Husband has wanted kids for 12 years, puts in no effort to have kids

[Anonymous]

OP I'm really curious as to what your feelings about kids are. How badly do you want them?

[Anonymous]

Both of you need your heads checked. You’re a moron for allowing yourself to be strung along for 14 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Together total of 14 years, married 10 years. Both of us are 38 years old

For as long as I can remember my husband has always wanted kids. He's commented to family about it for years, friends you name it.
We've known each other since we were 22 years old, started dating when we were 24, got married at 28 years old. Said we'd have kids early/mid 30's.

He still talks about it, we both do, but he is making no effort to physically try to have kids. He says, it will happen when it happens. Well, we are 38 and it isn't going to happen when it happens if we don't try. He doesn't seem to get this. We've talked about it and he ALWAYS goes back to, "Yes I can't wait to be a dad, but I'm not forcing anything. It will happen when it happens." To avoid explicit, we do everything very often except finish the deed in the "right location".

I'm at a loss

Can you please ask him to explain how it can ever happen if he is not finishing in the 'right location'. Please ask him and let us know his response.

Good luck. Very frustrating for you.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why you've let him get away with talking crazy to you all of these years. Because for him to say what he says, while doing what he does, and for you to go along with it without truly calling him on the carpet and having a real conversation about this is madness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess he wanted it to happen nationally. I know several couples who don't have kids because it didn't happen and they felt that doing fertility treatments would be wrong (aka why go against nature) and they didn't want to adopt.

Did you read the OP? Her husband is not engaging in activities that will allow contraception to happen naturally.

For 20+ years?

For 10 years (seriously, it's all in the OP).

Not buying it

[Anonymous]

Perhaps he is shooting blanks??

[Anonymous]

Seriously, he never finishes in the right place? That's kind of the best place, you know.

[Anonymous]

Pose as an escort and wear a mask, then solicit your father-in-law.

Granted, this may not have worked since the time of Tamar and Judah, but desperate times, desperate measures ...

Going serious -- your DH has shown you what he wants (or doesn't want.) You'll have to decide whether you want life w/o him and the chance at kids, or life with him and a much lesser chance of kids (not w/o resorting to trickery -- which on the other hand is what he's doing.)

You are more or less running out of time to go it slow and "just see where things happen" or even "have a few years of life together", which sadly will scare off many guys in their late 30s/early 40s if you get too aggressive about wanting kids/getting married. Could you look into egg preservation?

[Anonymous]

Uhhh...what? He doesn't want kids. And I'm pretty sure you don't want them either.

If you really wanted kids, no WAY would you just have sat by for the past 8 years while your prime fertility (and alleged "plans", timeline-wise) completely passed you by, patiently hoping that someday he'd finish inside of you. That's not how it works and you know it.

If you guys don't want kids, that's okay. And I mean, by this point pretty likely that's how it's going to be. If you DO? Get to a fertility doctor YESTERDAY. This is your last chance to push the issue - if you continue to buy his idiotic statements then you're at fault as much as he is.

[Anonymous]

You sound really stupid OP.

[Anonymous]

If you want children, go freeze your eggs now. You entered into your marriage with the understanding there would be children. If he is unwilling, then decide if this is a deal breaker. Would he prefer to adopt? Some men also have a huge fear their wife will die in childbirth. Find out what the issue is. If he will not talk, at least get an honest answer of if there will be children or not.

[Anonymous]

A) He says he wants kids but he really doesn't.

or

B) He does want kids/family, just not with you.

Either way, if you want kids/family, it's time for you to end it and move on. Meanwhile, freeze your eggs.

[Anonymous]

I’m still a little confused. So you guys are having sex, but he pulls out every time?
Or he’s going inside you but nothings happened yet? This is weird.

[Anonymous]

OP, this was me several years back. I believed my then DH when he said he wanted kids, and it seemed unthinkable to disrupt a life and a home when he had been quite clear about wanting to have kids... except that there was always a reason for it not to be the right time.

In my case I finally moved on because no matter how much I wanted things to be different, it had become quite clear that it was what it was. Being a mom was more important to me than preserving that relationship, so I left.

I intended to use a donor and be a solo mom, but then met my now husband who was eager to start a family and we have been so happy as parents. I regret being an older parent, but am so grateful for the child and the life that we have together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This seems very sad to me.
Maybe try saying, "It might have happened when it happens if we had actually been having vaginal intercourse during my prime childbearing years. At this point, since I am nearing the end of those years and we are not even having any vaginal intercourse, I need for you to STOP SAYING THAT and start making plans with me for how it is actually going to happen. The years of seeing what would happen are behind us. If you will not participate with me in vaginal intercourse, then I would ask you to go to a fertility clinic and put it in a cup and they will put it into my vagina for you. And if you will not do that, then I will ask you to understand if I go to the fertility clinic on my own and get some donor sperm. Time is running out. Let's make babies, one way or another - take your pick, but let's do it!"

This is a good script, OP.

I would just add: "And if you maintain that you will only let what happens, happen -- then I have to question whether you really do want children. I do. It requires basics that we are not doing, and since I am now heading out of the prime childbearing years, I need to know now if you are willing to make an effort or not."

OP, he might be liking your married-without-kids life enough that he thinks on some level he wants kids but also feels they would disrupt the great couple-only life. Which they absolutely do.

If he hesitates about making a real effort, I'd get into some counseling immediately to determine if you and he are going to go forward as a couple without kids (a viable option that is just fine, if you both want it), or as a couple actively trying for and both wanting kids, or not as a couple at all.