Help me decipher her code

[Anonymous]

I am not really good at reading in between the lines. And my MIL speaks in code so I need some help deciphering.

We invited them over to visit, and spend some time with the kids. Nice visit, and as usual, the kids were showered with gifts. We took them out to lunch, and they insisted on paying the bill. They don’t get to see the kids much over the school year, because of their schedules. Maybe once every couple months even though they live only an hour away.

Summer is our chance to spend time with family and friends who are all over. Aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, etc. MIL has historically been emotionally needy and in tears over not seeing her grandchildren enough. But also has expressed frustration about being used for babysitting the grandchildren (usually speaking of the other grandchildren, but maybe she says the same about us). She also often posts on Facebook about how she misses her grandchildren and wishes they knew how much she thinks of them constantly.

Well this summer, they booked a 3 week long trip that started exactly when the kids were done school for the summer. And they pretty much came back just as they were starting summer camp for a month. So they haven’t seen them until now.

As they were leaving, MIL says, well you guys “enjoy the rest of your summer”. Said weirdly. And I was like, “well hopefully we’ll see you again before the end of the summer” and she says “well the summer is already half over- it’s end of July” and then they left.

Ok. So does this mean she wants to see them or not? And should I even be giving this a second thought, and just let my DH figure it out?

[Anonymous]

I am sorry. My MIL is like that and nothing I do is right and DH never gets blamed -- it's my fault. Just ignore her and don't let it get to you.

[Anonymous]

Your MIL is being a drama llama. I would not engage with that in any way shape or form. 100% your DH needs to deal with this.

My MIL would say the exact same thing. And I would have just say "see you soon!" and left it at that.

The more you respond to her random guilt trips the more she'll lay them on you.

What we do: we remain open and loving when she wants to see the kids, but we do hold up our boundaries. Meaning if she calls at 8am on Saturday saying she wants to come over right then, but we already have plans, we decline (or invite her). She always refuses. When she calls in advance and asks to schedule a time, we will always schedule a time that works for us. But we won't drop everything for her whims.

It helps she is a really good grandmother and really loves my kids. She's just somehow HORRIBLE at planning, and then blames us for not picking up her slack. She also likes to complain we don't use her for baby sitting and then will also complain about driving to our house etc. We can't win, we already know that. So we do what works for us and our kids, and let her figure out the rest. If she doesn't like it, she's welcome to change her approach. I have seen small shifts, but nothing earth shattering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry. My MIL is like that and nothing I do is right and DH never gets blamed -- it's my fault. Just ignore her and don't let it get to you.

Same here. She's being passive aggressive. Just let her be but do what you need to do.

[Anonymous]

Who knows? Just ask her if she wants to try to get together again.

[Anonymous]

Super passive aggressive. I wouldn't bother dealing with her.

[Anonymous]

It was passive aggressive but you can shoot it down. Call or whatever and say “it was great to see you the other day! I was thinking how right you were that with your long trip just before the kids’ camp, your visiting time was limited this year. Let’s get together in August. What works for you?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It was passive aggressive but you can shoot it down. Call or whatever and say “it was great to see you the other day! I was thinking how right you were that with your long trip just before the kids’ camp, your visiting time was limited this year. Let’s get together in August. What works for you?”

Well... it looks like the consensus is that she was being passive aggressive. Which means she’s upset/hurt by whatever. And I’ve learned from the past that she gets wacky when she’s that way, and I just don’t have the skills to deftly deal with that. (Usually ends up with one or both of us in tears). So I will tell DH to handle it with her and offer her the invitation to visit. Because he knows how to deal with her.

[Anonymous]

Your MIL is sad about how little she sees the kids. That's the whole story.

Stop rationalizing (post was very long for little content).

Either own your choices (and the response) or do differently. (Yeah, MIL could hold her son accountable, too but that is not what this is about).

The last weeks of school are pretty empty. Couldn't you have driven up to see her one day after school?

I know the last place on earth I want to spend any vacation days this august is my home state, but my husband and I are driving along Rt 95 to spend a day each with my mom and my dad before sending our son off to college. It will make them happy, and sometimes that's the right thing to do.

[Anonymous]

I've made a vow to deal with people more directly. That means I have to say what I mean, and also I have to take other's words at face value. If someone speaks in a code that I don't understand, that's their problem. Your mil's comment about summer being half over is just that. She made no further comments to clarify, so don't put words in her mouth.

I've tried to decode my mom's words for years, but life is way easier now that I just either ignore coded passive aggressive messages or take them at face value.

Incidentally, some people will always assume you have unspoken meaning. Nothing you can do about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your MIL is sad about how little she sees the kids. That's the whole story.

Stop rationalizing (post was very long for little content).

Either own your choices (and the response) or do differently. (Yeah, MIL could hold her son accountable, too but that is not what this is about).

The last weeks of school are pretty empty. Couldn't you have driven up to see her one day after school?

I know the last place on earth I want to spend any vacation days this august is my home state, but my husband and I are driving along Rt 95 to spend a day each with my mom and my dad before sending our son off to college. It will make them happy, and sometimes that's the right thing to do.

Huh? We took the kids and went to visit them the day before they left on their 3 week trip. And we invited them to visit a week and a half after they got back. Both times, WE made the initiative. And last weeks of school are NOT empty! After camp, the kids will still have another 4 weeks before school starts again and they have nothing else going on.

[Anonymous]

Stop. Op you need to stop. The fact that you would even want to, "figure out" anything re: what she meant/feels, you are way off-track. Ignore what she says, it's unimportant. Their actions are all that matters. Her actions, not her words. Now, don't go demonizing their actions, either ... just accept. It is what it is. And btw, there is NO reason you should have this on your mind any more than your DH has this on his mind. Not healthy. Not healthy for your family. If you need a strength to face MIL, know that you are modeling behavior for your children. They will have to be confident when they are up-against MIL or similar. Don't do your children a disservice by you not being able to handle this.

[Anonymous]

Don't let them grab the check!!! Rookie

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your MIL is sad about how little she sees the kids. That's the whole story.

Stop rationalizing (post was very long for little content).

Either own your choices (and the response) or do differently. (Yeah, MIL could hold her son accountable, too but that is not what this is about).

The last weeks of school are pretty empty. Couldn't you have driven up to see her one day after school?

I know the last place on earth I want to spend any vacation days this august is my home state, but my husband and I are driving along Rt 95 to spend a day each with my mom and my dad before sending our son off to college. It will make them happy, and sometimes that's the right thing to do.

Huh? We took the kids and went to visit them the day before they left on their 3 week trip. And we invited them to visit a week and a half after they got back. Both times, WE made the initiative. And last weeks of school are NOT empty! After camp, the kids will still have another 4 weeks before school starts again and they have nothing else going on.

Sorry. I got tripped up in the long long saga over very little. If you are seeing her regularly, then it is still the case she wants to see them more. That is all she is saying. It isn't deep or mysterious. You don't need great people skills for that.

If you think you are seeing them enough, then own it. But just because you think it is enough doesn't mean that MIL is going to agree. Just own your choice. Otherwise it is just whining.

[Anonymous]

"Yes, I'm sure Kevin will be in touch to plan a future visit. See you when we see you!"