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How to deal with husband’s rage events?
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Anonymous
| This man is ABUSIVE, and you'll need to leave him unless there is a complete change of behavior. Seek help for the process. |
Anonymous
Raging, angry people can injure others without having planned it... No one is saying he is making plans to hurt you or your kids, but they're worried he will do so in a rage. |
Anonymous
In your first post, you painted the picture of a monster. He doesn't sound normal at all and we all can have bad days dealing with stress, etc. but what he is doing to you and your children is NOT NORMAL. I don't think there are any coping techniques except to get out. What do you want us to tell you to do? Wear a paper bag around the house so he doesn't have to look at you? Take yourself and your children somewhere where you will feel safe 100% of the time. |
Anonymous
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I saw the murder/suicide thing from OP's post, too. OP is absolutely in denial. She won't leave because of SOME unspoken reason (DH family money, maybe?) that would be illogical to anyone else. OP, keep you and your kids safe. You can't buy that. |
Anonymous
Her logic, behavior, and warped POV is typical of people in her situation. Granted, I'm not abused and NEVERhave been, so I simply CANNOT understand WHY women like her subject their kids to such a toxic environment. I do not understand why they do not "get" that they are ruining their children and causing a life of emotional struggles for them. I'm sure the OP would not tolerate that behavior out of her child's teachers, daycare providers, or any other person in their lives, so WHY does an intelligent mom allow them to be exposed to a father like that? Coping? I would not even try thearapy. I would speak to an attorney and figure out how to keep this guy as far as possible from the children. Maybe it will never progress into a physical problem, but emotional scars can run even deeper. I feel so sorry for those babies hearing their dad rage like that, I bet that scares them more than their mother wants to face or realize. |
Anonymous
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I wasn't going to comment on this thread because I felt there were others more qualified than I, but I just reread OP's original post and can't help but say something.
OP, please know that as a total outsider, you sound like a classic victim of abuse - particularly when you say that you think it must be something that you are doing wrong. Please don't keep trying to fix the situation or yourself. Hear what I and many others are saying: You and your children are in an abusive situation. If he's not open to getting help, please get out before something bad happens. If not for you, for your children. What a scary and heartbreaking situation this must be for them that will only get worse. |
Anonymous
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PP again here: I totally agree with the poster who recommended that you teach your oldest about dialing 411 and what to do in an emergency - just in case things escalate when you least expect it.
It sounds like you make a good income and have yourself together...I just don't understand why you would take this and subject your children to this danger. |
Anonymous
Ah - whoops! Of course I meant 911... |
Anonymous
I say an initial trial separation while he goes to therapy. That way, you are safe, he's getting help, and maybe you can repair the relationship later. |
Anonymous
Yep. I concur. OP, as someone who survived an abusive situation, I understand a little where you're coming from. You're so busy walking on eggshells that finding clarity, or even the time, to think straight and make a plan of action seems harder than just putting up with life as you've come to know it. But you know what, you have to get that clarity, some way, somehow, because it's only going to get worse. Trust me. My late husband "wasn't a monster" either. But he was incredibly abusive in many of the same ways your H is. And, before I knew it, he *was* a monster. It did get physical. Then he started with paranoid delusions that I was cheating on him, that justified his controlling my contact with others. I wasn't allowed to have a cell phone. When the cops gave me a 911-only cell phone, he found it and destroyed it. If I tried to use the landline phone to call the police (it was the only way, finally, that I could get him to leave the house in the middle of one of his rages) he'd take the phone from me or disable it (remove the transmitter from the cordless phone base station and it becomes a paper weight). This is an abbreviated list, I could go on. But from the beginning, the hallmark of all of his (mis)behaviours was the same disproportionate, illogical reactions that your H is displaying. I finally left when I saw fear in DD's eyes -- he'd lost the ability to control his rages around her. Less than a month later he was dead -- suicide. When he didn't have anyone else to unleash his anger on, he turned it on himself. So, lessons learned from someone who's been there: (i) make a safety plan, pack a bag for you and the kids with essentials, money, and important documents; (ii) get counseling for yourself to get closer to having the clarity you'll need to do the right thing; (iii) confide in a neighbor or friend, someone on the outside who you can call for help on a moment's notice; (iv) consider yourself and your children first, your safety is most important. But, if you must think of your abuser's well being, consider this -- if this is untreated mental illness (and it sounds to me like it is) you'll be in a better position to help him -- if you feel you must -- once you and your kids are safe and you're not walking on eggshells all the time. I don't regret having left my husband. I do regret not having left earlier. Maybe if I had, I would have been clear-headed enough to recognize what was obviously a terribly mentally ill person spiralling out of control and get him help before it was too late. |
Anonymous
Exactly what I was thinking. My mother is borderline, and my sisters and I suffered treatment similar to what OP describes for our whole childhood. My sister and I often feel like we had no childhood and our lives were ruined. Please, OP, for the sake of your children leave your husband. It never gets better, and it will scar your children. I wish my father left my mother and took us with him. |
Anonymous
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http://tearsandhealing.com/borderline-personality-disorder5.htm?utm_source=YSM&utm_campaign=T%26H&utm_term=borderline+personality+disorder&utm_medium=cpc&utm_content=NotCrazy-LrnDisor-StopAb
OP, has it occured to you that he might snap while in a rage and hurt or kill your children as a way to hurt you? Hundreds of millions of people go to work and come home and make dinner for their family without behaving in the way that you describe. It is not "normal" by any definition of the word. Contrary to 70's pop psychology, current research indicates that the more anger is "vented" the more angry people become, so you are not doing him any favors by allowing this to continue either. The more effective strategies are used to manage anger, the more even keeled people become. Stay safe OP and protect those kids.. |
Anonymous
| The rages plus the big debt make it look like he is in the bipolar spectrum. Bipolar does not necessarily have giddy highs or deep lows. My SO presented with regular explosive rages, excessive spending, and excess sexuality at times. I told him we were going to see a psychiatrist (you can go with him to help explain symptoms, because he won't do them justice), or I was going to raise our child on my own, because I would not have a kid around his behavior. He complied, is on a mood stabilizer, and is doing better. |
Anonymous
| OP, I think you have gotten some really good advice here, especially from 16:11. I think you owe it to your husband to make a real effort to get him help. You can ask his doctor or your EAP for suggestions re: a psychiatrist. What happens after that appointment is mainly up to DH but regardless, you will have tried. If DH had always raged that would be one thing but for this to have come on fairly suddenly really does suggest mental illness (as does the spending). If he had a broken leg you'd get him to the ER, right? Another benefit of the diagnosis, your children may have a genetic predisposition, so you will know what to look for. Good luck OP. |
Anonymous
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OP, I've been worried about you. Don't know if you've seen this threasd, but 13:56 has some good advice.
http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/15/75659.page |