Losing the war with my 13 yo DD
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
DD did not start phase until 15 and absolutely still knee deep and almost 17. |
Anonymous
Because that always works to change teenage hormones. |
Anonymous
NP. Stop excusing poor behavior on hormones. She can have hormones and still be respectful. Parents like you ruin children. |
Anonymous
| PLEASE- I have a student in an extremely competitive program. She's a doll according to the teacher's at staff. She can be a monster at home at times. It's normal OP. |
Anonymous
Oh? Inability to control emotional state + still respectful? So what would that look like, to your mind? |
Anonymous
Thank you for this thread. I could have written exactly the same, at almost the exact time OP posted - right after dinner Sunday evening. 13yo DD has two siblings -- 11yo sister and 10yo brother -- and she and the brother are constantly at it with one another. At dinnertime, which we can only do with all five of us 3-4 times a week due to parent work or activities, I really try for us to keep civil. On weekdays DH and I want to hear about their day, and they ask about ours and we talk about the work we do, and on weekends we often turn to some of the current events going on around us, or pets, or extended family, or whatever. But I also use this time to reinforce and practice table manners (how to hold knife and fork to cut meat), sit up straight, elbows off the table, take turns talking. Their grammar has already improved from dinners over the years 
But WOW most evenings 13yo DD is hard to take. I do realize I need to get dinner on the table much earlier as she starts feeling tired even by 7PM these days (even on weekends when she really sleeps in). |
Anonymous
| My daughter was much like yours starting around 12. It gets better! Around 14, we noticed a gradual improvement. 15 was actually fairly peaceful as long as I was willing to let a lot go. I don’t mean that I let her make the rules but I did give her lots of space, ignored negativity and didn’t force her to do things that weren’t important. At 16, she is someone I really like and respect. |
Anonymous
13 year olds are not allowed to volunteer at homeless shelters. This is a ridiculous suggestion. |
Anonymous
|
Patience, deep breaths, reminding myself that I have to be the grownup and not scream or lose it. I try to remain calm, even when she is all crazy. If she's snarky (seems like 99% of her time with me these days, unless she wants something), I remind her that she needs to be kind and respectful to other people, including me, and ask her to go to her room and to come back when she is ready to behave appropriately.
|
Anonymous
What study proves that hormones = "inability to control emotional state?" I mean, I didn't realize we're just going to make up crap. |
Anonymous
So that says your kid is capable of being respectful and well-liked, and merely choses to act like a fiend at home. What's to say she can't be respectful at home? |
Anonymous
From a parent of an older teen DD: These are good lines for your script, OP. Say them with calm and with all the love you can put into your voice. When DD realizes she's heard one of these lines before and she snarkily says, "You said that yesterday!" then agree with her: "Yes, I realize I said that yesterday. And whenever it's needed, I'll give you space/step out/let your reconsider how you said things." Also: This phrase gets overused but it's true: Catch her being good. Find things to praise. Small things are fine. Remember to thank her even for stuff that some adults take for granted as "well, we all have to do those things!" such as taking out the trash without fussing or putting her clothes in the hamper. I know some posters would say that's not anything that deserves special praise or you'll be spoiling her etc. but I found it does help to build, over time, a more respectful kid because she'll feel (without even realizing it) that the adults do notice her when she does things right and respectfully. "Thanks for taking out the trash." "The clothes being in the hamper was a big help. Thanks." Etc. Find some interactions each week that you can have with her that will be low-stress. Does she like certain movies or TV shows? Can you watch together and talk about them? Do you drive her to activities or school or school events? Can you ask her positive questions about them? (My DD loves to talk about one particular class at school so I often will direct things toward, "Hey, wasn't Fred's presentation this week? How was it?" because she will love to talk about how funny a student was, etc.) Out of the blue, offer something -- if she hasn't seen a particular friend in a while, tell her, "This weekend you don't have Activity A. If you'd like to invite Friend over for pizza and to watch a movie/play a game?" As for snacks: What is not in the house can't be eaten. I'd taper off buying any snacks if there are certain ones she eats to excess. Substitute something that will be less tempting, frankly. If you have other kids who snack on the same stuff, this is harder, but I've got only the one child and it's easy to control what is in the house that she can access. Don't make any big announcement about "I'm cutting back buying any snacks" etc., just do it. "Mom where are the X?!" "Oh, I'm not getting to the store again until Wednesday. There's fruit in the fruit bowl. Otherwise, dinner's in an hour." "They were out of X at the store, sorry." Unless there are weight issues I would focus first on cooling down the emotions and working on chill reactions to her, and finding positive interactions to have each week, before I would focus on snacks. Don't do it all at once. And do not listen to the "it's her hormones" stuff. Yes, that does indeed play a role but should not excuse rudeness or attitude. |
Anonymous
| I also have a 13yr DD and can relate. If I stay calm and let her be grumpy, it actually passes and does not escalate and she can turn pleasant. Easier said then done, but the dark mood can pass if you give it a little time. |
Anonymous
Not the PP you're responding to but: The saying "familiarity breeds contempt" does apply here. Look at threads about how young kids will be well-behaved at school and then have issues at home. A kid of 13 has some of the same issues: If they're switched on to being attentive, hard-working, polite, engaged and friendly all day at school -- they get home and are tired and need a place where they can switch off at least somewhat. So parents and siblings don't always get the "doll" but get the cranky teen. It is normal. That does not mean it's OK for a kid to be rude or mean and it's not an excuse. It is an explanation. |
Anonymous
|
I used to be wretched to my mother. Slamming doors, screaming I hated her, storming around the house and running from the dinner table crying.
She used to sort of cock her head and say "oh sweetie, it's your hormones" and I'd scream "IT'S NOT MY HORMONES YOU ALL SUCK!" and run away crying. I mean, now it's pretty comical because hello, I was insane because of hormones. Like I was INSANE. In the head. She would let me rage and then come up and ignore whatever atrocious thing I'd said to the entire family, she'd let me be mad, rub my back, tell me she loved me and was SO CALM about it all. I would still growl at her a little, but she'd let it lie and then leave me alone. We are incredibly close now as adults. I am so terrified for when my spirited preschooler is 13. I am screwed. |