every month (hence why I don’t like them: mother in law gets hair and nails done and I don’t because I am trying to save money).
In your case, I think this is financially good for both of you since now you don’t need to worry about the extra expenses

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of inlaws never ever ask DILs if they're okay or need help. I've been in the hospital and don't even get a text. I think they might talk to DH, but not to me. They told me they expect my parents to care for me (and by that they mean me and the kids).

Anyways, I don't see why money from a parent is an issue unless there are strings attached.

Geez, when my DS gets married some day, I will certainly check on DIL or kids if I think they might need help- or just because they're family. Your ILs sound crummy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fine, your husband's parents want to pay for his higher education, may parents have this goal. In fact, you should reiterate to your husband that this is a worthy goal you two should have for your child in the future.
Get the degree, get on with a good career and job, save your money for your retirement and children's educations (K-12 isn't so cheap either).
Makes sure there are no unclear terms of this money - payback, interest, must house them for 10-30 years, etc.

Married people should make financial and investment and new job/fulltime student decisions TOGETHER.

But I do like how the PP twisted things up to put the end game pressure on DH. He needs to get it together, he has a wife and kid now. If his "finished" masters degree does not result in a good job, more pay, a longer-term career then WTH is he doing it? He needs some goals, and then accomplish those goals. Like I said, he has a wife and kid now.

P.S. I would not have another kid until your husband lands on his own feet a little better.

[Anonymous]

You have a communication problem with your husband.
You don't like your in-laws.

Outside of that, you really need to stop mothering your husband. He has a job, he wants to get additional post-graduate training that would help his career including possibly getting a higher income. You can give your opinion, about how he does it but as an adult he is the one who gets to make the final decision about whether to do it piecemeal as you suggest or do it straight through. You wanting to teach him a lesson by making him take classes slowly to take it more seriously and be proactive about career advances was mothering. Save that for your children, not your spouse.

You gave your opinion that he should take a class or two at a time and pursue tuition remission through his employer. He heard you and decided he didn't want to do that, so he asked his parents for financial assistance to go through with his own plans. Unless you are responsible for paying them back, not your decision to veto or give him grief about this choice.

So, you need to work on improving your communication with your husband about when he tells you about actions he's taking and decisions he's making, not about whether you get a voice in those decisions. This is like him giving an opinion on whether you should have an epidural or whether you choose to breastfeed or not. His career, his training, not your decision. You provide your input and he can take that into account when making his decision, but not your decision.

You also need to find a way to keep your animosity towards his parents out of your relationship. You can choose to cut them out of your life, but you can't cut them out of his. Only he can do that.

[Anonymous]

Does this mean your DH will be going to school full time and quitting his current job?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have issues with your IL, and you're taking it out on your DH.

It's crystal clear in your post.

This.

DP I actually totally disagree. I would be extremely upset if my husband made any type of financial decision without consulting me. It has nothing to do with the parents at all, it has to do with her DH making decisions about his education/job/career without including her in the conversation. All of those things impact the family they are building together. I'd be livid OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks everyone for your suggestions. DH is in the best job he has had now. I know it is not perfect, but he has not tried to find another one before deciding he needs to pursue further training. I also think some of this may be an early midlife crisis.

I do not like my in-laws, but I have tried to keep this from affecting my relationship with DH. He has always said though the more we do things for ourselves, the happier we will be, and has not wanted to go to them for money even though they are quite comfortable and there were definitely times when we could have used the help. The part that upsets me is he changed his tune quickly when he wanted something for himself.

So you are fine with going to them for money, but only if you pre-approve the reason?

Not OP but yeah that is how it is in my house. We make financial decisions for our household as a household. I am surprised how many people seem to think this is totally ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have issues with your IL, and you're taking it out on your DH.

It's crystal clear in your post.

This.

DP I actually totally disagree. I would be extremely upset if my husband made any type of financial decision without consulting me. It has nothing to do with the parents at all, it has to do with her DH making decisions about his education/job/career without including her in the conversation. All of those things impact the family they are building together. I'd be livid OP.

+1 DH running to mommy and daddy to give him what he wants is not okay. Of course he should have discussed it with OP (regardless of whether or not the ILs are terrible).