advice for cancelling a date

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:wow. i don't even go on an first date with someone i met online without finding out his last name and doing a google search.

get tested for stds. call your doctor - i have a vgue idea there is a drug you can take after sex if you may have been exposed to HIV. see if you should take it. heroin is iv drug use - he may have shared needles.

i might not ghost. i might instead text politely and tell him thanks,but you have decided you are not interested or decided instead it would be best if you don't see each other again.

yikes.

She had sex with a condom. Testing in general is good but no need to make emergency appointments and panic.

[Anonymous]

Tell him you ended up getting back together with an ex and can’t see him again.

[Anonymous]

Women love bad boys.

[Anonymous]

This is all terrible advice. I think you need to tell him exactly why you don't want to see him again. Would you want a guy to do this to you? Tell him you have heard that he has drug problems and you can't see a way forward with his past. You owe him a proper explanation. Who are these ghosting advocates? Terrible people.

[Anonymous]

mselmer wrote:please help! I went to the bar with friends, drank too much alcohol, met a cute guy who also drank too much alcohol, and hit it off. I was comfortable with him because he was there with a male acquaintance of mine from my neighborhood so I assumed "Joe" is a nice, normal guy. That same night, Joe and I went back to my place, and had sex with a condom. Next morning, we agreed to go on a date and he left my house. We texted for the next couple of days. On one text I named a store I was at, think Macy's. He replied that Macy was his last name. I didn't think anything of it at the time. A few days pass and he texts me about going on a date to go for drinks soon. I replied I was interested and then we made plans. The next day I was doing nothing so I Googled him. I was shocked to see that he has had a couple of arrests for heroin possession and larceny over a 10 year period. The two towns he has told me he lived in, the name, and his age all match up so I'm certain it is him! Obviously, I want to cut ties immediately. In my previous texts he talked about how he can't wait to see me again and I texted "me too". How do I break the date and all contact with him?

I would not ghost.

I would bring it up. I would say, I found out that you had XYZ in your past and I wanted to see when you were going to tell me about it and what is going on with it now... People can change and reform.

[Anonymous]

Don’t ghost and don’t bring up the past bc that will open the door for discussion.

[Anonymous]

This thread is textbook double standards - what does her having a one-night stand have to do with anything?

[mselmer]

Anonymous wrote:I would kindly text him, letting him know that you have changed your mind about the date.

Tell him you also think it best to no longer communicate & wish him all the best.

Then never communicate w/him again.
Ever.

I'm the OP. I realize I made a terrible mistake with my actions that night. It was impulsive and dangerous. I was drunk, and I've been horny and lonely for years but especially since I broke up with my BF last October, who I on;y dated for 5 months. I'm almost always single. I could never ghost someone. I aim to treat people the way I want to be treated. I think he deserves the respect of me informing him that I'm canceling our date. So I sent him a text hours ago stating "I changed my mind about the date. I can't communicate with you anymore. I wish you all the best." He replied soon after, "ok".

Then I made an appt with my doctor for STD testing next week. I should get my period in about 6 days (I use a phone app to chart my period to avoid pregnancy, and use condoms).

Now 7 hours later, he's texting me asking why I have a change of heart when things started off so great. He was probably shocked earlier and is now confused. I don't want to hurt or insult him by bringing up that I know about his drug addiction/arrests. I don't know if he's still using heroin, but he's drinking alcohol, which is a bad sign. I once read that only 10% of heroin addicts fully recover. I do not want to form a relationship with someone with a drug history, especially a longtime problem with heroin.

What should I do?

[Anonymous]

mselmer wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would kindly text him, letting him know that you have changed your mind about the date.

Tell him you also think it best to no longer communicate & wish him all the best.

Then never communicate w/him again.
Ever.

I'm the OP. I realize I made a terrible mistake with my actions that night. It was impulsive and dangerous. I was drunk, and I've been horny and lonely for years but especially since I broke up with my BF last October, who I on;y dated for 5 months. I'm almost always single. I could never ghost someone. I aim to treat people the way I want to be treated. I think he deserves the respect of me informing him that I'm canceling our date. So I sent him a text hours ago stating "I changed my mind about the date. I can't communicate with you anymore. I wish you all the best." He replied soon after, "ok".

Then I made an appt with my doctor for STD testing next week. I should get my period in about 6 days (I use a phone app to chart my period to avoid pregnancy, and use condoms).

Now 7 hours later, he's texting me asking why I have a change of heart when things started off so great. He was probably shocked earlier and is now confused. I don't want to hurt or insult him by bringing up that I know about his drug addiction/arrests. I don't know if he's still using heroin, but he's drinking alcohol, which is a bad sign. I once read that only 10% of heroin addicts fully recover. I do not want to form a relationship with someone with a drug history, especially a longtime problem with heroin.

What should I do?

I told you what to do earlier -- block, ghost, move on with life -- but you didn't do that because you needed to be "nice" to him. Now he wants an explanation and a conversation and so on when all you want to be is done. A hard head makes a soft ass. *shrug*

[Anonymous]

Listen to me. Tell him you got back together with a boyfriend and you can’t see him
Tell him it was great and if things doing work out you will get in contact
Apologize and don’t say the real reason
Sometimes a little white lie is ok

[Anonymous]

mselmer wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would kindly text him, letting him know that you have changed your mind about the date.

Tell him you also think it best to no longer communicate & wish him all the best.

Then never communicate w/him again.
Ever.

I'm the OP. I realize I made a terrible mistake with my actions that night. It was impulsive and dangerous. I was drunk, and I've been horny and lonely for years but especially since I broke up with my BF last October, who I on;y dated for 5 months. I'm almost always single. I could never ghost someone. I aim to treat people the way I want to be treated. I think he deserves the respect of me informing him that I'm canceling our date. So I sent him a text hours ago stating "I changed my mind about the date. I can't communicate with you anymore. I wish you all the best." He replied soon after, "ok".

Then I made an appt with my doctor for STD testing next week. I should get my period in about 6 days (I use a phone app to chart my period to avoid pregnancy, and use condoms).

Now 7 hours later, he's texting me asking why I have a change of heart when things started off so great. He was probably shocked earlier and is now confused. I don't want to hurt or insult him by bringing up that I know about his drug addiction/arrests. I don't know if he's still using heroin, but he's drinking alcohol, which is a bad sign. I once read that only 10% of heroin addicts fully recover. I do not want to form a relationship with someone with a drug history, especially a longtime problem with heroin.

What should I do?

Block his number. You already told him you wouldn't be communicating. So don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Listen to me. Tell him you got back together with a boyfriend and you can’t see him
Tell him it was great and if things doing work out you will get in contact
Apologize and don’t say the real reason
Sometimes a little white lie is ok

Do this! I mentioned this earlier in the thread because it works. By saying you got back with an ex you aren’t ghosting but you also aren’t encouraging further contact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women love bad boys.

Apparently not since she’s trying to get out of seeing him again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women love bad boys.

Apparently not since she’s trying to get out of seeing him again.

Oh she knew, long before she ran the background check. I'm a guy and I can pick out a bad guy from a mile away. Just ask my daughter.

[Anonymous]

Is there any chance it’s not the same person? My DH has a pretty uncommon name but there are one or two other people with the same name and one is from the same area originally. When I first met DH I googled him and some stuff related to the other guy came up and I assumed it was DH. It wasn’t anything bad like what you’ve found but anyway might be worth considering...