Parents don't like adult child

[Anonymous]

My parents were always crappy but never as bad as when they met my husband. The only comments were that he was too short and Jewish. I ignored them (I was in love and really didn't notice -- or didn't want to) but they always talked negatively about him. I think when we had kids, I really started noticing the favoritism to my sister. The result is that they regularly go on vacations with her and her kids, buy her kids beautiful presents for Christmas and birthdays and have nothing to do with me or my kids. They have told me that they will leave all their estate to her. I have no problem with any of these things since I don't need money, vacations, or presents. I'm okay with the occasional family visit and not the materialistic things.

What I do have a problem with is the way they treat me. My kids are given used garbage getting their house (old costume jewelry that is unsafe for little kids or used Christmas decorations or stained shirts from thrift stores). It's shocking. I'd rather they gave nothing and told them so. We still get their junk and always with a big to-do of how they got little Jimmy 5 presents. And they don't regularly visit us, so they are spending more money on postage than the gifts. I know that it's the thought that counts but here the thought is pretty lousy.

Last week, that cancelled a weekend vacation with our family because they decided (over a month after we booked the rooms) that we hadn't asked nicely enough (saying nothing at the time and agreeing to make it work). That's obviously a ruse but they insist that it's my fault and claim that they will go if I apologize and ask nicely. I refuse to do this because it feels like a game. And I know that I'll just get hurt if then they don't come. There's no money lost since we can still cancel but it's just the hurt feelings.

Today, still reeling from last week, they announce over text message that they refuse to attend our oldest son's bar mitzvah this Spring because I "abuse" them. He'll understand because he's a smart kid but I feel hurt again. On one hand, it has become obvious to me that my parents are bigots. On the other, I'm just wondering why my parents don't love me.

[Anonymous]

OP:. What's the answer in these situations?

[Anonymous]

They suck. Do you get anything positive from the relationship? Are they nice to you or your kids in any way? Are you close with your sister?

I’d scale way back on my expectations. Stop hoping they’ll become better people. Decide if it’s worth continuing to put energy into them.

[Anonymous]

1 - this is not your fault, not the fault of your kids
2 - therapy for you to help you work through this
3 - cut all ties/all contact with hurtful parents

[Anonymous]

Cut ties. Stop allowing yourself to be abused.

[Anonymous]

For your kids’ sake cut ties.

[Anonymous]

Time to end this toxic relationship. I’m so sorry.

[Anonymous]

What 5:44 said.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP, we don't always get the parents we deserve.

What can you do to protect your own precious children?

[Anonymous]

just for more context, what does yourvsistervsaybabout thus?

[Anonymous]

As the daughter and daughter in law of two Jewish women who married non Jewish men and went through the same thing with their husbands families I want to tell you to stay strong and distance yourself to spare your children. Some grandparents come around and some don’t. I have an ok relationship with my fathers mother although I know she resents my mother for taking her son away from their home town and further into the world. My husband learned of his grandmothers ossing from a newspaper since his dad completely severed that relationship as they were horrible to him and his wife. It happens and you need to do what’s best for your nuclear family. Don’t subject yourself or your children to them. Lower expectations, don’t expect or count on anything. You will make peace with it eventually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1 - this is not your fault, not the fault of your kids
2 - therapy for you to help you work through this
3 - cut all ties/all contact with hurtful parents

+1 How is you and your sister's relationship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents were always crappy but never as bad as when they met my husband. The only comments were that he was too short and Jewish. I ignored them (I was in love and really didn't notice -- or didn't want to) but they always talked negatively about him. I think when we had kids, I really started noticing the favoritism to my sister. The result is that they regularly go on vacations with her and her kids, buy her kids beautiful presents for Christmas and birthdays and have nothing to do with me or my kids. They have told me that they will leave all their estate to her. I have no problem with any of these things since I don't need money, vacations, or presents. I'm okay with the occasional family visit and not the materialistic things.

What I do have a problem with is the way they treat me. My kids are given used garbage getting their house (old costume jewelry that is unsafe for little kids or used Christmas decorations or stained shirts from thrift stores). It's shocking. I'd rather they gave nothing and told them so. We still get their junk and always with a big to-do of how they got little Jimmy 5 presents. And they don't regularly visit us, so they are spending more money on postage than the gifts. I know that it's the thought that counts but here the thought is pretty lousy.

Last week, that cancelled a weekend vacation with our family because they decided (over a month after we booked the rooms) that we hadn't asked nicely enough (saying nothing at the time and agreeing to make it work). That's obviously a ruse but they insist that it's my fault and claim that they will go if I apologize and ask nicely. I refuse to do this because it feels like a game. And I know that I'll just get hurt if then they don't come. There's no money lost since we can still cancel but it's just the hurt feelings.

Today, still reeling from last week, they announce over text message that they refuse to attend our oldest son's bar mitzvah this Spring because I "abuse" them. He'll understand because he's a smart kid but I feel hurt again. On one hand, it has become obvious to me that my parents are bigots. On the other, I'm just wondering why my parents don't love me.

Geez OP-- what kind of relationship did you have with your parents and sister before you got married? Was there always favoritism? How does your DH feel about this? I would not be okay with his parents treating my kids that way.

It sounds like they are creating drama because they don't want to go on the vacation or make an effort with your family. That's the strategy- they don't want to spend time with your family, so will make it your fault on some petty pretext.

If it were me I would sit down with them, say that you have noticed this treatment through the years and have accepted it when it was only you. However, you have your own family to love and protect and won't accept it on their behalf. If they behave better toward you and your family, perhaps you could spend some time together in the future. If that doesn't happen, you have decided to stop trying to maintain a relationship. That's just me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents were always crappy but never as bad as when they met my husband. The only comments were that he was too short and Jewish. I ignored them (I was in love and really didn't notice -- or didn't want to) but they always talked negatively about him. I think when we had kids, I really started noticing the favoritism to my sister. The result is that they regularly go on vacations with her and her kids, buy her kids beautiful presents for Christmas and birthdays and have nothing to do with me or my kids. They have told me that they will leave all their estate to her. I have no problem with any of these things since I don't need money, vacations, or presents. I'm okay with the occasional family visit and not the materialistic things.

What I do have a problem with is the way they treat me. My kids are given used garbage getting their house (old costume jewelry that is unsafe for little kids or used Christmas decorations or stained shirts from thrift stores). It's shocking. I'd rather they gave nothing and told them so. We still get their junk and always with a big to-do of how they got little Jimmy 5 presents. And they don't regularly visit us, so they are spending more money on postage than the gifts. I know that it's the thought that counts but here the thought is pretty lousy.

Last week, that cancelled a weekend vacation with our family because they decided (over a month after we booked the rooms) that we hadn't asked nicely enough (saying nothing at the time and agreeing to make it work). That's obviously a ruse but they insist that it's my fault and claim that they will go if I apologize and ask nicely. I refuse to do this because it feels like a game. And I know that I'll just get hurt if then they don't come. There's no money lost since we can still cancel but it's just the hurt feelings.

Today, still reeling from last week, they announce over text message that they refuse to attend our oldest son's bar mitzvah this Spring because I "abuse" them. He'll understand because he's a smart kid but I feel hurt again. On one hand, it has become obvious to me that my parents are bigots. On the other, I'm just wondering why my parents don't love me.

Geez OP-- what kind of relationship did you have with your parents and sister before you got married? Was there always favoritism? How does your DH feel about this? I would not be okay with his parents treating my kids that way.

It sounds like they are creating drama because they don't want to go on the vacation or make an effort with your family. That's the strategy- they don't want to spend time with your family, so will make it your fault on some petty pretext.

If it were me I would sit down with them, say that you have noticed this treatment through the years and have accepted it when it was only you. However, you have your own family to love and protect and won't accept it on their behalf. If they behave better toward you and your family, perhaps you could spend some time together in the future. If that doesn't happen, you have decided to stop trying to maintain a relationship. That's just me.

Should have said "I would not be okay with my DH's parents treating my kids that way."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Time to end this toxic relationship. I’m so sorry.

This. Now. Yesterday. Do it soon. Because there is no good here. Cut ties, and cultivate other good healthy relationships for your kids, and you. What you live is what your kids learn. So right now, you are teaching your kids how to be treated by "family." And it's not good.

I know it hurts. But you gotta do this for your kids. And therapy for you. If you get a good therapist, it's very helpful.