Is it Better to Marry in your 20s or 30s

[Anonymous]

This is such a weird question.

I also think it's weird that people think you ideally postpone marriage so that you can do things like establish your career first. I'm struggling to see why being with a great partner would negatively impact your career?

I think some of you see a spouse as nothing more than a strategic tool to get financial stability or a committed womb, depending on your gender.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is such a weird question.

I also think it's weird that people think you ideally postpone marriage so that you can do things like establish your career first. I'm struggling to see why being with a great partner would negatively impact your career?

I think some of you see a spouse as nothing more than a strategic tool to get financial stability or a committed womb, depending on your gender.

I agree that it is a weird question and that it would be weird to postpone marriage because you thought it would hurt your career (although I think guys need to feel like they can take care of a family before they feel comfortable getting married).

But for women, it would be stupid to not take into account that the clock is ticking. Women should, IMO, if they want children, be laser focused on dating to marry by the time they turn like 24 and try to be married before they are 30. You can look for the right person and not settle and still be focused on your end goal. And if you're focused on getting married you're less likely to date a loser for 5 years and end up 32 with no prospects.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is such a weird question.

I also think it's weird that people think you ideally postpone marriage so that you can do things like establish your career first. I'm struggling to see why being with a great partner would negatively impact your career?

I think some of you see a spouse as nothing more than a strategic tool to get financial stability or a committed womb, depending on your gender.

I agree that it is a weird question and that it would be weird to postpone marriage because you thought it would hurt your career (although I think guys need to feel like they can take care of a family before they feel comfortable getting married).

But for women, it would be stupid to not take into account that the clock is ticking. Women should, IMO, if they want children, be laser focused on dating to marry by the time they turn like 24 and try to be married before they are 30. You can look for the right person and not settle and still be focused on your end goal. And if you're focused on getting married you're less likely to date a loser for 5 years and end up 32 with no prospects.

But a guy's desire to postpone having kids until their career is established isn't tied to their decision to get married. I was married for 10 years before we decided to have kids -- once we both had established careers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is such a weird question.

I also think it's weird that people think you ideally postpone marriage so that you can do things like establish your career first. I'm struggling to see why being with a great partner would negatively impact your career?

I think some of you see a spouse as nothing more than a strategic tool to get financial stability or a committed womb, depending on your gender.

Well, in my case, my career success depended in part on being able to move anywhere for my first job. I had no interest in my 20s in having to find a partner who would move for me, or negotiate that with someone who wasn't willing. Once I got where I was going to be, I turned more of my attention to dating. I married a little later than I think is ideal (I was 34), but at that point I didn't feel at all conflicted about having another person's life to take into account when making decisions.

I do think if you marry very young, like right after high school or college, it's more like you grow up together and make decisions as one entity. I was definitely not mature enough to be married that young, though.

[Anonymous]

I've met a lot of 30 somethings who are still unmarried and mourning that man or woman they dated at 20-24. I've heard people say pretty often that she was the one, they just didn't know it and weren't ready yet to settle down then.

I met DH at 20 which we both thought was too young, but we were too perfectly matched to ever break up. We got engaged at 24, married at 25 and had SO many people (who didn't really know us, just knew our age) counsel us that we were too young. We sowed our wild oats in our 30s, saved money together, bought houses together, paid for each others grad schools, supported each other and traveled the world. We had kids in our 30s. DH and I are a matched pair and are still madly in love. I have no doubt that our strong finances are due to saving together and having joint finances in our 20s while everyone else had studios they struggled to pay for on one salary.

[Anonymous]

Neither... Don’t get married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think men in particular need years to sow their oats, so to speak.
In my observation marriages also tend to fare better in the long run when men marry women who are 10-15 years younger.

I would advise men in their 20s to date women in their 20s respectfully (relationships yes, but be honest that marriage is not in the cards for now). And importantly, work on making a successful career for yourself and saving money. Then marry someone in their mid-to-late 20s when you are 38.

And young women I would advise to date older men, again about 10-15 years, who are already established in their careers -- just NOT married men.

Your old man nose hairs are showing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've met a lot of 30 somethings who are still unmarried and mourning that man or woman they dated at 20-24. I've heard people say pretty often that she was the one, they just didn't know it and weren't ready yet to settle down then.

I met DH at 20 which we both thought was too young, but we were too perfectly matched to ever break up. We got engaged at 24, married at 25 and had SO many people (who didn't really know us, just knew our age) counsel us that we were too young. We sowed our wild oats in our 30s, saved money together, bought houses together, paid for each others grad schools, supported each other and traveled the world. We had kids in our 30s. DH and I are a matched pair and are still madly in love. I have no doubt that our strong finances are due to saving together and having joint finances in our 20s while everyone else had studios they struggled to pay for on one salary.

You two are fortunate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is such a weird question.

I also think it's weird that people think you ideally postpone marriage so that you can do things like establish your career first. I'm struggling to see why being with a great partner would negatively impact your career?

I think some of you see a spouse as nothing more than a strategic tool to get financial stability or a committed womb, depending on your gender.

Careers bring out a self-awareness, maturity and stability in someone fresh out of college and trying to find their self. These traits help set a good foundation identifying and maintaining a relationship with a partner who may be more compatible with post-career you. If you’re going to work in retail all your life, and your partner will too, it may not matter so much. But in DC, you wait to see you’re potential before you lock in someone else’s potential too. You don’t have to be in the final stages, but by then you should both have a pretty solid trajectory on where you want to go, and if that person will be a good fit. Also, a lot of people change their career risks for family needs and regret it later in life.better to figure it out first before marrying for life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've met a lot of 30 somethings who are still unmarried and mourning that man or woman they dated at 20-24. I've heard people say pretty often that she was the one, they just didn't know it and weren't ready yet to settle down then.

I met DH at 20 which we both thought was too young, but we were too perfectly matched to ever break up. We got engaged at 24, married at 25 and had SO many people (who didn't really know us, just knew our age) counsel us that we were too young. We sowed our wild oats in our 30s, saved money together, bought houses together, paid for each others grad schools, supported each other and traveled the world. We had kids in our 30s. DH and I are a matched pair and are still madly in love. I have no doubt that our strong finances are due to saving together and having joint finances in our 20s while everyone else had studios they struggled to pay for on one salary.

You two are fortunate.

NP here. We've had a similar experience to the PP above.

I agree that we are fortunate, but probably not in the way you are saying. People say we are "fortunate" for meeting each other early, but (like PP) I think a lot of people meet the love of their life at a young age. I think we are fortunate for being perceptive enough to recognize what we had in front of us, and to both be crazy enough to set out on a life-long adventure together.

I am a Millennial (32) and think the whole "you do you!" culture that encourages both men and women to commit early, even when they're sure, is fairly toxic. It leaves women my age are making concessions that they never thought they'd make in order to get married and have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've met a lot of 30 somethings who are still unmarried and mourning that man or woman they dated at 20-24. I've heard people say pretty often that she was the one, they just didn't know it and weren't ready yet to settle down then.

I met DH at 20 which we both thought was too young, but we were too perfectly matched to ever break up. We got engaged at 24, married at 25 and had SO many people (who didn't really know us, just knew our age) counsel us that we were too young. We sowed our wild oats in our 30s, saved money together, bought houses together, paid for each others grad schools, supported each other and traveled the world. We had kids in our 30s. DH and I are a matched pair and are still madly in love. I have no doubt that our strong finances are due to saving together and having joint finances in our 20s while everyone else had studios they struggled to pay for on one salary.

You two are fortunate.

NP here. We've had a similar experience to the PP above.

I agree that we are fortunate, but probably not in the way you are saying. People say we are "fortunate" for meeting each other early, but (like PP) I think a lot of people meet the love of their life at a young age. I think we are fortunate for being perceptive enough to recognize what we had in front of us, and to both be crazy enough to set out on a life-long adventure together.

I am a Millennial (32) and think the whole "you do you!" culture that discourages both men and women to commit early, even when they're sure, is fairly toxic. It leaves women my age are making concessions that they never thought they'd make in order to get married and have kids.

Fixed my typo

[Anonymous]

[quote]I agree that we are fortunate, but probably not in the way you are saying. People say we are "fortunate" for meeting each other early, but (like PP) I think a lot of people meet the love of their life at a young age. I think we are fortunate for being perceptive enough to recognize what we had in front of us, and to both be crazy enough to set out on a life-long adventure together.

I am a Millennial (32) and think the whole "you do you!" culture that discourages both men and women to commit early, even when they're sure, is fairly toxic. It leaves women my age are making concessions that they never thought they'd make in order to get married and have kids.[/quote]

“Meeting the love of your life at a young age”: that’s hormones plus not being the cranky older person you later become.

Concessions: yeah, you have to concede that you can only choose from actual people, who might be short or have a few bad habits, rather than Brad Pitt riding up on a unicorn. And my understanding is that early marriages have high divorce rates. You know, because people at 20 are a still a tad more immature than they are at 30.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've met a lot of 30 somethings who are still unmarried and mourning that man or woman they dated at 20-24. I've heard people say pretty often that she was the one, they just didn't know it and weren't ready yet to settle down then.

I met DH at 20 which we both thought was too young, but we were too perfectly matched to ever break up. We got engaged at 24, married at 25 and had SO many people (who didn't really know us, just knew our age) counsel us that we were too young. We sowed our wild oats in our 30s, saved money together, bought houses together, paid for each others grad schools, supported each other and traveled the world. We had kids in our 30s. DH and I are a matched pair and are still madly in love. I have no doubt that our strong finances are due to saving together and having joint finances in our 20s while everyone else had studios they struggled to pay for on one salary.

You two are fortunate.

NP here. We've had a similar experience to the PP above.

I agree that we are fortunate, but probably not in the way you are saying. People say we are "fortunate" for meeting each other early, but (like PP) I think a lot of people meet the love of their life at a young age. I think we are fortunate for being perceptive enough to recognize what we had in front of us, and to both be crazy enough to set out on a life-long adventure together.

I am a Millennial (32) and think the whole "you do you!" culture that encourages both men and women to commit early, even when they're sure, is fairly toxic. It leaves women my age are making concessions that they never thought they'd make in order to get married and have kids.

PP. Yes, what the PPP inferred about self-awareness (and the vision they achieved together) is the precise reason I posted my comment. I get it. It is rare for that quality to exist in young adults. I’m 36, and while I knew at 21, my DH did not until later. It all worked out in the end.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote]I agree that we are fortunate, but probably not in the way you are saying. People say we are "fortunate" for meeting each other early, but (like PP) I think a lot of people meet the love of their life at a young age. I think we are fortunate for being perceptive enough to recognize what we had in front of us, and to both be crazy enough to set out on a life-long adventure together.

I am a Millennial (32) and think the whole "you do you!" culture that discourages both men and women to commit early, even when they're sure, is fairly toxic. It leaves women my age are making concessions that they never thought they'd make in order to get married and have kids.[/quote]

“Meeting the love of your life at a young age”: that’s hormones plus not being the cranky older person you later become.

Concessions: yeah, you have to concede that you can only choose from actual people, who might be short or have a few bad habits, rather than Brad Pitt riding up on a unicorn. And my understanding is that early marriages have high divorce rates. You know, because people at 20 are a still a tad more immature than they are at 30.[/quote]

You sound bitter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is such a weird question.

I also think it's weird that people think you ideally postpone marriage so that you can do things like establish your career first. I'm struggling to see why being with a great partner would negatively impact your career?

I think some of you see a spouse as nothing more than a strategic tool to get financial stability or a committed womb, depending on your gender.

If anything, its the opposite. A lot harder to be trying to date while also trying to build a career. Plus, those who married or cohabited young often get a leg up on finances. My DH and I shared a 1 br. apartment, all utilities, etc. I worked while he went to grad school FT, thereby taking way fewer loans. By 33 we owned two houses (starter home became a rental.) We would have been much worse off financially going it alone.