Friend cried over me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I am living in lala land. I believe we lost our way and that my wife just needs reminding what we had and what we have.

Your wife cheated on you, says she does not love you, and is still seeing her AP. IF she is invested in the therapy, which is a big “if” already, it can only work if she stops seeing her AP. Your friend understands this. Your wife can keep stringing you along, agree to therapy, etc. because she has everything she wants right now - no annoying divorce proceedings, no reduction in lifestyle, etc. Your friend is right that your self worth is low if you are tolerating this situation with any hope that your marriage will survive. If you were just biding your time until you could divorce, that would be different, but you’re actually believing that your marriage isn’t over.

Also your female friend probably has the hots for you and this is a way for her to communicate that and see how you respond. Provided she’s not married, my recommendation is to start a relationship with her and leave your wife.

[Anonymous]

This post is all about you -- how other people see you, what we think of another person's opinion of you, what your intentions and commitments are. Do we think Person Y is OTT for crying over you?

There's not a lot about your wife's actual experience of the marriage and why things got to this point. There's not much insight.

If this does not change, I do not think things will change.

[Anonymous]

Nothing wrong with trying to work things out. But I have to agree with others, there is no chance for it to work if she's still with her ap.
She is being selfish she needs to let you know one way or another. I would sit her down and ask her if the marriage is worth saving end things with the ap and lets work on this. If not you're wasting your time and its only going to get harder for you

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you. I am going to try my hardest to make this marriage work but I agree, she needs to stop seeing her AP. She is continuing to which is making things difficult.
I do think that once we have therapy she will realise what we had and want to make a go of things again.

[Anonymous]

My friend knows I love my wife deeply. I am not attracted to the friend at all although I greatly appreciate her support.

[Anonymous]

OP sounds like a major loser. I wouldn't cry over you -- I'd slap you like Don Corleone in Godfather. ACT LIKE A MAN.

[Anonymous]

Sorry but, I totally agree with your friend

[Anonymous]

I want to fight for my marriage. If that makes me a loser so be it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you. I am going to try my hardest to make this marriage work but I agree, she needs to stop seeing her AP. She is continuing to which is making things difficult.
I do think that once we have therapy she will realise what we had and want to make a go of things again.

OP! I am so sorry that you are going through this. If your wife wanted to work things out, she would have already stop seeing her AP. She is not making things difficult, she is showing you that doesn't care about your feelings (right now). At this moment, I think that your marriage is over. However, go ahead and do all that you can, because when YOU leave, you will KNON that you did all that you could to save the marriage.

OP, by any chance did you cheat on her prior? I am having a hard time understanding why you are accepting this treatment.

[Anonymous]

Your wife is still seeing the guy and you think your marriage has a future?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I am living in lala land. I believe we lost our way and that my wife just needs reminding what we had and what we have.

Your wife cheated on you, says she does not love you, and is still seeing her AP. IF she is invested in the therapy, which is a big “if” already, it can only work if she stops seeing her AP. Your friend understands this. Your wife can keep stringing you along, agree to therapy, etc. because she has everything she wants right now - no annoying divorce proceedings, no reduction in lifestyle, etc. Your friend is right that your self worth is low if you are tolerating this situation with any hope that your marriage will survive. If you were just biding your time until you could divorce, that would be different, but you’re actually believing that your marriage isn’t over.

Also your female friend probably has the hots for you and this is a way for her to communicate that and see how you respond. Provided she’s not married, my recommendation is to start a relationship with her and leave your wife.

THIS! THIS! THIS!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I want to fight for my marriage. If that makes me a loser so be it.

You want to fight for it? Your wife is cuckolding you. Apart from beating up her affair partner, which it doesn't seem like you are capable of, you're out of options pal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you. I am going to try my hardest to make this marriage work but I agree, she needs to stop seeing her AP. She is continuing to which is making things difficult.
I do think that once we have therapy she will realise what we had and want to make a go of things again.

OP : I was like you and wanted to save my marriage especially for the kids. She said that she wanted this as well and we went for lots of marriage counseling. She talked a lot about wanting to be married etc. But you know what - she kept seeing AP, and I knew this was going on. In the end the ridiculous charade ended. She moved out and is still AP. In the meantime I learned a lot and moved on and have met some great people. The point is that I know from my experience and also the majority of opinion in books and sites surviving infidelity is i) you’re wasting your time. ii) using the wrong approach.

[Anonymous]

Marriage therapy only works if both parties want it to work. Nothing in your posts indicates your wife is interested in making it work. One person alone cannot save a marriage, it only delays its end for a while. My Ex begged me to stay after I cheated (an attempt to get out of the marriage without actually confronting the issues involved), so I did, he ended up hating himself for it because it killed his sense of self worth and I was unhappy because I didn't want to be there, we ended up divorcing two years after that.

[Anonymous]

She still says she isn't ruling it out so there is still hope.
She admitted to kissing a man before and said it could have gone further but didn't. This is her first affair and she has been seeing him for 8 months now. Yet she herself says it isn't serious with him.
We went to a mutual friends party the other week with the kids and it was upsetting. We were laughing and joking with each other and the others at the party but it felt like it wasn't her.
We have a lot of reconnecting to do but I still believe this situation could turn around for the better.