Parents don't like adult child

[Anonymous]

I feel sorry for your sister - she ends up having to spend time with these awful humans. Cut ties and count your blessings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Those who advise family estrangement are really foolish. It's constant on this site. Unless there is active abuse don't do it. Families are problematic but they are also your support system.

Unless they aren’t.

Then just pull back to a safe distance. Estrangement is excessive for many of the situations around her.

As for this OP, pull back. Cancel their room. Expect less, but It doesn't sound like you are ready for estrangement.

I'm sure this isn't the first time OP's parents have attempted to manipulate ('we wont' come unless you apologize') her. You can call it pulling back if you want but 'estrangement' is probably healthier for OP.

I can't believe they won't come for OP's DS's Bat Mitzvah. My DH's family are all strong South American Catholics - with the exception of his cousin (who is like a sister) who converted to Judaism when she married her Jewish DH. DH's family was aghast but would NEVER have considered not attending events important to her and her family. FWIW - their kids' are the only Bat/Bar Mitzvahs we've been to.

[Anonymous]

I echo what most everyone else has said. You need to cut your parents out of your life. If you have a good relationship with your sister I would still try to maintain that, but there’s nothing good about this relationship with your parents. Focus on the friends and family that are healthy relationships.

[Anonymous]

Op. Yes, I have a great relationship with my sister. She can be insensitive but mostly also vents about our parents.

I spoke with DH about getting some more space (not cutting off but not inviting to vacations and family events anymore and putting myself out there). He's very against it and makes good points -- family is family, they are our kids' grandparents, and he's brushing them off so I shouldn't be hypertensive. He also pointed out that it's been like this for years, which is true. I wish he was more supportive of my feelings but I also think my feelings cannot trump his feelings. If he's fine with it, then I'm being silly. I just wish it didn't hurt. I feel ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op. Yes, I have a great relationship with my sister. She can be insensitive but mostly also vents about our parents.

I spoke with DH about getting some more space (not cutting off but not inviting to vacations and family events anymore and putting myself out there). He's very against it and makes good points -- family is family, they are our kids' grandparents, and he's brushing them off so I shouldn't be hypertensive. He also pointed out that it's been like this for years, which is true. I wish he was more supportive of my feelings but I also think my feelings cannot trump his feelings. If he's fine with it, then I'm being silly. I just wish it didn't hurt. I feel ridiculous.

You are NOT ridiculous. I don't know about you, but I am the one responsible for most communications with my parents. I am in your sister's boat where my parents don't approve of my sister's husband for racial reasons so they disowned her. My DH didn't want my kids to not have a relationship with their grandparents/cut them off too, so I just keep them at an arm's distance; I wanted to completely cut ties. Phone calls are limited and few, and the kids see them about 2-4 times a year. We don't do family trips which makes things easier.

I assume that DH isn't directly talking to your parents, so you do have some power to limit the conversations and time spent. Do what you can and feel comfortable with. Maybe talk to someone else about how to set boundaries that work for you besides your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op. Yes, I have a great relationship with my sister. She can be insensitive but mostly also vents about our parents.

I spoke with DH about getting some more space (not cutting off but not inviting to vacations and family events anymore and putting myself out there). He's very against it and makes good points -- family is family, they are our kids' grandparents, and he's brushing them off so I shouldn't be hypertensive. He also pointed out that it's been like this for years, which is true. I wish he was more supportive of my feelings but I also think my feelings cannot trump his feelings. If he's fine with it, then I'm being silly. I just wish it didn't hurt. I feel ridiculous.

You are not being silly or hypersensitive. It is perfectly reasonable to feel hurt with this kind of treatment from family, especially parents. It IS very hurtful. Feeling ridiculous also seems reasonable since you know something is wrong and aren't being allowed / allowing yourself to feel hurt.

Creating distance doesn't have to be some big decision you both agree on with a plan you initiate at this very moment. It be can very gradual and more about the emotions than actual physical distance. About managing expectations and protecting yourself from their hurtful manipulations.

I strongly agree with previous posts about talking to a therapist at least once to ensure you know you are not being silly, hypersensitive or ridiculous - your parents just sound like assholes who don't know how to show you love in a healthy way.

[Anonymous]

Are your parents super religious? What is their specific beef? My (Christian) parents would not dream of acting this way against me for marrying a Jewish guy and raising our children Jewish. It sounds like there is something "else" there, but maybe I'm naive.

If I were in your shoes, I would either just confront it head-on or really try to create more distance. Clearly you can't keep repeating the same cycle and hoping for the best. By confront it head on, I mean either write them a long letter explaining your position as tactfully as possible or better yet ask them for a get-together where it's just you and them. Sometimes people react better when they have time to think and won't get as defensive if they read it first, which is why that option has worked for me to bring up and resolve conflict.

[Anonymous]

Whenever I read these types of threads I am reminded that there are two sides to every story.
OP---are your parents leaving their estate to your sister because you and your DH are already wealthy and your sister is not?
Are you and your DH significantly wealthier than your parents such that your parents don't feel like they can compete in the gift-giving department? Is the "stuff" from their house that they are giving to your children things that they think might have sentimental meaning---e.g., is it your mom wanting to give your daughter her old costume jewelry so she can play "dress up"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Those who advise family estrangement are really foolish. It's constant on this site. Unless there is active abuse don't do it. Families are problematic but they are also your support system.

Unless they aren’t.

Then just pull back to a safe distance. Estrangement is excessive for many of the situations around her.

As for this OP, pull back. Cancel their room. Expect less, but It doesn't sound like you are ready for estrangement.

Why is it excessive? If you are getting more pain than pleasure out of a relationship, why continue? I see nothing positive out of these parents. All hurtful abuse.

[Anonymous]

My parents are racist bigots who started distancing themselves from us when I married a Jewish man (great DH, father and all around good person who everyone other than my family loves). They started nitpicking random things about him but stepping back I think it was just racism. They don’t seem to have an issue with other family members’ spouses, even the ones who are absent dads and have cheated. Some people just have their biases and they can’t get over them. We have always left the door open, but ultimately we have very little contact because I feel protective of myself, DH and my kids. Even though I try to protect everyone else, when my parents treat me badly it affects my mental state and makes it harder to be present for my kids. I don’t know why your parents are doing these things OP but they are obviously very hurtful and you shouldn’t feel like you have to continue to subject yourself to them.

[Anonymous]

stop making plans with them. My grandmother was like this, I think I saw here maybe 6 times my whole life before she died at age 62 because she was awful, and frankly, it doesn't matter. As a child, I did not feel bad about having a crappy grandma because i had a great mom. your kids will be fine if you don't let them have access to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op. Yes, I have a great relationship with my sister. She can be insensitive but mostly also vents about our parents.

I spoke with DH about getting some more space (not cutting off but not inviting to vacations and family events anymore and putting myself out there). He's very against it and makes good points -- family is family, they are our kids' grandparents, and he's brushing them off so I shouldn't be hypertensive. He also pointed out that it's been like this for years, which is true. I wish he was more supportive of my feelings but I also think my feelings cannot trump his feelings. If he's fine with it, then I'm being silly. I just wish it didn't hurt. I feel ridiculous.

It is none of your husband's business how you want to manage your family honestly. I think its kind of troubling how you talk about him, he shouldn't be calling you hypertensive. And your feelings are EQUAL to his feelings, and when it pertains to your family they DO trump his feelings. My family frequently do things that slight my husband and he could not care less. But I care that they do those things and I stand my ground against them for it. Being a jerk is wrong regardless of whether or not the victim is crying themselves to sleep about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op. Yes, I have a great relationship with my sister. She can be insensitive but mostly also vents about our parents.

I spoke with DH about getting some more space (not cutting off but not inviting to vacations and family events anymore and putting myself out there). He's very against it and makes good points -- family is family, they are our kids' grandparents, and he's brushing them off so I shouldn't be hypertensive. He also pointed out that it's been like this for years, which is true. I wish he was more supportive of my feelings but I also think my feelings cannot trump his feelings. If he's fine with it, then I'm being silly. I just wish it didn't hurt. I feel ridiculous.

No, just because he's fine with it doesn't mean you're being silly.

Does your husband make plans with your parents? I'm guessing not. So you don't need his permission to back off from your own parents. Stop inviting them on vacations. It's not like he's going to invite them for you. Invite them only to major family events, and then don't expect them to attend. Contact them less frequently--whatever feels okay to you--and lower your expectations. You know how they behave. Expect them to behave that way. Don't get your hopes up that they will change, because they won't. You don't have to make an announcement, and you don't have to get anyone's permission, you just have to cut back how much contact you have with them, how much time you spend with them, and how much emotional energy you invest in them.

[Anonymous]

Your own treatment aside... OP, please protect your children from these toxic people. Perhaps right now they may be too young or sheltered to understand that they are being treated in an inferior fashion to their cousins, but they will understand and figure it out sooner rather than later. Do you want them to do the same approval dance, wondering what they've done wrong and what they can do to make their grandparents love them? I don't think you do.

I'm not saying complete estrangement, but do not pass on the crappy, unsafe gifts. Limit the phone calls and visits to a bare minimum. Don't let your parents infect your otherwise happy family with their toxicity.

[Anonymous]

No one is perfect, but your parents are harmful to you and your entire family. You will only be able to live in peace once you cut ties with them. Don't let the guilt of leaving them behind eat away at you. The damage you will do by keeping them in your life will be far worse.