Husband has wanted kids for 12 years, puts in no effort to have kids

[Anonymous]

Together total of 14 years, married 10 years. Both of us are 38 years old

For as long as I can remember my husband has always wanted kids. He's commented to family about it for years, friends you name it.
We've known each other since we were 22 years old, started dating when we were 24, got married at 28 years old. Said we'd have kids early/mid 30's.

He still talks about it, we both do, but he is making no effort to physically try to have kids. He says, it will happen when it happens. Well, we are 38 and it isn't going to happen when it happens if we don't try. He doesn't seem to get this. We've talked about it and he ALWAYS goes back to, "Yes I can't wait to be a dad, but I'm not forcing anything. It will happen when it happens." To avoid explicit, we do everything very often except finish the deed in the "right location".

I'm at a loss

[Anonymous]

That is crazy OP. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Have you asked him outright WTF is going on?

[Anonymous]

Have you tried a serious real come to jesus about it? Like sit down and explain the process and have a real, 'we try this or we do not' talk.

How important is having children to YOU? Are you on BC?

If this is really important to you I would say like, we try or I will resent you forever. If its just him then maybe he doesn't really care and you can let him let time decide?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you asked him outright WTF is going on?

Yes and I got a stock answer, "it will happen when it happens" I've said, No, it won't! He will say, I'm not forcing something and becoming one of those couples that makes it a job to have a kid

[Anonymous]

Go do IUI or go to a fertility clinic. IUI will make him go in a cup. I'm serious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you asked him outright WTF is going on?

Yes and I got a stock answer, "it will happen when it happens" I've said, No, it won't! He will say, I'm not forcing something and becoming one of those couples that makes it a job to have a kid

Interesting. So a) it sounds like he REALLY doesn't want kids and just doesn't want to tell you outright, and b) he views kids as a money and time suck - which they are.

Kids are not in your future with this man. Accept it and move on or accept it and stay.

[Anonymous]

There was a very long thread here a couple years ago with a similar theme. It was surprisingly common issue (to the shock of many). In that case, the man couldn't finish inside and she was encouraged to have him use a cup and she would then have something she could work with (using her diaphragm as a delivery device). The end result is that she did get pregnant. Because of your age, it may take longer and more tries to get pregnant so you should see if you can come up with some method to get the swimmers where they need to be.

[Anonymous]

Hmmmm... OP do you really want kids too? Because I’m thinking that if you do you both need to figure out a very specific plan such as IUI cycles... at this point that seems like the best way to get his sperm where it needs to be.

[Anonymous]

This seems very sad to me.
Maybe try saying, "It might have happened when it happens if we had actually been having vaginal intercourse during my prime childbearing years. At this point, since I am nearing the end of those years and we are not even having any vaginal intercourse, I need for you to STOP SAYING THAT and start making plans with me for how it is actually going to happen. The years of seeing what would happen are behind us. If you will not participate with me in vaginal intercourse, then I would ask you to go to a fertility clinic and put it in a cup and they will put it into my vagina for you. And if you will not do that, then I will ask you to understand if I go to the fertility clinic on my own and get some donor sperm. Time is running out. Let's make babies, one way or another - take your pick, but let's do it!"

[Anonymous]

What do YOU want? Make that happen, OP, without regard to your spouse. I say this because I sadly know a lot about these gaslighters. My husband is one, although he didn't act like for kids, but for other stuff.

[Anonymous]

Does this sound like a person you really want to have kids with?

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure how this has gone on for YEARS. Did he fail biology? Does he think any of your orifices will do? There's no way he WANTS to have kids but isn't doing ANYTHING to make that happen. Also weird is that you haven't said to him, hey, I'm years past my prime at this point (which is a conversation you should have had YEARS ago), so YOU NEED TO MAKE THIS WORK. Seriously, I'd suggest you find a therapist and read your post to them. There may be something huge going on with your husband, but there is definitely also something going on with you...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you asked him outright WTF is going on?

seriously, wtf is going on? He clearly DOES NOT want kids. Does he lie to you about other aspects of life as well?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This seems very sad to me.
Maybe try saying, "It might have happened when it happens if we had actually been having vaginal intercourse during my prime childbearing years. At this point, since I am nearing the end of those years and we are not even having any vaginal intercourse, I need for you to STOP SAYING THAT and start making plans with me for how it is actually going to happen. The years of seeing what would happen are behind us. If you will not participate with me in vaginal intercourse, then I would ask you to go to a fertility clinic and put it in a cup and they will put it into my vagina for you. And if you will not do that, then I will ask you to understand if I go to the fertility clinic on my own and get some donor sperm. Time is running out. Let's make babies, one way or another - take your pick, but let's do it!"

You can't actually do that while you're married unless your husband consents. Believe me, I checked. Use of any donor material by the married couple will require consent from both.