Elderly father destroying family harmony & his legacy in pursuit of inheritance

[Anonymous]

I'm curious... If one of those cousins managed to somehow take $10k out of your bank account and told you that you'd never be getting it back, how would you feel about it? And they didn't need the money, either, it was just that they felt especially entitled that day and decided that they should be given a chunk of your money. Would you see it as theft and want to get your money back? Or would it be okay with you, since you value your relationships more than money?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As many pp pointed out, your dad is right on principle and your uncle + cousins appear to be very greedy and entitled. Why would you want harmony with people like that who had screwed over your dad twice?!

Yeah, I was initially with Team Uncle, but I switch now. OP, both your dad and your uncle sound bad, but your uncle is worse. Your uncle basically stole from your dad. Your dad kinda sorta let it go but rubbed your uncle's face in it on occasion. Now your uncle could right his wrong but is choosing not to. Your dad could say "Look, everybody, I'm just tired of his lying and stealing and it ends now" but instead he is pretending he has a higher purpose. I think you should just tell your cousins that you are staying out of it. As they should too. It's between your dad and uncle.

[Anonymous]

I'm now totally on the side of team dAd. I'd be annoyed about him dragging you into it indirectly by saying his actions are for your benefit. His action should are his own.

However, uncle should be the bigger man now, and say I know you disagreed about using money that was ours to split (you never let me forget!), but I want to make it up to you by giving back what you were due (with interest!).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As many pp pointed out, your dad is right on principle and your uncle + cousins appear to be very greedy and entitled. Why would you want harmony with people like that who had screwed over your dad twice?!

Yeah, I was initially with Team Uncle, but I switch now. OP, both your dad and your uncle sound bad, but your uncle is worse. Your uncle basically stole from your dad. Your dad kinda sorta let it go but rubbed your uncle's face in it on occasion. Now your uncle could right his wrong but is choosing not to. Your dad could say "Look, everybody, I'm just tired of his lying and stealing and it ends now" but instead he is pretending he has a higher purpose. I think you should just tell your cousins that you are staying out of it. As they should too. It's between your dad and uncle.

I feel sorry for your dad that he feels that he can't just tell his brother that he (the brother) needs to disburse 50% of the investment income because the original funds belonged to their mother, whose estate was passed on to the two of them equally.

Does the family understand that your dad has a legal right to these funds? I'm wondering if the lack of support for your dad comes from a place of not understanding the legalities of the situation. If so, maybe if a lawyer explained the situation to everyone in a calm fashion, or maybe if there was even a written explanation form a lawyer that could be sent to the family members, maybe they would then come around and be kinder to your dad.

How elderly are your dad and his brother?

[Anonymous]

Yeah, sounds like your dad is on the right side of the law here, as well as ethically and morally right. It's fine for you not to care about the money, but I have no idea why you're dragging your father for not bending over a second time for the sake of preserving family harmony with his greedy and dishonest brother. If you don't want to support your dad, at least stay out of it entirely. Or are you not worried about preserving harmony with him?

[Anonymous]

I think your father is foolish but, just stay out of it. You’ve made your position clear. Your dad can do what he wants.

[Anonymous]

My father is 78 and his brother is 79, almost 80.

It is impossible to stay out of it because my father tells everyone that the money is for his children. He writes pages long emails to the entire family about how he hopes we will use the money.

For context, each of my siblings would receive about $3,000 before taxes. It isn’t a fortune. Maybe we could go on a nice cruise? However, we would lose out on our uncle and cousins at holidays, weddings, and other special events like religious milestones. Everyone would know the reason for the rift. I feel ashamed even thinking about it. I was not raised to think money was more important than family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father is 78 and his brother is 79, almost 80.

It is impossible to stay out of it because my father tells everyone that the money is for his children. He writes pages long emails to the entire family about how he hopes we will use the money.

For context, each of my siblings would receive about $3,000 before taxes. It isn’t a fortune. Maybe we could go on a nice cruise? However, we would lose out on our uncle and cousins at holidays, weddings, and other special events like religious milestones. Everyone would know the reason for the rift. I feel ashamed even thinking about it. I was not raised to think money was more important than family.

Your entire family would shun you and your siblings if your uncle has to pay the money he legally owes your dad?

Your. Father. Is. Not. The. Problem. Here!!!

[Anonymous]

What is your uncle asserting? Is he saying your father gave up his right to the loan disbursement? That her gifted it to your uncle? That it was never your fathers in the first place?

I’m also with team dad. If the estate was split equally, then he’s owed half.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father is 78 and his brother is 79, almost 80.

It is impossible to stay out of it because my father tells everyone that the money is for his children. He writes pages long emails to the entire family about how he hopes we will use the money.

For context, each of my siblings would receive about $3,000 before taxes. It isn’t a fortune. Maybe we could go on a nice cruise? However, we would lose out on our uncle and cousins at holidays, weddings, and other special events like religious milestones. Everyone would know the reason for the rift. I feel ashamed even thinking about it. I was not raised to think money was more important than family.

Apparently your uncle and cousins weren’t raised the same way.

[Anonymous]

Everyone knows that my father forgave the debt. He mentioned it repeatedly at gatherings to shame my uncle. My uncle had offered to give my father half of the original loan amount. It was what he wanted when my grandmother died. My father now says he will only be satisfied with half the investment. He was unwilling to accept any of the risk, but now wants half the reward. He tells people it is all for his children though none of us want it. My cousins think we are two-faced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone knows that my father forgave the debt. He mentioned it repeatedly at gatherings to shame my uncle. My uncle had offered to give my father half of the original loan amount. It was what he wanted when my grandmother died. My father now says he will only be satisfied with half the investment. He was unwilling to accept any of the risk, but now wants half the reward. He tells people it is all for his children though none of us want it. My cousins think we are two-faced.

Exactly what did he say to forgive the loan? Did he say ‘my brother made the worst investment ever and I don’t expect to ever see a dime!’ Or did he say ‘you can keep my share of the worthless loan. I don’t want it’?

Either way, I agree it’s a legal issue if he wasn’t compensated for his portion of the loan as part of the disbursement of the estate.

Team dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone knows that my father forgave the debt. He mentioned it repeatedly at gatherings to shame my uncle. My uncle had offered to give my father half of the original loan amount. It was what he wanted when my grandmother died. My father now says he will only be satisfied with half the investment. He was unwilling to accept any of the risk, but now wants half the reward. He tells people it is all for his children though none of us want it. My cousins think we are two-faced.

You have this exactly backward, but you're not listening to logic or reason. You've already made up your mind that your dad is in the wrong, because you're embarrassed that anyone would think you want the money (even though you've already made it clear it's not for you). You called your dad a braggart for not demanding the money back, and now you're calling him a family destroyer for demanding it back. He can't win with you. Possibly a dozen different people have told you in this thread that your uncle and cousins are being unfair, greedy, and selfish, but you've decided your dad is a monster because he wasn't okay with being ripped off twice. Your poor dad, to have a brother willing to steal from him and you for a kid.

[Anonymous]

I don't see how your dad is a hypocrite. He took one for the team back then (and crowed about it to everyone, sure) but he is damned if he is going to bend over and give some ass to him again. He felt he could forgive that, then. He cannot forgive this, now. It's not the money, it's the principle that your uncle comes out like a martyr/victim AGAIN. That sucks. If it's not a lot of money for you guys, by the same token, it's not a lot of money to them- so why aren't THEY bowing this time? At what point is uncle NOT a hypocrite? Again, stay out of it and let the chips fall- these people suck, even if your dad is the annoying sort.

[Anonymous]

OP - rarely do so many people on DCUM have the same opinion.