Reply to When/how to tell child (and older siblings) that dad is not biological father?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]As an adoptive parent, my advice would be to start from the very beginning in the way you want to proceed.  So, I would be open from day 1, and include information about Steve in age appropriate conversations you would be having anyway.

So, have a photo of Steve, in the same way you might have photos of other people you don't see often.  Maybe in a baby book, or in a photo album with other pictures from your pregnancy and his early years.  When he's a baby hold him on his lap and name pictures.  "That's Steve".  "That's Grandma".  "That's Johnny"

And then, when the kid is a little older, include a little more information.  "That's Steve, your birthfather.  He lives in Kansas."  "That's your cousin Johnny.  See his soccer shirt?  He's playing soccer."  "Look these are the pictures from your first birthday party.  That's Tommy, he used to live next door.  He moved to Hong Kong".    Be matter of fact about it, and don't expect it to all sink in, but some big ideas will, that we have people we're connected to who live close by and those who live far away.

When the kid starts noticing that women get pregnant, and that results in babies, somewhere around 2 or 3, they might ask you how the baby gets in there  (or if they're my kid they might ask "Aunt Susie eats babies?"), and you can say "Babies are made of a part from a woman and a part from a man, but they grow in the woman's body.  You grew in my body."  If the kid wants more, they'll ask more.  It might be the same day "How does the part from the man get in?" or it might be years later.

There will be lots of elements to the conversation, and it will evolve over the years.  A 3 year old might ask "did part of me come from Daddy?" and you can say "Actually, no, part came from me, and part came from Steve." and get out the photo album.  But a 3 year old isn't going to ask "Does that make him my real Daddy?" or "Why would you have sex with another man?"  Their understanding isn't at that level yet.

At some point later, there will be more questions, and more nuanced, and eventually there's a place to say "Your Daddy and I took a break in our marriage, and while we weren't together, I had sex with Steve".  But not in conversation number one or two or ten.  Hopefully by the time that conversation has happened you've both had practice normalizing talking about Steve in a matter of fact way.  [/quote]

Way to much for young kds.[/quote]

What do you suggest instead?[/quote]

The truth.  Mom and Dad split up, Mom was with someone else during that time and I got pregnant with you.  You have husband legally adopt the child if the relationship is stable, but if you split up and were with someone else its probably not that stable.[/quote]

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