How to deal with husband’s rage events?

[Anonymous]

My husband has what are now daily rage events where he yells, berates me, hurls insults, calls me a bitch, tells me to f-off, sometimes throws things etc…these take place when I get home from work and on Saturday mornings.

I understand that the ones during the week are an outlet for him to relive the frustrations of his day. Also, he gets home before me and cooks dinner which adds to his stress. Yes, I have offered to cook, but he is the better chef (by FAR) and refuses to eat whatever I make, won’t let me go to the grocery store etc…so he has made this his area, fine whatever….I am just tired coming home to this everyday - it has been about 18 month-2 yrs. I have tried everything including calling him just prior to my arrival so he can get it out, fighting back, ignoring it/leaving the room, walking in the door with a smile on my face and being extra nice. Nothing has worked and I inevitably get mad and defend myself or my children, which escalates the rage due to me “not backing him up.”

The Saturday rage events are a result of him wanting me to stay home and clean while he does whatever he needs to do combined with feeling left out b/c once I clean for a couple of hours then usually take the kids (2 and 4) on an outing of some kind (our kids get up at 5, he sleeps until 7-7:30, by which time I am fully caffeinated and doing chores, we are usually out of the house by 8 or so). He never takes the kids out, except to the grocery store if he feels like it, and if he joins us at the playground, on a walk or whatever he complains and is unpleasant to be around – we usually leave earlier than would be the case with just me and kids. Again, I have tried everything I know of to stop this, but nothing works.

I really can’t deal with this anymore – not sure what the next steps are, he won’t go to therapy or anger management classes, but I am wondering what are the best ways to handle him/his behavior – Clearly I am doing something (or many things!) wrong as nothing is working.

Sorry for the long post, thanks for any advice.

[Anonymous]

OP - You're not doing ANYTHING wrong; you have an abusive husband.

[Anonymous]

OP, this is not "stress relief." He is abusive, and it's only a matter of time before he hits you or one of your children. Think of them. It cannot be good for them to be growing up in this environment. You are their only protection against his behavior, which is probably very upsetting for them. Your husband needs help, but you cannot give it. You need to leave and soon. Sorry to be so blunt, but I've seen this situation before, and it never gets better on its own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - You're not doing ANYTHING wrong; you have an abusive husband.

Ditto this. You aren't doing anything wrong at all. He's out of control and needs help.

Just a thought: Do you think there may be an issue with drugs or alcohol?

And there's a great article on a husband with rage in last month's O Magazine (Oprah's). Might help a little with gaining perspective. Because I can't stress to you enough, no matter what you do on this planet, in this marriage, in that house, NONE of what he is doing is OK.

[Anonymous]

he sounds like an angry housewife.

seems pretty clear he needs some therapy or some other healthy way of letting his stress out.

[Anonymous]

Agree with the PPs, he is abusive, and growing up in that environment is harmful for the kids. He needs help, yes, but you also need to protect yourself and your children and get out of there.

[Anonymous]

Imagine your son modeling that behavior one day, yelling at his wife and children. Imagine your daughter submitting to an abusive husband, scared and helpless. All because you taught them that it's ok for a man to tear his family down out of his own selfish need.

You need to leave. You need to mean it.

Your husband needs a solid wake-up call, something you haven't tried before (no placating, no arguing, no fighting back). If he values you, he will turn it around. If he doesn't, you will have gained your freedom, and a world more happiness for your children.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. But I know well how an abusive household can destroy a child's hope for a happy adulthood. Please get them away from him; their whole future is at risk.

[Anonymous]

OP here, thanks for the advice. I am pretty sure divorce is around the corner, but it is hard for me to get my head around and deal with it emotionally and financially - did I mention his $40,000 credit card debt that has nearly bankrupted us?

"Imagine your son modeling that behavior one day, yelling at his wife and children. Imagine your daughter submitting to an abusive husband, scared and helpless." I think about this multiple times daily and it pains me, I try to create a buffer for them so I take the brunt of it but my 4 yo DS is starting to wise up and feels like he has to defend me ( I know, that kills me too and isn't good)

yes, he is most definitely an angry housewife - it doesn't help that I am the primary bread winner and make 2x what he does, but to some extent that isn't my problem. He is capable of finding a new job, but is afraid of the process/resistant to change. and as I have said I have tried to alleviate some of the dinner burden to no avail...

[Anonymous]

It seems like you're not ready to up and leave. Maybe try giving him an ultimatum and see how he responds.

If anything, I think therapy might help you too, as an individual, to realize that this is not your fault and to help you work through your own thoughts and come up with ways to cope with your dysfunctional husband. Please try it.

[Anonymous]

OP, you mentioned that it's been 18 months to 2 yrs since he's been like that. Was he like that before? If not, I'd suggest a physical to rule out any physical or mental illnesses that could be causing the rage.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm really sorry. My husband had similar events, though they usually only occurred a few times a month (usually a cluster over a few days, then peace for a while).

What changed things for us was therapy, and lots of it. As someone who has struggled with depression for my whole life, I thought I recognized depression in him, but he refused to see someone for it. Then I got really bad post-partum depression & started seeing a therapist, who insisted that he & I also go see a couples' therapist. After about six months in couples' therapy, the couples therapist convinced him to see a therapist on his own; eventually he agreed to see a psychiatrist for antidepressant medication.

This all started three years ago. Now we see the couples' therapist once a week; I see my therapist twice a week, and he sees his therapist four times a week. We're both on antidepressants.

The incidents of him shouting & throwing things have gotten fewer & further between; the last one was six weeks ago. We're getting better and better at communicating and not letting things escalate.

Of course, this has cost a bundle, and we're now ineligible for life insurance. But I'm able to make a life with the man I fell in love with, and our beautiful son is growing up watching a marriage that's healthier than would have been possible when he was born.

[Anonymous]

Leave. I was in this situation and it escalated to him picking me up and throwing me into a chair and then a wall. Please call 1?800?799?SAFE .

[Anonymous]

He is abusive, no question about that.

Take your children and leave.

No one deserves to be treated like he is treating you.

[Anonymous]

OMG. That's horrible. What a horrible life for you and for your kids to be raised in. You are enabling him - trying to find ways to placate an abuser.

Write us back when he starts hitting you.

What I really mean is, GET OUT.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you are going to stay then I'd teach your 4 year old to call 911, and I'm not being flip.

Since you are not constrained by not having an income you owe it to your kids to get out and insist on his getting screened for depression and bipolar at minimum. The rage, running up huge debt - all red flags for mental illness.