advice for cancelling a date

[Anonymous]

Maybe I'm projecting my own biases since most posters don't reveal their genders, but it seems like the guys are generally saying "be honest and give him the reason," which is respectful but also confrontational, while the women are generally saying "ghost him" or "make up a lie about getting back together with an ex," as a way to reduce the potential for conflict. I'm a guy, so I would suggest the former (he did bad things in his past; he did not mistreat you)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I'm projecting my own biases since most posters don't reveal their genders, but it seems like the guys are generally saying "be honest and give him the reason," which is respectful but also confrontational, while the women are generally saying "ghost him" or "make up a lie about getting back together with an ex," as a way to reduce the potential for conflict. I'm a guy, so I would suggest the former (he did bad things in his past; he did not mistreat you)

You could be right in general, but female poster here with a loved one who overcame some pretty terrible stuff and genuinely turned his life around. Yes he has a history and a record, but that's not who he is anymore.

I'm not saying that would be the case for all people with a history of addiction and arrest, but I guess if nothing else it means that if you're going to be bothered by these things then you need to get to know someone better before getting that intimate with them. There are any number of personal history factors that would be better to know ahead of time for your own well-being.

If you like him and felt safe around him, I say bring it up and at least ask if it's currently an issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I'm projecting my own biases since most posters don't reveal their genders, but it seems like the guys are generally saying "be honest and give him the reason," which is respectful but also confrontational, while the women are generally saying "ghost him" or "make up a lie about getting back together with an ex," as a way to reduce the potential for conflict. I'm a guy, so I would suggest the former (he did bad things in his past; he did not mistreat you)

I think for a woman, if she feels unsafe, the ghosting is the best option. Men don't usually feel unsafe in this scenario. But they can be aggressive, demanding, and pushy when they feel disrespected and get angry and can be violent.

Not all men. Hey, not even most men. But enough men so if a woman is killed we pretty much know there is a 98% chance it was her boyfriend, husband, or ex who did it.

[Anonymous]

If he’s a recovering addict he’s not serious about it- he was drunk in a bar. Addicts can’t pick and choose their intoxicats, it’s all or nothing.

Move on immediately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he’s a recovering addict he’s not serious about it- he was drunk in a bar. Addicts can’t pick and choose their intoxicats, it’s all or nothing.

Move on immediately.

This.

[Anonymous]

Guy here.

You don't strike me as really assertive or as the tough type who can convincingly tell a guy to f*ck off, so I would suggest going the "ex-boyfriend is back" route. You're trying to be nice which makes me think that he could explain his way out of the situation and, even if you don't believe him, you'll give him a chance out of guilt.

He knows where you live and knows one of your friends, so you can't just disappear. Go the ex route and move on.

[Anonymous]

mselmer wrote:please help! I went to the bar with friends, drank too much alcohol, met a cute guy who also drank too much alcohol, and hit it off. I was comfortable with him because he was there with a male acquaintance of mine from my neighborhood so I assumed "Joe" is a nice, normal guy. That same night, Joe and I went back to my place, and had sex with a condom. Next morning, we agreed to go on a date and he left my house. We texted for the next couple of days. On one text I named a store I was at, think Macy's. He replied that Macy was his last name. I didn't think anything of it at the time. A few days pass and he texts me about going on a date to go for drinks soon. I replied I was interested and then we made plans. The next day I was doing nothing so I Googled him. I was shocked to see that he has had a couple of arrests for heroin possession and larceny over a 10 year period. The two towns he has told me he lived in, the name, and his age all match up so I'm certain it is him! Obviously, I want to cut ties immediately. In my previous texts he talked about how he can't wait to see me again and I texted "me too". How do I break the date and all contact with him?

Simple. You say "OK, 'Joe' 'Macy', if that even is your real name... This gal just did herself a little Googlin' and what did I find? [Rueful chuckle] Well, well, well, looks somebody was in the smack business for a while. That's right, Horse, Junk, Dope... the Big H. Uh-huh... Hair-o-inn... You understand where I'm going with this thing? China?, China White?, Skag?... Look, brother, I'm on to your con and I'm sayin' Get lost, charlie."

Try that.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I texted him back "It was great to meet you. I thought I was ready to move on from my ex, but we've been talking again and I still love him. I want it to work. I'm sorry."

He didn't reply so he gets it.

I wanted to be kind to him and let him down easy. I would never want him to lose hope that he can have a relationship with a woman. It just can't be me. A man with a serious drug past is not at all what I want in a partner. But I'm sure there's someone out there who can understand and cope with it.

Thanks, everyone, for your input and ideas. They really helped me!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not going to slut shame you here. You used a condom. 90% you're ok health-wise. Keep on top of yourself, but you used protection.

Just ghost this dude and move on.

But this is literally a legit reason why slut-shaming should be an acceptable thing!!! It’s for her own damn protection!!!! Guess what—it’s try that not ALL slutty behavior leads to dangerous circumstances with potentially creepy dudes, but you know what doesn’t lead down that path? Hmmmm...a little shame might help OPs judgement next time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I texted him back "It was great to meet you. I thought I was ready to move on from my ex, but we've been talking again and I still love him. I want it to work. I'm sorry."

He didn't reply so he gets it.

I wanted to be kind to him and let him down easy. I would never want him to lose hope that he can have a relationship with a woman. It just can't be me. A man with a serious drug past is not at all what I want in a partner. But I'm sure there's someone out there who can understand and cope with it.

Thanks, everyone, for your input and ideas. They really helped me!

Good for you OP! I think you handled this the right way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I texted him back "It was great to meet you. I thought I was ready to move on from my ex, but we've been talking again and I still love him. I want it to work. I'm sorry."

He didn't reply so he gets it.

I wanted to be kind to him and let him down easy. I would never want him to lose hope that he can have a relationship with a woman. It just can't be me. A man with a serious drug past is not at all what I want in a partner. But I'm sure there's someone out there who can understand and cope with it.

Thanks, everyone, for your input and ideas. They really helped me!

Pathetic. You did not grow or learn from this experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I texted him back "It was great to meet you. I thought I was ready to move on from my ex, but we've been talking again and I still love him. I want it to work. I'm sorry."

He didn't reply so he gets it.

I wanted to be kind to him and let him down easy. I would never want him to lose hope that he can have a relationship with a woman. It just can't be me. A man with a serious drug past is not at all what I want in a partner. But I'm sure there's someone out there who can understand and cope with it.

Thanks, everyone, for your input and ideas. They really helped me!

Pathetic. You did not grow or learn from this experience.

What exactly did you want her to learn? Grow, how exactly?

State your age and marital status, just out of interest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I texted him back "It was great to meet you. I thought I was ready to move on from my ex, but we've been talking again and I still love him. I want it to work. I'm sorry."

He didn't reply so he gets it.

I wanted to be kind to him and let him down easy. I would never want him to lose hope that he can have a relationship with a woman. It just can't be me. A man with a serious drug past is not at all what I want in a partner. But I'm sure there's someone out there who can understand and cope with it.

Thanks, everyone, for your input and ideas. They really helped me!

Pathetic. You did not grow or learn from this experience.

OP doesn’t owe us a fives pages essay on how she learned from her experience. I appreciate the update though.