Afraid to be a "mom"

[Anonymous]

If you're honestly saying you don't want to be a mom because you don't want to be relegated to wearing unflattering suits, then you probably should not have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I felt this way too but 1) you don’t look back after your kid is like 3-4 yrs old and 2) honestly you’re already old and uncool being 40 and childless doesn’t make you young or cool you’re just old.

OP here. This is true. But the childless older women I know seem to have managed to retain a sense of cool or sophistication. They do not have the mom cuts or unflattering suits or stressed out harried look about them. They're composed, stylish and have many interests...I think being a mother takes that away from you...or so it appears from the outside.

But I also know a lot of child free women who have unflattering haircuts, ill-fitting clothing, and who get weird and stressed out about all kinds of things. Plus, plenty of beautiful, stylish moms out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am an early thirties woman who is rather petrified at the prospect of losing my identity and "cool" when I become a mom. Growing up the word "mom" didn't have any positive connotations with it. Moms were nagging, boring, old. If they're SAHMs they have no lives and revolve around their kids. If they're working they're always stressed out and unpleasant. They lose their looks and become frumpy.

etc etc

Basically...I am afraid about losing myself in my kids and being one of "those" moms which is basically all moms.

Lots to unpack here. But, just so you know being stressed, unpleasant losing looks and being frumpy happens to single people too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I felt this way too but 1) you don’t look back after your kid is like 3-4 yrs old and 2) honestly you’re already old and uncool being 40 and childless doesn’t make you young or cool you’re just old.

OP here. This is true. But the childless older women I know seem to have managed to retain a sense of cool or sophistication. They do not have the mom cuts or unflattering suits or stressed out harried look about them. They're composed, stylish and have many interests...I think being a mother takes that away from you...or so it appears from the outside.

I am a mom (of middle schoolers no less!) and I am none of those things. But I only work very part time and spend the rest of the time taking care of myself (gym, hair/clothes) , attending cultural events, staying plugged in and, frankly, chilling out! I think it depends more how cool you were before you had kids. Most of the grumpy, boring moms were that way in their 20s, too!

[Anonymous]

^^sorry... frumpy! (And usually grumpy, too!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you're uncomfortable with any change. You're going to get old regardless, and your identity will be challenged as you hit middle age/ menopause and step into a caretaking role for your parents, retire, face health issues, etc. Younger people will think you're boring, unhip, and frumpy whether you do or don't have kids.

Yep. But your 4 yr old will think you are the most awesome person on the planet.

My experience has been that having kids is pretty awesome overall. No, I'm not "cool" but I don't think I was "cool" before I had kids either. I think if this is your big concern, you are probably too immature to be a good parent. Good to know that about yourself before you make a baby.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I had a lot of these feelings, from the time before I had kids until my older was 5 and the younger 2.5. Gradually, I just stopped caring, and absorbed the mom role into my overall identity. I never became "mom first" and I still have my own friends and my job and I dress pretty much same as before kids, I'm pretty much same size, etc. Some interests changed, of course, but others stayed the same. And there were pluses, too. When things are not going well at work, there are other things at home that are making me feel accomplished, for example.

I do wish that society didn't give "momhood" such a bad name, and that young women in particular would not be so resentful of moms. But of course there are plenty of those annoying supermoms who do nothing but discuss their children, so there is that, too. But you can steer clear pretty easily.

[Anonymous]

I'm much cooler as a mid-30s mom than I was in my 20s. I have lost weight, I have a far better haircut, my makeup looks better, my clothes are more stylish and fit better because I'm thinner and I fit into clothes generally quite well. But most of that is a result of my having a kid and growing into myself and my confidence.

I'll never truly be cool, but I like the person I am and the way I look and the way I parent my kid. Feels pretty cool to me, even if strangers on the street disagree.

[Anonymous]

If your biggest concern about becoming a parent is how you'll look to others, please don't have a child.

[Anonymous]

Wow, you should really consider your audience before posting something like this.

[Anonymous]

Just don't have kids until and unless you figure this out. Because you will get old and perhaps even uncool and then you will just blame it on them.

[Anonymous]

Look within, sweets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I felt this way too but 1) you don’t look back after your kid is like 3-4 yrs old and 2) honestly you’re already old and uncool being 40 and childless doesn’t make you young or cool you’re just old.

OP here. This is true. But the childless older women I know seem to have managed to retain a sense of cool or sophistication. They do not have the mom cuts or unflattering suits or stressed out harried look about them. They're composed, stylish and have many interests...I think being a mother takes that away from you...or so it appears from the outside.

But I also know a lot of child free women who have unflattering haircuts, ill-fitting clothing, and who get weird and stressed out about all kinds of things. Plus, plenty of beautiful, stylish moms out there.

Thank you. +1000
Whether a woman's haircut is flattering or how well her clothes fit are factors that are completely independent of that woman's having children or no. For some women who are parents, spending time/money/resources (time, headspace, whatever) becomes far less important on the daily to-do list. Some women focus on those aspects as part of self-care. More power to all.
Of more concern is your (implied? stated?) assumption that women with children are less than--less valuable, less interesting, less worthy--than women who do not have children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, you should really consider your audience before posting something like this.

Lol

We're all frumpy grumps here. Clearly.

[Anonymous]

You are not going to care about this at all when you have a newborn because you will be so sleep deprived.

Then, when your child is around 1yo, you can probably look somewhat chic again (when at work), albeit in machine-washable fabrics.

You won't care about being cool or chic on weekends because playgrounds aren't cool or chic and that is where you'll want to be.