Losing the war with my 13 yo DD

[Anonymous]

I agree with the "catch her being good" poster. It helps to break the cycle of negative interactions, and it lets her know that you DO notice when she's helpful, kind, pleasant, etc., not just when she's not. Just like finding activities that you can do together that are fun--baking cookies, watching a movie, etc.

Things my mother did that helped her survive my tweens--she was respectful to us, but she did not take crap. She always made sure that I had what I needed, and she did not withhold affection, but was clear that she wasn't going to go out of her way to do nice things for people who were rude and unkind to her. It wasn't a battle, she didn't make a big deal every time I was a little snot, she just demonstrated that she was not a doormat. I think that not rising to the bait every time helps, too. Sometimes the most effective response is to shrug, say "I'm sorry you feel that way," or "I can see you're upset, but it's not okay to talk to me like that. Let me know when you've calmed down and we'll talk," or even just, "Uh-huh," and walk away.

[Anonymous]

Get the book Untangled by Lisa Damour - PRONTO! Wish I had it 2 years ago but it explains everything and makes it so much easier to bear!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I used to be wretched to my mother. Slamming doors, screaming I hated her, storming around the house and running from the dinner table crying.

She used to sort of cock her head and say "oh sweetie, it's your hormones" and I'd scream "IT'S NOT MY HORMONES YOU ALL SUCK!" and run away crying.

I mean, now it's pretty comical because hello, I was insane because of hormones. Like I was INSANE. In the head.

She would let me rage and then come up and ignore whatever atrocious thing I'd said to the entire family, she'd let me be mad, rub my back, tell me she loved me and was SO CALM about it all. I would still growl at her a little, but she'd let it lie and then leave me alone.

We are incredibly close now as adults. I am so terrified for when my spirited preschooler is 13. I am screwed.

PP, my teen girl is not like this. When she goes a little crazy, she responds well and dials it back when I reprimand her if she is disrespectful. She comments on other kid's behavior and says, you wouldn't let me act like that so I don't. My mom tells me that I too didn't go through what you are describing So would it have worked if your mom had been stricter, told you that you were not allowed to talk like that to her and that you should leave the room until you were ready to talk calmly? I have other kids, and I'm trying to understand what I should do if faced with craziness like you are describing.

[Anonymous]

I have an extremely headstrong 15 year old DD. We have had periods of exactly the behavior you describe-- last "period" lasted almost 4 months. It's tough!!!

I agree with the "catch them being good." My kids secretly and sometimes not so secretly love when I "brag" about them. Like while I am on the phone with a relative saying, "and Sweetie has a new after school job! It's going to be great!" Or post a good photo on FB.

I would also shake things up to try to break ruts we found ourselves in. For example, when DD complained about what was being served for dinner, I helped her come up with a couple of menu items, plan the shopping list and make the meal she chose. Sometimes it can be something as simple as going out for ice cream when it is supposed to be "clean up the room" time. When I had to pull out the big guns..... I one time told her I was picking her up early for a dentist appt. and took her to her favorite restaurant and got our nails done.

Good luck! The 4 month period of non-stop bad behavior had me looking at military schools!

[Anonymous]

Time to change your tactics.

I am sure she is as prickly as you describe, having had a similar child of my own.

What helped me was some serious reflection about my parenting goals, and then reflecting on the steps I needed to take to achieve exactly those things.

Then I pulled out of those awful interactions, and saved my tougher tone for what mattered.

I also realized that my first goal was that he grew up to be a good man. My second goal was that he would grow up to be a good man who liked his mom. So I accepted the loneliness and rancor more easily.

Still sucked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to be wretched to my mother. Slamming doors, screaming I hated her, storming around the house and running from the dinner table crying.

She used to sort of cock her head and say "oh sweetie, it's your hormones" and I'd scream "IT'S NOT MY HORMONES YOU ALL SUCK!" and run away crying.

I mean, now it's pretty comical because hello, I was insane because of hormones. Like I was INSANE. In the head.

She would let me rage and then come up and ignore whatever atrocious thing I'd said to the entire family, she'd let me be mad, rub my back, tell me she loved me and was SO CALM about it all. I would still growl at her a little, but she'd let it lie and then leave me alone.

We are incredibly close now as adults. I am so terrified for when my spirited preschooler is 13. I am screwed.

PP, my teen girl is not like this. When she goes a little crazy, she responds well and dials it back when I reprimand her if she is disrespectful. She comments on other kid's behavior and says, you wouldn't let me act like that so I don't. My mom tells me that I too didn't go through what you are describing So would it have worked if your mom had been stricter, told you that you were not allowed to talk like that to her and that you should leave the room until you were ready to talk calmly? I have other kids, and I'm trying to understand what I should do if faced with craziness like you are describing.

Wow. Do you give parent coaching lessons?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
No advice, just support. My 13 year old son is affectionate and calm, and my 8 year old daughter will very likely end up like yours - she can be quite nasty already!

Yes! My middle schooler 12yr old boy is an absolute joy to be around. He's sweet, never flies off the handle and is very respectful. However my 10yr old daughter has had a huge attitude since around age 8. I try my hardest to not compare the two, but my God they are dead opposite.

Who in the world ever said girls are easier than boys??? Not in my world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to be wretched to my mother. Slamming doors, screaming I hated her, storming around the house and running from the dinner table crying.

She used to sort of cock her head and say "oh sweetie, it's your hormones" and I'd scream "IT'S NOT MY HORMONES YOU ALL SUCK!" and run away crying.

I mean, now it's pretty comical because hello, I was insane because of hormones. Like I was INSANE. In the head.

She would let me rage and then come up and ignore whatever atrocious thing I'd said to the entire family, she'd let me be mad, rub my back, tell me she loved me and was SO CALM about it all. I would still growl at her a little, but she'd let it lie and then leave me alone.

We are incredibly close now as adults. I am so terrified for when my spirited preschooler is 13. I am screwed.

PP, my teen girl is not like this. When she goes a little crazy, she responds well and dials it back when I reprimand her if she is disrespectful. She comments on other kid's behavior and says, you wouldn't let me act like that so I don't. My mom tells me that I too didn't go through what you are describing So would it have worked if your mom had been stricter, told you that you were not allowed to talk like that to her and that you should leave the room until you were ready to talk calmly? I have other kids, and I'm trying to understand what I should do if faced with craziness like you are describing.

Wow. Do you give parent coaching lessons?

Honestly, I do think I use effective parenting techniques, but I also think that I could be doing all this same stuff and nonetheless have a child who didn't respond and have to adapt or just put up with more -- you can't be angry with or punish your kid all the time. You parent the kid you have -- in this respect I have easy ones. Maybe I can take credit for not ruining them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Drop her privileged ass off at a homeless shelter for a day of volunteering her time to help others.
She will soon realize she doesn't have it so bad after all.

13 year olds are not allowed to volunteer at homeless shelters. This is a ridiculous suggestion.

They are at some. St. Lukes in Silver Spring for one.