Help me decipher her code

[Anonymous]

Drop the rope.

[Anonymous]

I think your thread proves my thread, that your MIL doesn't hate you, but vice versa... not necessarily the hate part, but dissecting and finding wrong with everything. She seems to be have adjusted to your family and kids being busy and realistic that y ou don't see them, but now she is a fault again? Or, if she doesn't care and has plans for the rest of the summer, it is her fault again. There is just no winning. And here I was told DILs do not look for picking a fight with MILs, but vice versa.

[Anonymous]

Hhhmmm. Your MIL made a true statement of fact. The summer is about half over. And then she offered a wish for you all to enjoy the rest of the summer.

You can take those to heart and believe she gave you good wishes, or you can take it to the gut and believe that she just socked you a good one. Your choice. You cannot control other people, you can only control how you respond to other people. Try to believe that she had good intentions.

Your whole post is worded pretty nicely but honestly it reads to me like you are more willing to look for the insults and to be passive aggressive in some sort of weird retaliation. Your inlaws took a vacation. Well, gosh, they should be flayed. You scheduled camp for when the grandparents returned. Well, golly, you should be … See how that works?

In the meantime, if they live close by then invite them over for Sunday dinner every once in a while. Or if they have a pool, ask if the kids can come over and swim. Or ask if they will meet you at the rec pool. Whatever.

The point is that the meet-ups needs to be more than just about your ego or your feelings about your inlaws. You and your husband have a chance to set up some small playdates with your inlaws. It is up to you and your husband to do it or not.

You can get into the argument that they (your inlaws) should make that effort … well, really, who cares who does it? The end game is your children spending time with their grandparents. Does it really matter who took the first step?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your thread proves my thread, that your MIL doesn't hate you, but vice versa... not necessarily the hate part, but dissecting and finding wrong with everything. She seems to be have adjusted to your family and kids being busy and realistic that y ou don't see them, but now she is a fault again? Or, if she doesn't care and has plans for the rest of the summer, it is her fault again. There is just no winning. And here I was told DILs do not look for picking a fight with MILs, but vice versa.

+1 I agree with you that the DIL, in this case OP, sounds more like she is trying to pick a fight. I really didn't read anything critical or meanspirited in the MIL's comments.

[Anonymous]

Passive aggressive. I'd call her bluff. Don't make any plans, and when she complains, get your DH to be confused and say, "oh, you said that you didn't want to see them for the rest of the summer so we made plans without you. Maybe next summer we can do things more often, if you'd like that."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your thread proves my thread, that your MIL doesn't hate you, but vice versa... not necessarily the hate part, but dissecting and finding wrong with everything. She seems to be have adjusted to your family and kids being busy and realistic that y ou don't see them, but now she is a fault again? Or, if she doesn't care and has plans for the rest of the summer, it is her fault again. There is just no winning. And here I was told DILs do not look for picking a fight with MILs, but vice versa.

Thank you, person who is neither a DIL nor a MIL, for your non-insight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Yes, I'm sure Kevin will be in touch to plan a future visit. See you when we see you!"

+1

If you are confused or not sure what to do, why are you hanging onto this? Punt it to your husband. It's his responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Passive aggressive. I'd call her bluff. Don't make any plans, and when she complains, get your DH to be confused and say, "oh, you said that you didn't want to see them for the rest of the summer so we made plans without you. Maybe next summer we can do things more often, if you'd like that."

Don't say this. It's mean and pointless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry. My MIL is like that and nothing I do is right and DH never gets blamed -- it's my fault. Just ignore her and don't let it get to you.

Just ignore. I stopped putting any weight on the silly stuff my In laws said or did pretty quickly.

[Anonymous]

My MIL once got mad at DH and didn’t talk to him for three months, to prove her point. When she finally decided she was over it, she called to see the grandkids. We were really busy at the time, couldn’t make plans for all of us, but told her she could come by anytime to see the kids. She said, “Well, maybe you can make time for me in another three months!”

As if it was our choice to give her the silent treatment.

Mental Illness, OP, seriously.

[Anonymous]

ech, weird way to talk for sure.

but my MIL says riddles like this when they are booking their flights to visit: "well, thanks for telling us the week that works for you guys, but we have to make sure this trip is worth our while." (WTF does that mean? we owe them room & board equivalent to their flight costs?)

then we'll get a surprise FW of their flights for their 3 week visit a few days later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Passive aggressive. I'd call her bluff. Don't make any plans, and when she complains, get your DH to be confused and say, "oh, you said that you didn't want to see them for the rest of the summer so we made plans without you. Maybe next summer we can do things more often, if you'd like that."

Don't say this. It's mean and pointless.

Agreed that this is bad advice. I would hope any DH would not fall for being so weird with his own mother, also.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Passive aggressive. I'd call her bluff. Don't make any plans, and when she complains, get your DH to be confused and say, "oh, you said that you didn't want to see them for the rest of the summer so we made plans without you. Maybe next summer we can do things more often, if you'd like that."

Don't say this. It's mean and pointless.

What else is he supposed to say? "Yeah, we knew you were being a b!tch but we decided not to bother with you. Next time don't throw a tantrum."?

Or you're one of the people who expects the wife to chase up an obnoxious MIL to try to schedule something when really they could take it or leave it?

[Anonymous]

Don't try to decipher what she wants. Just try to plan regular visits.

When you are scheduling the summer, talk to her before you've made final plans. So in October (or whenever), when you are looking at summer camps say "Jane, we're considering putting the kids in Camp June 12-July 18. Did you want to plan a visit before we pay for camp?

When she says "Hope you have a nice rest of the summer" just say "Well, we have 4 more weeks. Do you want to schedule a visit during that time?"

Try to be accommodating of them wanting to visit the grandkids before you or they have plans that can't be changed. I know it's work, but if you tried to include them in scheduling earlier, it might help her realize how much effort you are putting in to include them before plans are set in stone. I know that my MIL is pretty flexible six months out, but less flexible 4-8 weeks out. We normally don't plan much more than 4-8 weeks out, but if we are planning something, like summer camps, we try to talk to her before she books a lot of things that she needs to schedule around. She usually is willing to skip events that she has planned if she can do so before she's paid for travel or events.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Passive aggressive. I'd call her bluff. Don't make any plans, and when she complains, get your DH to be confused and say, "oh, you said that you didn't want to see them for the rest of the summer so we made plans without you. Maybe next summer we can do things more often, if you'd like that."

Don't say this. It's mean and pointless.

+1. Mil never said any such thing.