Help me decipher her code

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Passive aggressive. I'd call her bluff. Don't make any plans, and when she complains, get your DH to be confused and say, "oh, you said that you didn't want to see them for the rest of the summer so we made plans without you. Maybe next summer we can do things more often, if you'd like that."

Don't say this. It's mean and pointless.

+1. Mil never said any such thing.

She said that she wouldn't be seeing them for the rest of the summer. So I guess it should be "you said you wouldn't be seeing them for the rest of the summer so we made plans without you."

She will learn not to make those remarks in future if she doesn't want you to take them seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Passive aggressive. I'd call her bluff. Don't make any plans, and when she complains, get your DH to be confused and say, "oh, you said that you didn't want to see them for the rest of the summer so we made plans without you. Maybe next summer we can do things more often, if you'd like that."

Don't say this. It's mean and pointless.

+1. Mil never said any such thing.

She said that she wouldn't be seeing them for the rest of the summer. So I guess it should be "you said you wouldn't be seeing them for the rest of the summer so we made plans without you."

She will learn not to make those remarks in future if she doesn't want you to take them seriously.

Agreed. We had to do something similar to deal with my MIL passive-aggressiveness. It has actually worked, and thhings are much better now. She knows we will act on the petty, PA things she says.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Passive aggressive. I'd call her bluff. Don't make any plans, and when she complains, get your DH to be confused and say, "oh, you said that you didn't want to see them for the rest of the summer so we made plans without you. Maybe next summer we can do things more often, if you'd like that."

Don't say this. It's mean and pointless.

+1. Mil never said any such thing.

She said that she wouldn't be seeing them for the rest of the summer. So I guess it should be "you said you wouldn't be seeing them for the rest of the summer so we made plans without you."

She will learn not to make those remarks in future if she doesn't want you to take them seriously.

Ugh. I can't imagine every treating my spouse's parent this way.

If you can't communicate well with your in-laws, leave the communication to your spouse. Responding to passive aggressive comments with passive aggressive responses makes you just as much as a jerk as the person you are responding to. Just because she was rude doesn't make it right to be rude back to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Passive aggressive. I'd call her bluff. Don't make any plans, and when she complains, get your DH to be confused and say, "oh, you said that you didn't want to see them for the rest of the summer so we made plans without you. Maybe next summer we can do things more often, if you'd like that."

Don't say this. It's mean and pointless.

+1. Mil never said any such thing.

She said that she wouldn't be seeing them for the rest of the summer. So I guess it should be "you said you wouldn't be seeing them for the rest of the summer so we made plans without you."

She will learn not to make those remarks in future if she doesn't want you to take them seriously.

Ugh. I can't imagine every treating my spouse's parent this way.

If you can't communicate well with your in-laws, leave the communication to your spouse. Responding to passive aggressive comments with passive aggressive responses makes you just as much as a jerk as the person you are responding to. Just because she was rude doesn't make it right to be rude back to her.

Telling your spouse to "act confused" and then respond in a way that's just as passive aggressive as the MIL makes you a jerk. No, I'm not saying let the MIL have her way or give in to her behavior. I'm saying don't react to her this way because it's mean and doesn't get your point across anyway so it won't change her future behavior in a positive way.

It would be better to say (or have your husband say) I'm sorry you feel that way. We certainly don't intend to keep you from seeing the kids. But it is hurtful to us when you make it sound like you are blaming us for not letting you see the kids when we did no such thing. Unfortunately, with their camps and your vacation it just didn't work out to see you more this summer. If you'd like to plan another visit, please just say so clearly and we'll be happy to try and do that. But please don't make remarks that make it seem like it's our intention to not spend time with you because that is unkind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Passive aggressive. I'd call her bluff. Don't make any plans, and when she complains, get your DH to be confused and say, "oh, you said that you didn't want to see them for the rest of the summer so we made plans without you. Maybe next summer we can do things more often, if you'd like that."

Don't say this. It's mean and pointless.

+1. Mil never said any such thing.

She said that she wouldn't be seeing them for the rest of the summer. So I guess it should be "you said you wouldn't be seeing them for the rest of the summer so we made plans without you."

She will learn not to make those remarks in future if she doesn't want you to take them seriously.

Ugh. I can't imagine every treating my spouse's parent this way.

If you can't communicate well with your in-laws, leave the communication to your spouse. Responding to passive aggressive comments with passive aggressive responses makes you just as much as a jerk as the person you are responding to. Just because she was rude doesn't make it right to be rude back to her.

Telling your spouse to "act confused" and then respond in a way that's just as passive aggressive as the MIL makes you a jerk. No, I'm not saying let the MIL have her way or give in to her behavior. I'm saying don't react to her this way because it's mean and doesn't get your point across anyway so it won't change her future behavior in a positive way.

It would be better to say (or have your husband say) I'm sorry you feel that way. We certainly don't intend to keep you from seeing the kids. But it is hurtful to us when you make it sound like you are blaming us for not letting you see the kids when we did no such thing. Unfortunately, with their camps and your vacation it just didn't work out to see you more this summer. If you'd like to plan another visit, please just say so clearly and we'll be happy to try and do that. But please don't make remarks that make it seem like it's our intention to not spend time with you because that is unkind.

Ugh. Talk about condescending. What is she, 3? I don't even talk to my 4 year old that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Passive aggressive. I'd call her bluff. Don't make any plans, and when she complains, get your DH to be confused and say, "oh, you said that you didn't want to see them for the rest of the summer so we made plans without you. Maybe next summer we can do things more often, if you'd like that."

Don't say this. It's mean and pointless.

+1. Mil never said any such thing.

She said that she wouldn't be seeing them for the rest of the summer. So I guess it should be "you said you wouldn't be seeing them for the rest of the summer so we made plans without you."

She will learn not to make those remarks in future if she doesn't want you to take them seriously.

Ugh. I can't imagine every treating my spouse's parent this way.

If you can't communicate well with your in-laws, leave the communication to your spouse. Responding to passive aggressive comments with passive aggressive responses makes you just as much as a jerk as the person you are responding to. Just because she was rude doesn't make it right to be rude back to her.

Telling your spouse to "act confused" and then respond in a way that's just as passive aggressive as the MIL makes you a jerk. No, I'm not saying let the MIL have her way or give in to her behavior. I'm saying don't react to her this way because it's mean and doesn't get your point across anyway so it won't change her future behavior in a positive way.

It would be better to say (or have your husband say) I'm sorry you feel that way. We certainly don't intend to keep you from seeing the kids. But it is hurtful to us when you make it sound like you are blaming us for not letting you see the kids when we did no such thing. Unfortunately, with their camps and your vacation it just didn't work out to see you more this summer. If you'd like to plan another visit, please just say so clearly and we'll be happy to try and do that. But please don't make remarks that make it seem like it's our intention to not spend time with you because that is unkind.

Ugh. Talk about condescending. What is she, 3? I don't even talk to my 4 year old that way.

Is your 4 year old passive aggressive? What do you suggest? Being rude and passive aggressive back to MIL?

[Anonymous]

The saddest part of this whole thread is that there are so many people who think that it is okay to be so unkind and rude to their husband's mother. I cannot imagine ever acting like that with my husband's mom, even if she were in her most agitated mood. And especially since it doesn't sound like she did or said anything wrong.

Reading OP's post I only get that OP is mean and vindictive. I think her behavior is a horrible model for her children and I feel badly for them. I also think it really sucks that OP seems to be holding them hostage in some way and not being amenable to letting them see their grandparents because of some perceived slight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was passive aggressive but you can shoot it down. Call or whatever and say “it was great to see you the other day! I was thinking how right you were that with your long trip just before the kids’ camp, your visiting time was limited this year. Let’s get together in August. What works for you?”

Well... it looks like the consensus is that she was being passive aggressive. Which means she’s upset/hurt by whatever. And I’ve learned from the past that she gets wacky when she’s that way, and I just don’t have the skills to deftly deal with that. (Usually ends up with one or both of us in tears). So I will tell DH to handle it with her and offer her the invitation to visit. Because he knows how to deal with her.

I guess you lost me at "one or both of us in tears." Do I have an usually low tolerance, because if that were me it would be tears 2-3 times within a relatively short period and then I'd emotionally un-engage. Oh wait, I did that. still feel guilty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was passive aggressive but you can shoot it down. Call or whatever and say “it was great to see you the other day! I was thinking how right you were that with your long trip just before the kids’ camp, your visiting time was limited this year. Let’s get together in August. What works for you?”

Well... it looks like the consensus is that she was being passive aggressive. Which means she’s upset/hurt by whatever. And I’ve learned from the past that she gets wacky when she’s that way, and I just don’t have the skills to deftly deal with that. (Usually ends up with one or both of us in tears). So I will tell DH to handle it with her and offer her the invitation to visit. Because he knows how to deal with her.

I guess you lost me at "one or both of us in tears." Do I have an usually low tolerance, because if that were me it would be tears 2-3 times within a relatively short period and then I'd emotionally un-engage. Oh wait, I did that. still feel guilty.

I'm with you, PP. No way would I be letting my MIL get me so frustrated or furious that I'm in tears... and then still be caring about her feelings.

[Anonymous]

OP here and wow, I missed a lot here. I wasn't trying to vilify my MIL, just trying to figure out what she meant. But I realize now it's impossible for strangers to know, without all of the context and knowing how she is, when even her own family doesn't know what she means.

I'm ignoring what she said and leaving it to my DH. I know that sounds cold or weird to some of you, but it doesn't sound weird once you know that my MIL hardly ever means anything she says. It took me many years of tears trying to figure out what she meant, trying not to make her cry again, and thinking my DH was being cold and unfeeling by telling me that I just needed to ignore everything she says. She's not a bad person, she can be very kind, thoughtful, generous, but the freaky thing is that she is not conscious of what she is doing or saying the majority of the time. She will also not remember anything she has said in the past. And she does not realize when she she contradicts herself. And sometimes she does things that seem kind of spiteful or petty - but she has no idea why she's doing it- she is not doing it consciously.

I've learned to put up some boundaries and keep an emotional distance after a lot of anguish, and we are both better off for it. I can appreciate her as a MIL who loves her grandchildren, and I do make an effort to have them see the kids throughout the year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here and wow, I missed a lot here. I wasn't trying to vilify my MIL, just trying to figure out what she meant. But I realize now it's impossible for strangers to know, without all of the context and knowing how she is, when even her own family doesn't know what she means.

I'm ignoring what she said and leaving it to my DH. I know that sounds cold or weird to some of you, but it doesn't sound weird once you know that my MIL hardly ever means anything she says. It took me many years of tears trying to figure out what she meant, trying not to make her cry again, and thinking my DH was being cold and unfeeling by telling me that I just needed to ignore everything she says. She's not a bad person, she can be very kind, thoughtful, generous, but the freaky thing is that she is not conscious of what she is doing or saying the majority of the time. She will also not remember anything she has said in the past. And she does not realize when she she contradicts herself. And sometimes she does things that seem kind of spiteful or petty - but she has no idea why she's doing it- she is not doing it consciously.

I've learned to put up some boundaries and keep an emotional distance after a lot of anguish, and we are both better off for it. I can appreciate her as a MIL who loves her grandchildren, and I do make an effort to have them see the kids throughout the year.

Why assume that there is some subtext? Why not take her at her word and not try to read anything else into it.