Afraid to be a "mom"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I felt this way too but 1) you don’t look back after your kid is like 3-4 yrs old and 2) honestly you’re already old and uncool being 40 and childless doesn’t make you young or cool you’re just old.

OP here. This is true. But the childless older women I know seem to have managed to retain a sense of cool or sophistication. They do not have the mom cuts or unflattering suits or stressed out harried look about them. They're composed, stylish and have many interests...I think being a mother takes that away from you...or so it appears from the outside.

Not all moms. You can still take care of yourself and keep your own identity.

[Anonymous]

Am I the only one who sees this as pretty sexist? The idea that "moms" are bad (because they lose their appeal to men in large part). Maybe OP should spend some time thinking about how society judges women for their choices and things out of their control (biology of aging), and decide whether she really wants to make her own life decisions based on that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one who sees this as pretty sexist? The idea that "moms" are bad (because they lose their appeal to men in large part). Maybe OP should spend some time thinking about how society judges women for their choices and things out of their control (biology of aging), and decide whether she really wants to make her own life decisions based on that.

No, I saw, too. I am shocked that this is how a woman sees other women. It is clear that this dear lady has some negative internalized messages about the value and capability of women and those messages are focused on appearance and social approval (being interesting--whatever the f--k that is). I think she should seek some intensive therapy to work through these issues of self-worth BEFORE she even considers whether she wants to have children. God forbid that she have daughters. What would be the message conveyed to them.

Please OP--find a good therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I felt this way too but 1) you don’t look back after your kid is like 3-4 yrs old and 2) honestly you’re already old and uncool being 40 and childless doesn’t make you young or cool you’re just old.

OP here. This is true. But the childless older women I know seem to have managed to retain a sense of cool or sophistication. They do not have the mom cuts or unflattering suits or stressed out harried look about them. They're composed, stylish and have many interests...I think being a mother takes that away from you...or so it appears from the outside.

Gee, OP, could you be more shallow? Yes, being a mother takes a lot of personal resources, and leaves you less time to pursue your "many interests." If you don't fundamentally understand that, then you should not have children. Do you think there's something about the biological act of giving birth that makes women frumpy?? No, it's all the time and energy it takes to raise a child. While some women (the ones who prioritized it pre-baby) will not miss a beat in terms of their physical appearance, ALL women face major tradeoffs of time and energy when they have children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one who sees this as pretty sexist? The idea that "moms" are bad (because they lose their appeal to men in large part). Maybe OP should spend some time thinking about how society judges women for their choices and things out of their control (biology of aging), and decide whether she really wants to make her own life decisions based on that.

No, I saw, too. I am shocked that this is how a woman sees other women. It is clear that this dear lady has some negative internalized messages about the value and capability of women and those messages are focused on appearance and social approval (being interesting--whatever the f--k that is). I think she should seek some intensive therapy to work through these issues of self-worth BEFORE she even considers whether she wants to have children. God forbid that she have daughters. What would be the message conveyed to them.

Please OP--find a good therapist.

Right? And g-d forbid if a woman should find herself without the resources to have her hair and clothes perfect after having children. Then she becomes a "mom," that horrible thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you're honestly saying you don't want to be a mom because you don't want to be relegated to wearing unflattering suits, then you probably should not have kids.

+1,000,000

[Anonymous]

I know a lot of people who felt the same way, but then they realized they were going to grow old without a family and now are REALLY frumpy and uncool, because they are 45 with young children and they don’t give a damn, because they have their children. Very judgy and immature, OP.

[Anonymous]

I hear you OP. I was concerned about some of the things you mention too, though my main concern was pregnancy itself (I put off getting pregnant for 10 years because I had a phobia of pregnancy). But I also worried about losing my youth, my interests, and my strong marriage after becoming a mom.

Anyhow, I ended up just having one child and I think with one child you can definitely maintain your old interests/hobbies, travel, have time for friendships of your own, and keep up with personal maintenance (haircuts, hair color, stylish clothes, workouts, etc.). After my child was about 3.5 years old I started feeling like myself again since she was more independent, slept through the night, played independently occasionally, etc. I was able to travel more (as a family), get back into a workout routine, have the time for frequent haircuts/color, get all the appointments done that I needed to, and have a social life again with friends of my own. My daughter is now almost 5 and most of my friends have 2-3 kids and they definitely seem frazzled and exhausted all of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you're uncomfortable with any change. You're going to get old regardless, and your identity will be challenged as you hit middle age/ menopause and step into a caretaking role for your parents, retire, face health issues, etc. Younger people will think you're boring, unhip, and frumpy whether you do or don't have kids.

True but it's not anymore reason to have kids. I'm a CBFC woman.

[Anonymous]

So I was in the middle of changing clothes, and was standing there only wearing a bra and a skirt, when my preschooler DD saw me and said in an awed voice - "mommy, you look like a mermaid!" (Because in her eyes, bra = seashell bikini top that mermaids wear). So I am cool in the eyes of someone whose opinion I care about.

BTW, do people still say 'cool'?

[Anonymous]

Not sure why people are piling on the OP. I used to be “cool”. Now I’m not. Don’t have time/have not made the time to dress as my cool self or delve into my cool interests. I have time for work and my 3 yo. I gained a lot of weight (so-don’t do that OP) so that’s definitely in the mix too. I’m harried. I’m tired. I miss my old self. DCUM tells me I’ll find myself again, so I have hope. I stopped caring about frumpiness and coolness out of practically and necessity, but that doesn’t mean I don’t miss my old self.

Op if glam and coolness and independence are important to you, I’d recommend you don’t have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you're uncomfortable with any change. You're going to get old regardless, and your identity will be challenged as you hit middle age/ menopause and step into a caretaking role for your parents, retire, face health issues, etc. Younger people will think you're boring, unhip, and frumpy whether you do or don't have kids.

True but it's not anymore reason to have kids. I'm a CBFC woman.

WTF is that?

[Anonymous]

Well, if you’re crowdsourcing this, I vote that you shouldn’t have kids. You’ll be happier.

[Anonymous]

I feel like this is taking yourself a bit too seriously, OP. Whether or not you are cool -- who cares? Is it cool to care that much about how others perceive you? If you had a lot of judgments of others in your youth, which many people do, it really comes from a sense of taking the project of being an X kind of person too seriously to the detriment of caring about others. Maybe that's what scares you about a mom . . . caring about others.

[Anonymous]

Also, I don't think identity is one thing or another. People aren't paper dolls. I am a "mom" who no doubt is not hip or cool in many ways, but I also have my own life and work outside of that. There isn't one way to parent or to lead a life.