Husband wants to find bio dad. Bio dad doesn’t know he has a son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous

Anonymous wrote:
It is his right to do this if he really wants. However, ask him what his goal is. Does he think he will learn something more about himself by doing this? He won't. Is he trying to make his mother angry?

Urge him to sit down, clear his head, and figure out what he hopes to gain from this. He says he doesn't care if he's rejected, but if it happens, he will care.
He says he really doesn’t know! I’ve tried everything to convince him he doesn’t need this complete stranger for validation. He’s not budging:

He just doesn’t see that you can’t just call a man out of the blue and drop this bomb and expect to gain anything.

Actually, yes he can. This is his bio dad, and he has a right to reach out to him. Remember, your husband didn't create the situation he finds himself in, his bio parents did.

I am the PP you were responding to--an adopted adult who has chosen not to look for my bio parents. I have enough information to know what I might find, and that's all I need to know. However, I respect others who choose to do this, and your husband has this right. Please respect that, even if you don't agree with it.

[Anonymous]

OP you're treating your H like a child. You can't plan or control everything in his life that might result in hurt feelings. Stop it.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he's going through a rough time with his mother and somehow thinks finding his dad would provide some sort of answer. As irrational as that idea is, it's still his right to find his bio father. You can try all the arguments you want, but ultimately you have no say in this matter. Butt out.

I just don’t want to see him unnecessarily hurt. And for what? He’s a wonderful man despite never knowing his father.

I KNOW it isn’t my choice, but I’m seeing more clearly, and I don’t want him hurt.

Give more credit to your husband.

You don’t know my husband.

We do know one thing about him. He has demonstrated poor judgement by marrying OP.

Why? Because I know he is easily hurt and then marinates in it for weeks and his mood affects our whole family, and I don’t want to see him hurt by this? I really don’t know what the best thing to do is, that’s why I’m here. I thought the best thing was to help him avoid unnecessary hurt, but now I see that’s not what’s right.

So you selfishly didn't want him to feel bad about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he's going through a rough time with his mother and somehow thinks finding his dad would provide some sort of answer. As irrational as that idea is, it's still his right to find his bio father. You can try all the arguments you want, but ultimately you have no say in this matter. Butt out.

I just don’t want to see him unnecessarily hurt. And for what? He’s a wonderful man despite never knowing his father.

I KNOW it isn’t my choice, but I’m seeing more clearly, and I don’t want him hurt.

Give more credit to your husband.

You don’t know my husband.

We do know one thing about him. He has demonstrated poor judgement by marrying OP.

Why? Because I know he is easily hurt and then marinates in it for weeks and his mood affects our whole family, and I don’t want to see him hurt by this? I really don’t know what the best thing to do is, that’s why I’m here. I thought the best thing was to help him avoid unnecessary hurt, but now I see that’s not what’s right.

What is the unnecessary hurt? Rejection? His bio father might simply not respond to his contact. I know that I would not if I got a message from my hypothetical son. Disappointment? Not liking the person who is his bio dad?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he's going through a rough time with his mother and somehow thinks finding his dad would provide some sort of answer. As irrational as that idea is, it's still his right to find his bio father. You can try all the arguments you want, but ultimately you have no say in this matter. Butt out.

I just don’t want to see him unnecessarily hurt. And for what? He’s a wonderful man despite never knowing his father.

I KNOW it isn’t my choice, but I’m seeing more clearly, and I don’t want him hurt.

Give more credit to your husband.

You don’t know my husband.

We do know one thing about him. He has demonstrated poor judgement by marrying OP.

Why? Because I know he is easily hurt and then marinates in it for weeks and his mood affects our whole family, and I don’t want to see him hurt by this? I really don’t know what the best thing to do is, that’s why I’m here. I thought the best thing was to help him avoid unnecessary hurt, but now I see that’s not what’s right.

What is the unnecessary hurt? Rejection? His bio father might simply not respond to his contact. I know that I would not if I got a message from my hypothetical son. Disappointment? Not liking the person who is his bio dad?

NP here and I too would probably not respond. That is probably the most likely outcome if for no other reason than the bio dad will probably think it's some kind of scam.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he's going through a rough time with his mother and somehow thinks finding his dad would provide some sort of answer. As irrational as that idea is, it's still his right to find his bio father. You can try all the arguments you want, but ultimately you have no say in this matter. Butt out.

I just don’t want to see him unnecessarily hurt. And for what? He’s a wonderful man despite never knowing his father.

I KNOW it isn’t my choice, but I’m seeing more clearly, and I don’t want him hurt.

Give more credit to your husband.

You don’t know my husband.

We do know one thing about him. He has demonstrated poor judgement by marrying OP.

Why? Because I know he is easily hurt and then marinates in it for weeks and his mood affects our whole family, and I don’t want to see him hurt by this? I really don’t know what the best thing to do is, that’s why I’m here. I thought the best thing was to help him avoid unnecessary hurt, but now I see that’s not what’s right.

What is the unnecessary hurt? Rejection? His bio father might simply not respond to his contact. I know that I would not if I got a message from my hypothetical son. Disappointment? Not liking the person who is his bio dad?

NP here and I too would probably not respond. That is probably the most likely outcome if for no other reason than the bio dad will probably think it's some kind of scam.

Really? If the contact included the name of the woman and the dates of the seminar -here would some one come up with that for a scam?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
What is the unnecessary hurt? Rejection? His bio father might simply not respond to his contact. I know that I would not if I got a message from my hypothetical son. Disappointment? Not liking the person who is his bio dad?

NP here and I too would probably not respond. That is probably the most likely outcome if for no other reason than the bio dad will probably think it's some kind of scam.

Really? If the contact included the name of the woman and the dates of the seminar -here would some one come up with that for a scam?

Why would you not and why wouldn't he respond? I'm not a guy, but I can't imagine not responding at all in that scenario.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he's going through a rough time with his mother and somehow thinks finding his dad would provide some sort of answer. As irrational as that idea is, it's still his right to find his bio father. You can try all the arguments you want, but ultimately you have no say in this matter. Butt out.

I just don’t want to see him unnecessarily hurt. And for what? He’s a wonderful man despite never knowing his father.

I KNOW it isn’t my choice, but I’m seeing more clearly, and I don’t want him hurt.

Give more credit to your husband.

You don’t know my husband.

We do know one thing about him. He has demonstrated poor judgement by marrying OP.

Why? Because I know he is easily hurt and then marinates in it for weeks and his mood affects our whole family, and I don’t want to see him hurt by this? I really don’t know what the best thing to do is, that’s why I’m here. I thought the best thing was to help him avoid unnecessary hurt, but now I see that’s not what’s right.

What is the unnecessary hurt? Rejection? His bio father might simply not respond to his contact. I know that I would not if I got a message from my hypothetical son. Disappointment? Not liking the person who is his bio dad?

NP here and I too would probably not respond. That is probably the most likely outcome if for no other reason than the bio dad will probably think it's some kind of scam.

Really? If the contact included the name of the woman and the dates of the seminar -here would some one come up with that for a scam?

OP's husband is 40 years old so the seminar took place 40 years ago. There is absolutely no way I would remember either the seminar or the one night stand woman and it's probably safe to say most other people wouldn't either.

[Anonymous]

Maybe start with 23andme. It would be handy to have for health reasons and may satisfy some of his curiosity. Then should he decide to contact his father he can give name of mother,other details he knows and inform DNA test has been done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP's husband is 40 years old so the seminar took place 40 years ago. There is absolutely no way I would remember either the seminar or the one night stand woman and it's probably safe to say most other people wouldn't either.

But you probably would not forget the fact that you had sex with at least one woman at a seminar. Either that was your habit or it was an unusual thing; either way you'd remember it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP's husband is 40 years old so the seminar took place 40 years ago. There is absolutely no way I would remember either the seminar or the one night stand woman and it's probably safe to say most other people wouldn't either.

But you probably would not forget the fact that you had sex with at least one woman at a seminar. Either that was your habit or it was an unusual thing; either way you'd remember it.

I can only speak from my experience but I don't remember women from 15 years ago and the various scenarios that I have had sex with them (ONS, even some women I dated for brief periods). So, if this type of situation happened to me and someone said "oh you met my mom at a bar" then yeah, I suppose that could be a valid possibility but it's a fairly generic thing. And I'm only talking 15 years, OP's situation is 40 years!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP's husband is 40 years old so the seminar took place 40 years ago. There is absolutely no way I would remember either the seminar or the one night stand woman and it's probably safe to say most other people wouldn't either.

But you probably would not forget the fact that you had sex with at least one woman at a seminar. Either that was your habit or it was an unusual thing; either way you'd remember it.

I can only speak from my experience but I don't remember women from 15 years ago and the various scenarios that I have had sex with them (ONS, even some women I dated for brief periods). So, if this type of situation happened to me and someone said "oh you met my mom at a bar" then yeah, I suppose that could be a valid possibility but it's a fairly generic thing. And I'm only talking 15 years, OP's situation is 40 years!

I see you point, though including specific details like that would make be at least investigate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP's husband is 40 years old so the seminar took place 40 years ago. There is absolutely no way I would remember either the seminar or the one night stand woman and it's probably safe to say most other people wouldn't either.

But you probably would not forget the fact that you had sex with at least one woman at a seminar. Either that was your habit or it was an unusual thing; either way you'd remember it.

I can only speak from my experience but I don't remember women from 15 years ago and the various scenarios that I have had sex with them (ONS, even some women I dated for brief periods). So, if this type of situation happened to me and someone said "oh you met my mom at a bar" then yeah, I suppose that could be a valid possibility but it's a fairly generic thing. And I'm only talking 15 years, OP's situation is 40 years!

I see you point, though including specific details like that would make be at least investigate.

Try again:
I see your point, though including specific details like that would make me likely to at least investigate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP's husband is 40 years old so the seminar took place 40 years ago. There is absolutely no way I would remember either the seminar or the one night stand woman and it's probably safe to say most other people wouldn't either.

But you probably would not forget the fact that you had sex with at least one woman at a seminar. Either that was your habit or it was an unusual thing; either way you'd remember it.

I can only speak from my experience but I don't remember women from 15 years ago and the various scenarios that I have had sex with them (ONS, even some women I dated for brief periods). So, if this type of situation happened to me and someone said "oh you met my mom at a bar" then yeah, I suppose that could be a valid possibility but it's a fairly generic thing. And I'm only talking 15 years, OP's situation is 40 years!

I see you point, though including specific details like that would make be at least investigate.

Try again:
I see your point, though including specific details like that would make me likely to at least investigate.

PP from above, who would not respond. I have zero interest in expanding my current family (very small) circle. I didn't respond to a cousin who found me. He tried direct and through people I knew. I simply don't want new family members.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe start with 23andme. It would be handy to have for health reasons and may satisfy some of his curiosity. Then should he decide to contact his father he can give name of mother,other details he knows and inform DNA test has been done.

On the off chance the father did it, it will give an opening. The main reason I would not do any the ancestry stuff is the possibility of a random contact. People who do it are, typically, open to a contact.