Help me understand the division of younger moms vs. older moms

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I am considered an older mom, currently 35 year old with a 3 year old & a newborn. The problem is I look young, but I have no common conversation with 20s mom (does not click with them in terms of conservation & their lifestyles, e.g. fashion etc). And, 30s mom think than I don't belong to their group because I don't look matured or act matured enough. So, I mainly only hang out with my college friends with kids now, and we all have similar age kids. We all feel so old mentally and we have shared more interests in common.

I have many coworkers at my workplace that are similar to my age, and they have multiple kids in high school or middle school. And, I am so jealous of them.

In DC you are definitely not an older mom.

[Anonymous]

I'm more concerned about personalities than ages, although I think with age comes certain personality traits that I connect with more. I'm confident in myself as a mom and a woman, I'm much more of a homebody now at 40 than I was even 5 years ago, and DH and I are fully independent financially and otherwise from family. I can pretty much find common ground with anyone and get along with most people, but I'm less likely to want to spend time with a mom who is insecure about everything, doesn't know what she wants to do with her life, goes out drinking every weekend, and who has to run everything by her parents. She might be a lovely person but not someone I could be friends with at this point in my life regardless of her age.

[Anonymous]

I think it comes down to two factors:
- To what extent are you able to compartmentalize friends as "mom" friends vs. just friends. I suspect it's easier to have really differently aged mom friends if you can keep your relationship to what you have in common by being moms of similar aged kids.
- To what extent are you able to maintain friendships with people with very different ages that are unrelated to having kids. If you can do that with non-"mom" friends, I don't see why you would have trouble doing it with mom friends.

For myself, I have friends that span a pretty wide range of ages. As in, one of my good friends is a grandmother, and I myself have a 2 and 4 y.o. Around parenting, I definitely relate to her with the perspective that I'm receiving wisdom and experience rather than commiseration. I also had a multi-year battle with IF, so even among people who tend toward having kids later in life, I'm a bit older (I'm 40). That means a lot of my "mom" friends are a few years younger than me. It's obvious they are in a slightly different career and financial position than I am, but it's not a really big deal, honestly. I try to keep activities to things that are financially comfortable for all of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I think it’s weird that you all have to have mom friends. Virtually all women are capable of and have babies. Does that mean you have to hang around with all women? If the only thing you have in common with another woman is that you both have children, that’s weird virtually all women are capable of and have babies. Does that mean you have to hang around with all women? If the only thing you have in common with another woman is that you both have children, that’s no basis for a friendship.

I have lots of friends who don't have kids, so I'm not saying that all or even most of my friends have to be moms (or women!). But having mom friends IS nice because there is a lot of shared experience to talk about. That's different than just the "capability" to have kids, which is honestly beside the point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I think it’s weird that you all have to have mom friends. Virtually all women are capable of and have babies. Does that mean you have to hang around with all women? If the only thing you have in common with another woman is that you both have children, that’s weird virtually all women are capable of and have babies. Does that mean you have to hang around with all women? If the only thing you have in common with another woman is that you both have children, that’s no basis for a friendship.

Do you have children? When you have kids you meet their moms through activities or school and become friends with some of those people. It just happens. I don't have to have mom friends. I just do because most of the women I come in contact with are moms. I also have single and childless friends through shared hobbies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was 24 and in law school when my kid was born. I had zero mom friends until he started kindergarten - it was a long lonely journey till then, and I still don't have many good mom friends, and none of their kids are friends with my kid. I was wholly excluded from everything.

Were you able to establish friendships with your child's friend's parents?

Once he was in school, yes. In daycare, no mom's would talk to me or be nice.

Daycare parents aren't really chummy with each other. Usually they are working moms who are extremely busy.

[Anonymous]

I’m 30, and my oldest just started kindergarten. I’ve always lived in places where the other moms are at least ten years older than me. It’s not necessarily bad or a problem, but there’s always a sense of...I don’t know, that they had a lot more life as a non-mom adult? I don’t regret my choices at all, I’d rather travel and sleep late in my 40s when I’ll have money and appreciate how nice it is not to have to get up to nurse, but it’s a whole different world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I think it’s weird that you all have to have mom friends. Virtually all women are capable of and have babies. Does that mean you have to hang around with all women? If the only thing you have in common with another woman is that you both have children, that’s weird virtually all women are capable of and have babies. Does that mean you have to hang around with all women? If the only thing you have in common with another woman is that you both have children, that’s no basis for a friendship.

I have lots of friends who don't have kids, so I'm not saying that all or even most of my friends have to be moms (or women!). But having mom friends IS nice because there is a lot of shared experience to talk about. That's different than just the "capability" to have kids, which is honestly beside the point.

I mean, if you asked me about friends in general, I would say that my best friends tend to be closer to me in age. Some of them are people from high school or college, some were starting out in their careers when I was, too. Other friends have a shared interest and might be older or younger, but that's similar to the "mom friends" situation.

I think the thing that the OP was getting at is that when you have children, you are thrown together with a lot of other mothers who also have children that age, and some will become more your friends than others. I found that when I was in the baby stages, the age of the other mothers didn't matter at all, because we were all overwhelmed with the basics of life with babies and changing family dynamics. As my kids have gotten older, I spend less time on those topics both in conversation and in terms of what I'm doing all day long, and so I'm more likely to make friends with people in a similar stage of life to me who also have kids around my kids' ages.

[Anonymous]

I'll be your friend as long as you don't try to sell me that MLM crap under the guise of wanting to by my mom friend.

[Anonymous]

I'm an older mom (42, with a 4yo and 18mo) in DC. I have no idea of the ages of the moms of my kids' friends and I really don't care if they are older or younger. I did get irritated talking to another mom who kept mentioning how young she was. But I view that as her expressing her own insecurity than anything having to do with me. I do gravitate to other moms who have kids in the same age ranges, have similar educational levels and who work full-time outside the home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I am different, if I connect with a person it usually has nothing to do with age. Are older moms only comfortable being around other older moms? Do younger moms have an issue being in a group with older moms?

good looking women want to hang around with other good looking women. same syndrome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I am different, if I connect with a person it usually has nothing to do with age. Are older moms only comfortable being around other older moms? Do younger moms have an issue being in a group with older moms?

good looking women want to hang around with other good looking women. same syndrome.

Insecurity?

[Anonymous]

I'm an older mom, and am definitely friendly with younger moms, but find the folks I'll probably keep as personal friends have ended up being other older moms. May be coincidence - and there are definitely exceptions, but it's nice to have folks in similar life stage moments to share things with.

[Anonymous]

There is a division? I haven’t noticed.

[Anonymous]

I actually posted about this a while ago. Don't know where my thread is now. I had a hard time understanding why I was kind of different than other parents of my teen DD. I thought it was bcs I was an immigrant, and that is a part of it. And while I am not a young mom, had my last at 29, it turns out most moms of DD's(my younger kid) friends are at least over 50 and some were approaching 60. It wasn't really that they were older than me, it was more that they had older kids, and then wanted more kids in 40s, or had more kids second time around... and were settled in the community and had established relationships and I was new to the area and the school, so to say. I was told I look young, but I don't know if that is true, I don't feel young and I don't think I look younger than I am, but then again, maybe they were just being polite. I have friends that I had before and I am happy with that. I also think it is unusual that some parents of teens are at the HS non stop, I mean all the time, doing decorations, cheering for games, running concessions stands, I understand some help, but some are there all the time. But, I am certainly grateful that they are willing to do that and appreciate their effort. I found that I get along easier with other immigrants, which is also normal. I do have some parents who adopted kids from the area I am from ask questions about temper and such, and I always answer politely. I mean what do I know? Or maybe they saw I was fine on my own, which I am, and they were good doing their own thing? But, it is rather unusual to me that almost a 60 year old has 17 year old dd, but if it works for them, no harm done, right? But, no I don't think she will ever want to be my friend, nor do I need her as a friend. I think this is only an issue when you have young kids.